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Don’t spontaneously combust at the sight of a man’s ankle, wrist or silhouette like a man does when they see a woman? Don’t worry you are totally normal! The majority of women don’t experience spontaneous desire for sex like men do. For many women it actually takes a lot more time and effort for excitement, arousal or desire to unfold. If this is you, you experience responsive sexual desire. You need something to activate your sexual cravings.

Don’t understand what you need or how to communicate what you need?

Men can also experience responsive sexual desire but a higher number of men experience spontaneous arousal, which means they don’t actually understand what you NEED.

The interaction between your ‘turn ons’ (stimulants) and ‘turn offs’ (sedatives) is an increasingly constant struggle as daily lives become much busier and complicated each year. 2020 was especially difficult as we tackled more changes including; managing homeschooling, juggling working from home and daily chores, isolation, loss of self-care time, loss of connection with friends, family and potential partners (casual or otherwise).

As we look towards a new year, let’s take a fresh look at your sexual desire needs. Move into 2021 with a greater understanding of yourself and how to get what you want and need.

Need the circumstances to be just right to tempt yourself to have sex? Well, get your pen and paper (or electronic device) out and take a good look at what you actually respond to.

  1. Find your stimulants: when you have had or felt a great desire for sex, write down what was happening at that moment. Was it the setting, general feeling or your feelings/emotions, scenario, actions? What were you thinking about, something particular about you partner, or something particular about yourself?
  2. Find your sedatives: when you have been completely switched off sex, write down what was happening at that moment. Was it the setting, general feeling or your feelings/emotions, scenario, actions? What were you thinking about, something particular about you partner, or something particular about yourself?

Now, take a look at your two different scenarios and choose one thing from each that you can change today.

What is one thing you can do now to ignite one of your stimulants and help keep it alive? Or, tell your partner one thing they can do to boost your stimulant.

What is one thing you can do now to diminish the impact of one of your sedatives? Or, tell your partner one thing they can do to slash your sedative.

The more you reflect on your stimulants and sedatives, and the better you can communicate these to a partner, the more your sexual desire will alight as you are setting yourself up for success as opposed to battling against yourself.

If you take only one thing from this, let it be the understanding that you are normal and take that feeling and recognition into the New Year with you!

Author: Vanessa Tarfon