menopause Archives - Authentic Awareness

GSM and Sex During Menopause: Why Sex Becomes Painful and What Can Help

Vanessa Tarfon — Thu, 01 Oct 2026 00:17:07 +0000

GSM and Sex During Menopause: Why Sex Becomes Painful and What Can Help

Vanessa Tarfon

1 Oct 2026 – 4 min read

I talk a lot about the psychological side of sex because it’s so important. But what about when your body starts changing the rules without asking you first?

You haven’t suddenly stopped being attracted to your partner. You haven’t necessarily lost your libido. Your relationship might be perfectly fine.

But sex feels different. Maybe it’s drier, penetration feels uncomfortable, you need much more stimulation than you used to, you’re experiencing burning or irritation, or perhaps you’re finding yourself avoiding sex because, honestly, you just don’t want to deal with the discomfort.

Welcome to Genitourinary Syndrome of Menopause (GSM).

And if sex has started to feel different during perimenopause or menopause, you are not imagining it.

Hormonal changes can affect the vulva, vagina and urinary system, and those changes can have a very real impact on arousal, comfort, sensation, intimacy and desire.

GSM happens to every woman. But painful or uncomfortable sex is not something you simply accept because you’re getting older. And please don’t feel like you have to just grit your teeth and push through it. There are things you can do.

So, what is Genitourinary Syndrome of Menopause (GSM)?

Genitourinary Syndrome of Menopause sounds like an impressive medical term for something that can be surprisingly simple to explain.

Basically, when oestrogen levels change and decline during perimenopause, menopause and beyond, the tissues around your vulva, vagina, bladder and urethra can change too.

The vaginal and vulval tissues may become thinner, smoother, less elastic and less naturally lubricated. Blood flow can change, and the vaginal environment (pH levels) can change too.

And this matters because these tissues are involved in sexual arousal, sensation, comfort and pleasure.

So something that used to feel completely normal, like penetration, can suddenly feel dry, tight, scratchy, irritated or painful.

And that’s when sex can start to become a whole lot more complicated.

“But I don't actually have vaginal dryness…”

This is an important one. GSM doesn’t always show up as obvious dryness.

You might notice:

Sex feels uncomfortable or painful.
Penetration feels tighter than it used to.
You need much more time to become aroused.
You don’t seem to lubricate the way you used to.
Your vulva feels more sensitive, irritated or uncomfortable.
You experience burning or itching.
You notice a small amount of bleeding after sex.
Sex doesn’t feel as pleasurable or sensations feel different.
You experience urinary urgency or more frequent urinary tract infections.

You might have one of these symptoms or several. Or you might simply have that vague feeling of “something isn’t quite right down there anymore.”

And that’s worth paying attention to.

Because you don’t need to tick every GSM symptom box before you’re allowed to ask for help.

And then there’s what GSM can do to your sex life…

GSM isn’t just about what’s happening to your vaginal tissue. It can affect the entire sexual experience.

Imagine sex starts to hurt. You remember that.

So the next time you’re thinking about sex, a little part of your brain goes: “Hmm… last time that hurt.”

You start anticipating discomfort.

Your body can become more tense.

It becomes harder to relax and become aroused.

You may produce less natural lubrication.

There is more friction.

Sex becomes even more uncomfortable.

And suddenly you’re thinking: “I just don’t feel like having sex anymore.”

And your partner might be thinking: “Does she not want me anymore?”

And you might be thinking: “What’s wrong with me? Where did my libido go?”

And around and around it goes.

This is why I don’t want women to automatically assume that a change in desire means they’ve suddenly got “low libido”.

Sometimes what looks like a desire problem is actually a pain, arousal, hormonal or physical comfort problem. And that’s a very different thing.

It doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve lost your sexuality, or you’re no longer attracted to your partner. And it certainly doesn’t automatically mean something is wrong with your relationship.

Your body may simply be telling you:

“This doesn’t feel good anymore. We need to do something differently.”

What can you actually do to have sex with GSM?

First: stop pushing through pain. I know this sounds obvious, but so many women have been taught to tolerate discomfort when it comes to sex. If something hurts, you don’t get extra points for enduring it.

Instead, take the pressure off penetration for a while. This doesn’t mean giving it up, it means expand your definition of sex.

Kissing
Massage
Oral sex
Mutual stimulation / masturbation
Toys
Sensual touch and exploring each other’s full bodies to find those pleasure zones

There are plenty of ways to experience intimacy and pleasure that don’t involve penetration. Often taking penetration off the table can actually take away the pressure that has been getting in the way of arousal in the first place.

Then, when you do want to return to penetration, slow it down.

Give your body time to feel fully aroused
More stimulation
More communication
More lubricant

And much less expectation that sex needs to follow the same script it always has. Because your body might need something different now and that’s what we want otherwise sex becomes boring and mundane.

What about lubricant and vaginal moisturisers?

A good-quality lubricant can help reduce friction during sexual activity and make things more comfortable.

A vaginal moisturiser is different. It can be used more regularly to help with ongoing dryness and discomfort during your daily activities.

But if you’re regularly experiencing pain, irritation, bleeding or significant changes in comfort, don’t just keep buying different lubricants and hoping for the best.

Talk to your GP or another menopause-informed health professional.

What about vaginal oestrogen?

This is another option worth knowing about. For some women experiencing GSM symptoms, local vaginal oestrogen may be an appropriate treatment.

One example is Ovestin (estriol), which is applied vaginally and can help address symptoms associated with low oestrogen in the vulvovaginal tissues, including dryness and discomfort.

This is different from systemic menopausal hormone therapy (MHT), which circulates throughout the body and may be prescribed for a broader range of menopausal symptoms. Whether vaginal oestrogen, systemic MHT, both, or another treatment is appropriate depends on your individual circumstances, symptoms and medical history.

So this is one to discuss with your GP or menopause-informed health professional.

And if you’ve been quietly suffering because you assumed vaginal oestrogen “isn’t for someone like you”, please have the conversation before ruling it out.

And what about your pelvic floor?

When sex has been painful for a while, your pelvic floor muscles can start to respond protectively. You may find yourself tightening or bracing without even realising it, adding another layer to the discomfort.

This can be particularly relevant when penetration has become difficult or painful, including vaginismus, where the pelvic floor muscles involuntarily tighten around attempted penetration.

A pelvic health physiotherapist can be fantastic for helping you understand and work with the physical side of this. But you don’t necessarily need to stop there.

As a Sex Therapist, I can also help you work through the fear, anticipation, anxiety and avoidance around penetration, and gradually rebuild confidence and pleasurable sexual experiences.

Sometimes the goal isn’t to strengthen your pelvic floor, it’s to help your body feel safe enough to relax.

And for some women, a combination of pelvic health physiotherapy and sex therapy can be incredibly helpful.

Your sex life isn't over. It might just need an update.

Perhaps the biggest mindset shift is this:

You don’t have to get your “old” sex life back. Create a sex life that works for the woman you are now.

Maybe you need more time to become aroused, more stimulation, more lubricant or a different kind of touch. Maybe penetration isn’t the most pleasurable part of sex anymore. Maybe you need to communicate with your partner in ways you didn’t have to before.

None of this means your sexuality is disappearing.

In fact, midlife can be an opportunity to become more connected to your body, your pleasure and your desires. Yes, sex can actually become BETTER!

So if sex has become uncomfortable during perimenopause or menopause, don’t simply write it off as “getting older.”

GSM is common. It is treatable. And there is no expiry date on pleasure.

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Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

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The post GSM and Sex During Menopause: Why Sex Becomes Painful and What Can Help appeared first on Authentic Awareness.

Why Orgasm Feels Different After 40 (And Whether It Comes Back)

Vanessa Tarfon — Sat, 01 Aug 2026 00:03:51 +0000

Why Orgasm Feels Different After 40 (And Whether It Comes Back)

Vanessa Tarfon

1 Aug 2026 – 4 min read

Somewhere between the hot flushes and the sheet-changing, a lot of women hit a quieter, lonelier moment: they have an orgasm, or try to, and think, “wait…that’s it?”

Not “I’m not in the mood” or “my partner needs a map.” The actual mechanics have changed. The build-up takes longer or stalls altogether. Or it arrives, technically, but it’s the difference between a firework and a sparkler. And the question that follows isn’t really about sex at all. It’s, “is this just how it is now?”

Quick note before we go further: if you’re not getting there at all, no matter what, that’s a different conversation with different causes, I’ve written about that here. This blog is for the more common experience: orgasm still happens, but it’s harder to access or a shadow of what it used to feel like.

I want to answer that properly, because the honest answer is no. But also, kind of, for a while.

What Actually Changes (Because "Menopause Ruins Your Sex Life" Is Not An Explanation)

Two things tend to show up in perimenopause specifically:

Orgasm gets harder to reach. The build-up might feel the same, or even more intense, but that final tip over the edge takes longer, needs more, or just doesn’t happen. The cliff is still there, it’s just further away.

Intensity drops. Orgasms can feel muted. Less full body, more “oh, okay, that happened.” This is the one women describe as most confusing especially when you have enjoyed everything and it’s the same as what you used to do.

Why It's Happening (The Boring But Important Bit)

Two things are going on simultaneously, and they compound each other.

Hormonally and physically: falling oestrogen thins vaginal tissue and reduces blood flow and lubrication, which makes arousal slower and sometimes uncomfortable. Declining testosterone (from your 20s) affects desire and the physical intensity of orgasm itself directly and indirectly.

Psychologically: body image, relationship dynamics, a partner who’s also navigating their own sexual changes, plus whatever mental load you’re personally carrying all of it feeds directly into arousal and responsiveness. Sexual desire doesn’t run on a separate circuit from the rest of your life. During this transition specifically, research has tracked something worth sitting with: as sexual responsiveness declines, so does how positively women feel toward their partner, often because partner performance issues are rising at the exact same time. Two people, both quietly panicking, neither saying anything.

Does It Come Back?

This is the part almost nobody tells you, so let’s fix that: yes, generally, it does. Post-menopause, once hormones have actually settled rather than swinging around unpredictably, many women report their orgasm returning, in both intensity and how easily they get there. The cliff becomes clearer again. It’s not a return to 25-year-old you, but it’s a return to feeling like you, which is the part that actually matters.

That said…it’s not purely a waiting game. A few things genuinely move the needle if you truly want success:

Local vaginal oestrogen

Improves blood flow and tissue thickness, which reduces pain and makes arousal and orgasm physically easier to access without needing to touch systemic hormones. It focuses more on resolving direct GSM symptoms.

Testosterone

Has been shown to support desire, arousal, blood flow, orgasm frequency, and overall satisfaction. Is this a direct or indirect response? Not conclusive…but if it helps you personally and doesn’t have side effects, does it matter?

Melatonin

Somewhat surprisingly, has shown benefits for sexual function post-menopause. Largely by improving sleep and mood, both of which are the basis to a functioning libido. Turns out being exhausted and anxious is not an aphrodisiac…

With a partner: Oral Sex

Don’t skip past this one. Research on older couples found a meaningful share were still having it regularly, and that receiving it was linked to higher rates of orgasm and greater relationship closeness. Couples with more relationship support and less strain gave it to each other more often, which tells you this isn’t just a technique fix, it’s a gauge for the relationship itself.

On your own: Self-pleasure

This is not a consolation prize while you wait for hormones to sort themselves out. It’s one of the most direct ways to actively rebuild orgasmic function. Regular solo play keeps you in tune with what’s changed in your own body, rebuilds the neural pathway between arousal and release, and takes the pressure off “performing” for someone else while you’re readjusting. If your body’s responses have shifted, you’re the only person who can re-map the best.

Novelty and adventure

Whether that’s solo or with a partner, actively prioritising sexual health rather than letting it go dormant is what moves the needle. New sensations, context, toys, and fantasies. Anything that breaks the autopilot pattern reintroduces the kind of arousal and anticipation that gets harder to generate on repetition alone. Predictability is efficient. It is not, unfortunately, orgasmic.

The Bit I Actually Want You To Take Away

If your orgasm has changed, you are not imagining it. This is a documented, physiological, temporary chapter not a life sentence. But don’t let “temporary” mean “passive.” Vaginal dryness gets treated. Sleep gets prioritised. Conversations with your partner get had, even the awkward ones about their performance anxiety showing up right when you needed support, not pressure.

So no, this isn’t just how it is now. It’s how it is right now, in this transition, for identifiable and often treatable reasons. And the common thread through everything that helps like oestrogen therapy, sleep, oral sex, solo play, novelty is the same: treating your sexual health as something worth actively investing in, not something you passively wait to come back on its own. What you do next actually shapes what “later” looks like.

For personalised support or discuss any of this information further contact me and let’s have a real conversation for real solutions.

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Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

Beginner’s Guide to Self-Pleasure for Women Over 35: It’s Not Too Late

A gentle, shame-free guide for women exploring their bodies and pleasure for the first time or in a long time, especially after 35.

Can’t Orgasm During Perimenopause or Menopause? Why and What Actually Helps

Struggling to reach orgasm during perimenopause or menopause? You’re not broken. Learn why pleasure can feel out of reach and how to reconnect with your sensuality step by step.

How to break out of a sexless relationship and revive intimacy

You’re in a sexless relationship and you don’t know how to get out of it? Find out here exactly how to get out of your sex slump!

Does orgasm change during menopause?

+ −

Yes. During perimenopause specifically, orgasm commonly becomes harder to reach and less intense. This is driven by declining oestrogen, alongside psychological and relationship factors.

Does orgasm intensity return after menopause?

+ −

Generally, yes. Once hormones stabilise in post-menopause, many women report both easier and more intense orgasms returning, alongside a positive mindset and continued sexual activity.

What helps orgasm difficulties during menopause?

+ −

Local vaginal oestrogen therapy, testosterone, melatonin (via improved sleep and mood), oral sex with a partner, regular self-pleasure, and introducing novelty into solo or partnered play have all been shown to support sexual function during this transition.

Is it normal to struggle to orgasm during perimenopause?

+ −

Yes, it's a common and well-documented experience during the menopause transition, not a sign that something is permanently wrong.

Does self-pleasure help with menopause-related orgasm changes?

+ −

Yes. Regular solo play helps you stay in sync with changes in your own arousal and response, and actively rebuilds the pathway to orgasm rather than passively waiting for hormones to settle.

The post Why Orgasm Feels Different After 40 (And Whether It Comes Back) appeared first on Authentic Awareness.

When You Want Sex But Don’t Feel Aroused After 40

Vanessa Tarfon — Fri, 01 May 2026 00:02:03 +0000

When You Want Sex But Don’t Feel Aroused After 40

Vanessa Tarfon

1 May 2026 – 3 min read

You love your partner, you miss intimacy, you even think “yes, I’d like to feel close tonight”, and then when things begin to heat up in the bedroom your body just doesn’t respond!

Sometimes it looks like no lubrication, no swelling or building heat or goosebumps. Other times, it feels like all these things are happening but then just plateau, and you can’t work out what happened. Why did your body stop its climb half-way up the orgasm mountain?

It can be deeply confusing because your mind is onboard, but your body isn’t.

Let’s talk about why this arousal disconnect happens in perimenopause and menopause, and what you can actually do about it.

Why You Can Want Sex But Not Feel Aroused After 40

After 40, your hormonal landscape changes.

Oestrogen begins to fluctuate and gradually decline during perimenopause and menopause. Testosterone shifts too, and yes women need testosterone for sexual desire and arousal. Vaginal tissue may become thinner and less elastic. Natural lubrication often takes longer.

Still have regular periods? Click here for find out how your cycle affects desire and arousal no matter your age.

In your 20s and early 30s, arousal may have felt spontaneous (and yes, I mean FELT spontaneous but doesn’t mean it WAS spontaneous). You could think about sex and your body would follow quickly.

In midlife, arousal often becomes slower and more conditional. This doesn’t mean you have low libido. It means your body requires more time, stimulation and safety.

Layer on the mental load most midlife women carry – careers, ageing parents, teenagers, relationship dynamics, sleep disruption, and stress – and your nervous system is rarely in a relaxed state. Arousal requires a parasympathetic (calm) nervous system. Stress shuts it down.

Notice how you have less patience generally after 40? Yep, that applies during sex and intimacy too! You want it to be worth it, otherwise…what’s the point?!

Sexual desire or libido is your brain saying “yes I want to act and have sex”, arousal is your body responding to this and making changes (most internal) to create a comfortable environment for pleasure and orgasm to occur

Menopause, Vaginal Dryness and Pain During Sex

If sex has become uncomfortable (even mildly) your body will remember.

Pain or discomfort during sex after 40 is extremely common due to declining oestrogen affecting vulval and vaginal tissue. Dryness, tearing, stinging, or deeper discomfort can lead to tension.

Even if your mind wants intimacy, your body may tense in anticipation. This tension reduces lubrication further and reinforces discomfort, which causes avoidance.

This cycle is incredibly common in menopause and sex conversations, but it is reversible with the right support.

Physically, using lubricant consistently (without shame), exploring vaginal moisturisers, discussing local oestrogen with a trusted GP can make a profound difference.

But equally important is building emotional safety.

The Emotional Impact of Low Libido and Arousal Changes: Shame and Self-Blame

What makes the arousal disconnect so painful is the meaning women attach to it.

“I should want this more.”
“I’m failing my partner.”
“Maybe I’m just not sexual anymore.”

Midlife women were rarely educated about perimenopause sexual changes. So when the body shifts, it feels like a personal flaw instead of a developmental stage.

Sexuality at 45 is not meant to look like sexuality at 28.

It can be deeper, slower, more intentional, less performative and honestly MORE FUN!

People over 40 are exploring intimacy and loving it.

How to Rebuild Arousal and Sexual Connection After 40

If you want sex but don’t feel aroused, the solution is slowing down.

Rebuilding begins outside intercourse. It might look like:

Longer, pressure-free touch – taking time to explore your own and/or your partner’s body to rediscover pleasure zones you never realised including having an orgasm with no touch at all

Taking penetration off the table temporarily – this is not the pinnacle sex act…I wonder what options you’ll discover when you take penile-vaginal intercourse away

Exploring different types of stimulation – textures, pressure, temperatures, and locations

Using lubricant early, not as an afterthought

Reconnecting with self-pleasure without performance pressure – rediscover what and how your body responds. Arousal pathways change, sensitivity shifts, rhythm and pressure preferences evolve. Embrace the feels further with a Love My Feels vibrator (use code: vanessa10 for 10% off)

Nearly half of midlife women report challenges with sexuality, yet most assume they’re alone in it. You’re not.

This stage of life can absolutely include satisfying, connected, pleasurable sex. But it often requires curiosity instead of criticism, education instead of endurance, and support instead of shame.

Contact me to discuss how personalised support can help you live your best life after 40!

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Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

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The post When You Want Sex But Don’t Feel Aroused After 40 appeared first on Authentic Awareness.

Why So Many Women Over 40 Pretend They’re ‘Fine’ With Less Sex

Vanessa Tarfon — Sun, 01 Mar 2026 00:02:41 +0000

Why So Many Women Over 40 Pretend They’re ‘Fine’ With Less Sex

Vanessa Tarfon

1 Feb 2026 – 4 min read

“I’m fine.”

It’s a sentence many women over 40 use when they’ve stopped asking for more. Not because their sexual desire has disappeared, but because they no longer believe it’s allowed.

In my work as a Sex Therapist, I hear this all the time. Women who still want sex, connection and pleasure. But after months or years of trying to talk, compromise, initiate, or explain, they eventually give up and tell themselves this is just how midlife intimacy looks.

This isn’t low libido. It’s unmet desire.

And it’s far more common than most people realise.

Women Over 40 Aren’t Losing Desire, They’re Losing Permission

We talk a lot about declining libido during perimenopause and menopause, and for some women, that’s absolutely real. But there’s another story that rarely gets airtime.

Many women over 40 experience:

The same level of sexual desire, or
An increase in desire, or
A deeper craving for intimacy, pleasure, and embodiment

At the same time, their male partner’s desire often drops.

This creates a desire discrepancy in relationships, which can feel confusing and destabilising, especially when it’s the opposite of what the couple has known for decades!

Many women quietly search:

“Why doesn’t my partner want sex anymore?”
“Is he not attracted to me?”

And too often, they internalise the answer.

Why Midlife Is Actually a Time of Sexual Liberation for Women

I’ll keep saying this until all women believe it: your 40s and beyond can be your most sexually liberated years.

Here’s why.

1. Confidence and self-acceptance grow

Many women feel more grounded in who they are, more comfortable in their bodies, and clearer about what feels good. They’re less interested in performing and more interested in authenticity.

2. Prioritisation shifts

After decades of caring for others, many women reach a point where pleasure is no longer optional. Time is precious and anything that isn’t nourishing starts to feel negotiable.

3. Pregnancy fear disappears

When the menstrual cycle ceases, many women feel safer letting go during sex. There’s no fear of unintended pregnancy, which can dramatically increase arousal and relaxation.

Yet just as women step into this phase, many men encounter sexual changes they were never prepared for.

What Men Are Often Struggling With (In Silence)

Midlife brings real changes for men, including:

Increased erectile difficulties
Testosterone levels that may now be clinically low
Changes in body composition and genital appearance
Performance anxiety and fear of “it not working”

The difference? Women are far more likely to seek medical or therapeutic support. Men often aren’t.

Many men feel ashamed, inadequate, or embarrassed and instead of talking about it, they withdraw. This can leave both partners feeling lonely, rejected, and unsure how to move forward.

The Hidden Cost of Pretending You’re ‘Fine’

Because penetrative intercourse is still socially positioned as the “main event” of sex, many couples unconsciously prioritise finishing over pleasure.

When erections are unreliable or anxiety is high, sex may end quickly. Many women respond by making themselves smaller.

They stop asking for oral sex, guiding hands, and advocating for their orgasm.

Research and clinical experience consistently show that women are far less likely to orgasm from penetrative sex alone, yet many stop asking for additional stimulation to protect their partner’s confidence.

They say, “It’s okay, I’m fine.”

But emotionally, the cost is high:

Resentment builds
Desire shuts down
Erotic identity fades
Emotional distance grows

This is how women end up sexually lonely inside otherwise loving relationships.

Shame, Judgment, and the Fear of Being “Too Much”

Another reason women hide their sexual desires is fear of judgment.

Words like “cougar”, slut-shaming, and the belief that women over 40 shouldn’t want sex still shape how women see themselves. Society tells women that curiosity, toys, exploration, or erotic growth belong to the youth.

So many women think:

Why would I want more now?
What will people think?
Is something wrong with me?

There isn’t!

This Isn’t Low Libido - It’s Suppressed Desire

It’s important to name this clearly:

This is not a lack of desire. It’s desire without permission.

Desire without space.

Desire without language.

Desire without safety.

Reclaiming pleasure doesn’t mean blaming your partner or demanding perfection. It starts with honesty (with yourself first).

What do you want?
What have you stopped asking for?
What would pleasure look like if you didn’t minimise it?

From there, real communication and shared responsibility can begin.

Common Questions About Sex After 40

Is it normal to want more sex after 40?

Yes. Many women experience increased desire due to confidence, body awareness, and reduced pregnancy anxiety.

Why do I feel guilty asking for more pleasure?

Because many women were socialised to prioritise harmony over honesty, especially in intimate relationships.

What if my partner feels threatened by my desire?

This is common and workable, but silence isn’t the solution. Education, communication, and shared care matter.

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Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

Embracing Sex After 50: Navigating Libido, Confidence, and Pleasure During Menopause

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How to break out of a sexless relationship and revive intimacy

You’re in a sexless relationship and you don’t know how to get out of it? Find out here exactly how to get out of your sex slump!

Beginner’s Guide to Self-Pleasure for Women Over 35: It’s Not Too Late

A gentle, shame-free guide for women exploring their bodies and pleasure for the first time or in a long time, especially after 35.

The post Why So Many Women Over 40 Pretend They’re ‘Fine’ With Less Sex appeared first on Authentic Awareness.

Desire Discrepancy in Midlife Relationships: What’s the Problem and What’s the Fix?

Vanessa Tarfon — Tue, 01 Jul 2025 00:04:15 +0000

Desire Discrepancy in Midlife Relationships: What’s the Problem and What’s the Fix?

Vanessa Tarfon

1 Jul 2025 – 4 min read

It starts with a subtle shift, a quiet withdrawal. One partner feels it more than the other. One wants more sex, the other wants less, or none at all. Eventually, it becomes hard to ignore: the desire discrepancy.

Desire mismatch in relationships is incredibly common, especially in long-term or midlife relationships. But when the gap gets too wide, it doesn’t just affect your sex life, it begins to erode emotional closeness, confidence, and even the foundation of your connection.

So what’s really going on when you and your partner want different things in bed? And more importantly, how do you fix it before resentment replaces romance?

Let’s break it down.

First, clear the desire confusion: this isn’t about blame

The blame game starts early because sexual activity and frequency in a relationship is often ruled by the lower-desire partner.

Desire differences aren’t a sign that someone is broken or selfish. They’re a signal. A message that there’s something under the surface that needs attention. It could be physical, emotional, relational, or even cultural.

Too often, we turn desire gaps into accusations that case harm:

“She never wants sex anymore.”
“He’s constantly pressuring me.”
“He doesn’t find me attractive anymore.”

But here’s the truth: the issue may not be about you at all. Your partner could be dealing with stress, grief, hormonal changes, medication side effects, trauma, fatigue, or even shame from past experiences. And unless we create space for open, honest communication, you will never understand what’s actually happening.

Start with a courageous conversation

Desire discrepancy rarely resolves itself in silence. You need to talk and listen.

That doesn’t mean grilling your partner or trying to “fix” them, because it also may be a “couple issue” not a “them issue”. It means showing up with curiosity and compassion. Try asking:

“How do you feel about our sex life right now?”
“Is there anything you need that you’re not getting?”
“What would help you feel more connected to me sexually or emotionally?”

And be willing to answer those same questions yourself. You might be surprised by what comes up when both partners feel safe to tell the truth.

This isn’t a one-time conversation. It’s an ongoing dialogue that yes may feel awkward at first. What matters is that you’re choosing to lean in, not away.

Expand your definition of intimacy

When people say they don’t desire sex, sometimes what they mean is:

“I don’t desire that kind of sex.”

Routine, rushed, performative sex, especially when it’s been the same for years, can lead to sexual boredom, a common issue in midlife. No wonder someone checks out – no one wants that!

Pressure to orgasm, scripts that haven’t changed in 20 years, or sex that’s all about giving instead of receiving? That’s not exciting, it’s exhausting.

So here’s the big question:

Are you having sex that’s genuinely fun, playful, interesting and satisfying?

If not, the fix might not be about having more sex, it’s having different sex.

Try redefining intimacy to include sensual touch, shared fantasies, mutual exploration, extended foreplay, massage, or even just cuddling with no agenda. Focus on connection, pleasure, and play, not performance or frequency.

Why Midlife Often Brings a Desire Discrepancy

Hormonal shifts can all impact libido. But that’s not the full story. In midlife, life gets full: career pressures, parenting teens or caring for ageing parents, chronic stress, and body image changes all come into play.

Desire doesn’t vanish overnight. It gets buried under the weight of “doing it all” and forgetting to tend to your own pleasure and connection.

Look beyond the bedroom

Sometimes, desire doesn’t fade because of what’s happening in bed, but because of what’s happening outside of it.

Are you showing affection during the day, not just at night?
Are you spending time together without screens, responsibilities, or distractions?
Are you treating each other with kindness and appreciation or do you only connect when you’re fighting or negotiating chores?

Emotional intimacy is the soil where sexual desire grows. Without it, even the hottest moves won’t land, especially for women. Rebuild connection in the everyday moments: talk about your dreams, laugh together, flirt, touch, send a cheeky text. It all counts.

A note for the lower-desire partner

If you’re the one with less desire right now, you might feel guilt, confusion, or even fear. You may worry your partner will leave, or that something is wrong with you.

Take a breath. You’re not broken.

Your body might be protecting you from stress, burnout, or unfulfilling intimacy. You might need new kinds of stimulation, or you might simply need rest.

Instead of forcing yourself to perform, try exploring your own pleasure solo or with your partner. Reconnect with your body in ways that feel nourishing. And if you’re unsure where to start, there are therapists and educators (like me!) who can help you find your way back without shame.

The fix is intimacy, not obligation

When the desire gap feels too wide, it can be tempting to give up or power through. But neither leads to long-term connection.

The real solution is slowing down, tuning in, and expanding your understanding of what sex and intimacy can look like. Get curious. Communicate honestly. Create new definitions of connection that work for both of you.

Your relationship and your sex life don’t need to look like anyone else’s. But you both deserve to feel wanted, understood, and excited again.

And that starts with one brave conversation.

Want support closing your desire gap?

Join Sensual Spark, my self-paced course for couples navigating desire mismatch, low libido, or sexual disconnection in midlife. Rediscover intimacy, communication, and pleasure that make you both feel alive without pressure or shame.

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Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

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Can’t Orgasm During Perimenopause or Menopause? Why and What Actually Helps

Vanessa Tarfon — Sun, 01 Jun 2025 00:02:43 +0000

Can’t Orgasm During Perimenopause or Menopause? Why and What Actually Helps

Vanessa Tarfon

1 Jun 2025 – 4 min read

That Frustration When You Just Can’t Get There…

Argh, that feeling when you’re climbing the orgasm mountain, doing “all the right things,” maybe even enjoying the moment…but the peak? Flatline. If you’ve ever felt like orgasm is something just out of reach, especially in perimenopause or menopause, you are so not alone. And more importantly, you’re not broken.

This isn’t just in your head. It’s a real and common experience with real solutions.

What Is Anorgasmia?

Anorgasmia is an umbrella term referring to persistent difficulty or inability to reach orgasm despite adequate stimulation and arousal. It can show up suddenly in midlife or be a lifelong experience. While many women are told “you just need to relax” or “you’ll grow out of it,” the truth is far more layered, especially during hormonal transitions like perimenopause and menopause.

Orgasm Is More Than a Button to Push

Let’s begin here: orgasm is not a performance goal or proof you’re “good at sex.” It’s a physiological, emotional, and psychological experience. Sometimes it’s all three, and sometimes it’s just one. When orgasm stops happening or has never happened, it’s not about “trying harder.” It’s a signal.

When the Body Sends the Signal

Your body may be speaking through:

Hormonal changes in perimenopause or menopause, impacting blood flow, nerve sensitivity, and lubrication.
Side effects from medications like antidepressants, which can blunt sexual sensation.
Health conditions such as diabetes, multiple sclerosis, or pelvic floor dysfunction, which can interfere with orgasmic response.

Many women report weaker orgasms after 40, a sudden drop in sensitivity, or the sense that orgasm just disappeared, and yet these physical changes are often ignored or dismissed.

When the Relationship Sends the Signal

If you feel emotionally disconnected from your partner, resentful, or unable to fully relax, your nervous system won’t feel safe enough to access deep pleasure. Your body is doing what it’s wired to do: protect you. Not surrender.

If you’re stuck in people-pleasing, performing, or “just getting it over with,” climax may stay out of reach, not because you’re broken, but because your body is prioritising safety over sensation.

When the Past Blocks the Present

Sexual shame, trauma, and early messages around sex (“Don’t do it or you’ll get pregnant!” or “Good girls don’t touch themselves”) leave deep imprints. Possibly affecting your nervous system and inability to accept pleasurable sensations at all.

If you weren’t taught that pleasure is for you, or never had space to explore what truly turns you on, it makes perfect sense that your body might still be holding back.

The Myth of the “Normal” Orgasm

There is no one way to orgasm, and no one “right” way it should feel. Some women climax through clitoral stimulation, others need internal touch, emotional safety, fantasy, movement or a mix of it all. Sometimes it’s a short, sharp release. Other times, it’s slow waves across the body.

Midlife orgasms often evolve. And that’s not a flaw, it’s an opportunity for reconnection.

Tools for Healing and Reclaiming Pleasure

If orgasm feels unreachable or different now that you’re in perimenopause or menopause, here’s where I often begin with the women I support:

1. Get Curious About Your Context

Instead of hyper-focusing on your technique, ask:

“What’s happening in my life, mind, and body when I’m trying to feel pleasure?”

Are you anxious? Exhausted? Disconnected from your partner or yourself? Your context matters more than your technique. Especially in midlife, when sex often becomes emotionally and hormonally complex.

2. Ditch the Goal

Instead of aiming for climax, let pleasure be your compass. What would a “3 out of 10” feel like on the orgasm scale? Gentle warmth? A slight flutter? Pleasure builds when there’s less pressure.

3. Reconnect with Solo Pleasure

Self-pleasure gives you space to explore without performance. Try:

External stimulation without a vibrator
Deep breathing and sensual touch
Simply placing your hand on your vulva and noticing sensation

It’s not about chasing orgasm. It’s about inviting sensation back on your own terms.

4. Seek Support

Working with a Sex Therapist can help you explore shame, build safety in your nervous system, and reconnect with your desires gently, and with compassion. You do not have to figure this out alone.

5. Talk to your Doctor (Bring Data!)

If you’re on medications, navigating menopause, or have chronic conditions, speak to a menopause-literate GP. Ask about:

Hormonal options (like vaginal oestrogen or testosterone)
Pelvic floor therapy
Sexual side effects from medications
Referrals to allied health professionals

When pleasure feels muted, it might be a signal your midlife body needs different support.

You Deserve More Than a “Functional” Sex Life

Orgasm isn’t the only measure of good sex, but pleasure is your birth right. Even if it’s been years. Even if you’ve never climaxed. Even if menopause changed everything.

You’re allowed to feel fully alive in your body and it’s never too late to begin again.

Orgasm and Menopause FAQ

Why can’t I orgasm during perimenopause?

Oestrogen and testosterone decline can reduce blood flow and nerve sensitivity, along with genitourinary changes, making orgasm more difficult. Stress, sleep changes, and emotional shifts also affect desire and arousal. It’s common but it is all treatable.

Is it normal to have weaker orgasms after 40 or after menopause?

Yes. Many women experience shorter, less intense orgasms or trouble climaxing at all. That doesn’t mean your pleasure is over, just that your body may need different kinds of touch, connection, or support. This is the time to take control of your sexual liberation!

Can hormone therapy help with orgasm problems?

In some cases, yes. Hormone therapies like vaginal oestrogen or testosterone (Androfeme) can improve arousal, lubrication, and sensitivity. Always speak to a healthcare provider who understands midlife sexual wellness.

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Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

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Boost Your Libido Without Guilt: Practical Tips for Women

Vanessa Tarfon — Wed, 01 Jan 2025 00:02:24 +0000

Boost Your Libido Without Guilt: Practice Tips for Women

Vanessa Tarfon

1 Jan 2025 – 4 min read

Life can feel like a never-ending to-do list: work deadlines, family obligations, social commitments, and oh, let’s not forget those ridiculous expectations we place on ourselves. Amid all the chaos, where does your libido fit in? Spoiler alert: probably somewhere between “take the bins out” and “schedule that dentist appointment.”

And when you do think about sex, does a little voice whisper, “Is it selfish to even want this when I’ve got so much else to do?”

Here’s the real deal: taking care of your sexual well-being isn’t selfish, it’s essential. Yet so many women I speak to are stuck on this. They tell me they want to feel sexy again, understand why their libido has taken a vacation, and reignite that inner spark. But here’s the kicker, they don’t act on it unless there’s a magical one-pill fix. Newsflash: no magic wand is coming.

If this resonates, you’re not alone. And guess what? I’ve already unravelled what causes low libido in this blog – the perfect place to start if you’re nodding along.

Why Women Don’t Prioritise Their Sexuality

We’re conditioned to be the “good partner”, the “selfless mum”, or the “unstoppable career woman”, and nowhere in these narratives is there room for you to…enjoy yourself. Add stress, hormones, or that sneaky little critic in your head, and it’s no surprise that many women feel disconnected from their sensual selves.

But here’s the truth: when you sideline your sexuality, you’re sidelining a core part of what makes you you.

Reclaiming your libido isn’t about selfish indulgence, because your libido is about MORE than sex. It’s about reconnecting with your vibrancy, joy, and connection to the world. Reclaiming it doesn’t just benefit you, it enriches every relationship and aspect of your life.

Why Libido Matters (Hint: It’s Not Just About Sex)

Your libido is about so much more than physical intimacy. It’s the spark that fuels the way you interact with life, yourself, and others. It’s the warmth behind a deep kiss, the comfort of holding hands, and that little flutter when you feel seen.

When your libido is on pause, it can feel like those connections start to fade. But the good news? With some attention and care, that spark can reignite.

Is It Selfish to Prioritise Your Sexual Health? Absolutely not.

Focusing on your sexual well-being is the opposite of selfish. Think of it like charging your phone, you can’t run at 5% forever. When you reconnect with your desires, you’re giving yourself (and everyone around you) the best version of you.

Oh, and bonus? That renewed sense of self-confidence? It spills over into everything: your career, your relationships, and your day-to-day energy.

Why Sex and Intimacy Are Important

Sexual intimacy isn’t just about physical pleasure, it’s about fuelling your emotional and physical well-being. Here’s how prioritising intimacy can transform your life:

Increase in Positive Hormones – During intimacy your body releases happy hormones like oxytocin and dopamine, which boost your mood, deepen connections, and help you feel more content.

Mental Clarity and Energy – Feeling frazzled? Intimacy is a natural stress reliever. Regular moments of connection can clear your mind, boost your focus, and give you the energy to tackle life’s demands.

Stronger Relationships – Physical closeness strengthens emotional bonds, creating a foundation of trust, support, and understanding with your partner.

Boost in Self-Confidence – Adopting your sexuality, enhances your self-image, helping you feel more empowered, sexy, and capable in every aspect of life.

How to Boost Your Libido (Without Adding to Your To-Do List)

Feeling stuck? Try these playful, practical tips to reignite your spark:

Name Your Rival

What’s holding you back? Stress? Body image? A partner who thinks “foreplay” means turning off the lights? Write down your barriers, and then brainstorm tiny steps to tackle them. A journal like Mojo Matters can help you track your wins (big and small).

Turn Up the Heat (Solo Edition)

Self-pleasure isn’t just fun, it’s empowering. No judgment, no pressure, just you exploring what feels good. It’s a beautiful reminder that your body is yours, and it deserves to be celebrated, and you’ll create space for your libido to resurface.

Bust a Move (Literally)

Cue your favourite playlist, slip into something you love, and watch yourself in the mirror dance it out. It’s not about perfect choreography, it’s about letting loose and celebrating your body. Plus, it’s a sneaky way to get your heart rate up while boosting confidence.

Join Radiant You: Sensual Reset Membership

Want the ultimate shortcut to feeling sexy, connected, and empowered? Say hello to Radiant You, a supportive membership for women ready to reignite their sensuality. With tools, resources, and a community that gets it, you’ll rediscover the vibrant, confident version of yourself that’s been there all along.

Why Wait? Your Pleasure Is a Priority

Life will always be busy. The demands won’t magically disappear. But here’s the thing: prioritising your sexual well-being is one of the most powerful ways to show up for yourself.

Whether it’s trying a new self-care habit, writing in your journal, or joining Radiant You, it’s time to give yourself permission to reclaim your joy, your vitality, and your sensuality.

Ready to take action? Start today. Learn more about Radiant You: Sensual Reset Membership here.

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Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

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Erectile Dysfunction Explained: Top Causes, Symptoms, and Relationship-Saving Tips

Vanessa Tarfon — Mon, 01 Jul 2024 00:57:17 +0000

Erectile Dysfunction Explained: Top Causes, Symptoms, and Relationship-Saving Tips

Vanessa Tarfon

1 Jul 2024 – 3 min read

Erectile dysfunction (ED) can feel like a shadow over your intimate moments, but it’s more common than you might think and doesn’t spell the end of your sex life. In fact, navigating ED can even bring you closer to your partner. Let’s dive into the details and discover how you can thrive through it.

The Numbers Behind ED

ED affects men worldwide, including right here in Australia. Here’s a quick look at how common it is by age:

Under 40: About 5-10% of men deal with ED. It’s less common, but definitely happens.

40-59: Around 20-30% of men in this age group experience ED.

60 and above: Up to 50-60% of men have ED, influenced by age, health and lifestyle factors.

Causes of ED

Understanding what causes ED can help you tackle it head-on. Here are some key factors:

Physical Causes: Heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, obesity, and hormonal imbalances. Lifestyle habits like smoking, drug use, excessive alcohol, and lack of exercise can also play a role.

Psychological Causes: Stress, anxiety, guilt, resentment, depression, life changes, and relationship issues can significantly impact your sexual health. Remember, your brain is your biggest sex organ!

Medications: Some medications for high blood pressure, depression, or other conditions can have side effects that affect erectile function.

Inadequate stimulation or sexual misinformation: Lack of correct sex education around the male sexual arousal process, performance anxiety and intrusive thoughts, and self-image issues can contribute to erectile problems.

ED symptoms

Erectile dysfunction (ED) is when it’s consistently tough to get or keep an erection firm enough for intercourse. Recognising the symptoms of ED can help Health Professionals or Therapists determine the right treatment plan for you.

Some key questions to consider:

Are you able to achieve an erection at all or only occasionally?
Do you wake in the morning with an erection?
Are you able to hold an erection during masturbation until orgasm?
Are you able to hold an erection during manual or oral sex until orgasm?
Have you always had issues or is this a new issue?
Do you consider your sexual desire to be low, normal or high?

Knowing the stats can help you realise you’re not alone. Unfortunately, less than 15% of men seek treatment or advice, often struggling for over a year in silence.

Erectile Dysfunction and Female Sexual Dysfunction: A Two-Way Street

Female sexual dysfunction (FSD) is also common, especially for women in midlife, menopause, or dealing with issues like prolapse or trauma. Just like ED, it affects women of all ages, and many don’t seek help for years.

For many couples, it’s a “chicken or the egg” scenario: Which comes first, ED or FSD?

The truth is, they often go hand-in-hand. Relationship dynamics play a big role, and if one partner has a sexual dysfunction, it can affect the other. The important thing is to address and manage both with care and understanding. Communication and mutual support are key.

Thriving Through ED: Practical Tips

Alright, gentlemen (and supportive partners), let’s get to the good stuff. Having ED doesn’t mean your sex life is over. Far from it! Here are some tips to help you thrive:

Talk About It:

Communication is crucial. Talk to your partner and a doctor. It might be awkward at first, but it’s the first step to finding a solution. Emphasise your desire to enjoy intimacy for years to come and keep a positive mindset.

Lifestyle Changes:

The little things make a big difference. Exercise regularly, eat a balanced diet, quit smoking, and reduce alcohol consumption. These changes can improve your overall health and your ED.

Medication:

There are effective medications available. Consult your doctor to find the best option for you. Also, check if any regular medications you take might affect your sexual function and ask about alternatives.

Sex Therapy:

ED can have psychological roots. Counselling or therapy can help address underlying issues like stress, anxiety, or depression. Remember the first rule of Fight Club…“Don’t talk about Fight Club”. The more you obsess over your performance, the harder it becomes to relax and enjoy sex.

Explore Alternatives:

Intimacy isn’t just about intercourse. Sex includes all sexual activities – manual, oral and penile acts. Explore other ways to connect with your partner. Go back to the basics and focus on kissing, hugging and touching. There’s a lot of fun to have when you stop making intercourse the end goal. Contact me today for more information on reviving intimacy and sexual acts that will work in your favour.

Knowledge is power. Understanding ED and FSD can help you navigate these issues with confidence. Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. Whether it’s a temporary hiccup or feeling like you’ve lost your manhood, there’s always a way forward. Embrace the opportunity to deepen your connection and intimacy with your partner.

Reach out today for more information on reviving intimacy and discovering sexual activities that work in your favour.

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Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

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Embracing Sex After 50: Navigating Libido, Confidence, and Pleasure During Menopause

Vanessa Tarfon — Sat, 01 Jun 2024 00:16:24 +0000

Embracing Sex After 50: Navigating Libido, Confidence, and Pleasure During Menopause

Vanessa Tarfon

1 Jun 2024 – 3 min read

Sexual intimacy, pleasure, and libido don’t take a backseat after 50 or during menopause. It’s a time of change, sure, but it’s also an opportunity for rediscovery and embracing your sexuality with confidence. Let’s dive into how you can navigate the ups and downs of libido, confidence, and pleasure during this stage of life.

Rediscovering Sexual Desire After 50

Finding your desire again after 50 or during menopause can feel like a daunting journey. Hormonal shifts and major life changes can throw things off balance, with 68% of Australian women experiencing low libido during menopause. 38% of menopausal women’s partners say their intimacy and relationship have been affected by the woman’s low libido.

But hey, it’s not all doom and gloom! With a bit of patience, a mindset shift, and some self-compassion, you can reignite that flame of desire.

So, where do we begin this journey of sexual rediscovery?

Positive Mindset Shift

Let’s reframe menopause as a time of sexual liberation! No more worrying about unwanted pregnancies or timing around your menstrual cycle. It’s your time to explore and show the world your authentic self, living life on your terms. And for partners out there, emotionally supporting your loved one through these changes will work wonders for your sexual relationship.

Cultivating Confidence

Confidence is key when it comes to embracing sex and intimacy after 50 or during menopause.

First, let’s engage in daily positive sexual self-talk. This involves promoting a mindset to embrace your sexuality as a natural and beautiful aspect of who you are, regardless of age or circumstance. Performed naked in front of the mirror, remind yourself daily of your inherent worthiness of pleasure and intimacy.

Next, write a sexual statement. A brief declaration of who you are as a sexual being, what you deserve, and what you’re willing to give and receive. Read it out loud to yourself at least three times a day. Trust me, it works wonders for reinforcing your confidence and self-worth.

Reconnecting Through Self-Pleasure

Self-pleasure is fundamental to rediscovering sex and intimacy after 50 or during menopause. Take time to reconnect with your body, exploring what feels good and how it responds to different sensations. This isn’t just about physical pleasure. It’s about reclaiming ownership of your body and desires and empowering you to communicate your needs and preferences with confidence to a partner.

Navigating Intimate Relationships

Dating and finding intimate partners after 50 or during menopause can be intimidating, but confidence and assertiveness are attractive qualities at any age. Most partners appreciate someone who can articulate their needs because they want to cherish you sexually. By speaking up about your desires and boundaries in the bedroom, you can foster open communication and prioritise your pleasure.

Embracing Sex Toys

Sex toys aren’t just for the younger crowd. They can be valuable tools for enhancing pleasure and intimacy after 50 or during menopause, especially if you’re navigating changes in libido or experiencing physical limitations. From vibrators to massage oils, there’s a wide range of options tailored to your needs and preferences. Don’t be afraid to explore and experiment until you find what works best for you.

Embracing intimacy after 50 or during menopause is a journey. One that requires patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to embrace change. By shifting your mindset, cultivating confidence and reconnecting with yourself you can reignite the flame of your sexuality and embrace a fulfilling and pleasurable life, regardless of age. So, remember, the best is yet to come. Embrace the journey!

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Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

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Menopause and Sex: Expectations and how to entice your intimacy back to life

Vanessa Tarfon — Mon, 01 Apr 2024 00:02:13 +0000

Menopause and Sex: Expectations and how to entice your intimacy back to life

Vanessa Tarfon

1 Apr 2024 – 4 min read

If you thought menopause was an old woman’s problem you’d never experience then think again. This denial and the secretive conversations about menopause have left everyone unprepared for midlife health. And I mean everyone, including women transitioning through menopause and their partners.

Even less is spoken about menopause and sexual health so it’s time to break the taboo.

When does menopause start?

Women can start the menopause transition at any age but it is most common to start in your mid-40s. The average age in industrialised countries is 47.5 years old and in Australia, the mean age for menopause is 51.3 years old.

The drop in oestradiol (oestrogen) is responsible for many of the symptoms below. Testosterone starts reducing from your mid-20s so it doesn’t cause a sudden decline in your sexual health.

Menopause symptoms that affect sexual health

Not all women experience the same symptoms or severity of symptoms which makes your transition and treatment individual. Given that sexuality is individual, your sexual health and functioning will be affected differently.

Psychological symptoms

Mood swings
Anger
Low libido/difficulty reaching orgasm
Identity crisis “feeling old”
Fogginess

These symptoms negatively impact overall confidence and self-image, sexual desire and relationship connection.

Physical/somatic symptoms

Pelvic floor weakness
Incontinence
Prolapse
Vaginal dryness
Vagina and vulva tissue thinning and loss of fatty tissue
Vaginal canal shortening

Hot flushes
Night sweats
Sleeping disorders
Muscle and joint pain
Sore breasts
Abdominal weight gain

These symptoms negatively impact body image, overall sense of wellbeing, and sexual functioning such as lubrication causing sexual pain and discomfort.

69% of menopausal women experience sexual problems around the world.

These symptoms can reduce sexual desire, increase arousal issues and difficulty to orgasm and cause painful sex.

Menopause symptoms are not the only reason for sexuality changes during this time. In this phase of life, women face life changes and psychosocial factors that negatively impact their sex lives.

Menopause impacts on relationships

Sexual activity decline – predominantly sexual activity frequency reduces. When it remains the same, often this is because the woman feels obliged to continue having sex but doesn’t desire sex. An ingrained sense of giving their partner what they “need” and prioritising male sexual pleasure.
Sexual satisfaction decreases – due to stress response activation and pain, sex becomes a chore that women bear through reducing their pleasure.
Communication issues – people lack the vocabulary to talk about sexual concerns with current or new partners. Sexual problems go in conjunction with communication decline. This is hard for single women who are experiencing menopause but want to shift a new relationship into a sexual relationship and face inadequacy fears like “Do I remember what to do?”
Relationship disconnection and commitment concerns – people drift apart navigating their hobbies, interests and needs alone. Resentment increases from anger and disappointment at their partner or current situation. If left unresolved it can lead to a decline in relationship commitment.

3 easy steps to navigate your sex life through menopause

Stay active

The International Menopause Society recommends 150 minutes of physical activity weekly through menopause. There are strong links between physical activity and reduced sexual problems. Staying active will support your mental, physical and sexual health through the release of endorphins. There is also a link between orgasm frequency and sexual activity frequency.

More physical activity = more sexual activity = increased pleasure.

Body image work

Positive self-messaging and sensual self-massages are important ways to accept your body and ensure your nerves continue to activate to pleasurable touch. If you don’t like yourself and want to touch yourself, it’s hard to be vulnerable in front of someone else. Contact me directly for more instructions.

Communication

If you’re in a relationship, don’t think you are the only one affected by age. Men also experience age-related sexual health changes. For example, increasing erectile dysfunction, reduction in morning erections and lower libido.

You and your partner must communicate about your sexual health because a decline in your sex life could likely be because you are BOTH experiencing changes and feeling embarrassed.

If you’re in a new relationship or dating, contact me today for the best way to access your inner sensual tiger and comfortably open up to new partners.

Menopause, sex and ageing education is limited, but this phase of life doesn’t need to be as daunting as it seems! It can be the best sexual time of your life! Contact me to receive more information on maintaining a healthy and exciting sex life now and into the future.

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Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

menopause Archives - Authentic Awareness

GSM and Sex During Menopause: Why Sex Becomes Painful and What Can Help

GSM and Sex During Menopause: Why Sex Becomes Painful and What Can Help

Vanessa Tarfon

So, what is Genitourinary Syndrome of Menopause (GSM)?

“But I don't actually have vaginal dryness…”

And then there’s what GSM can do to your sex life…

What can you actually do to have sex with GSM?

What about lubricant and vaginal moisturisers?

What about vaginal oestrogen?

And what about your pelvic floor?

Your sex life isn't over. It might just need an update.

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Vanessa Tarfon

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Why Orgasm Feels Different After 40 (And Whether It Comes Back)

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Want support closing your desire gap?

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