Self image Archives - Authentic Awareness

Why Orgasm Feels Different After 40 (And Whether It Comes Back)

Vanessa Tarfon — Sat, 01 Aug 2026 00:03:51 +0000

Why Orgasm Feels Different After 40 (And Whether It Comes Back)

Vanessa Tarfon

1 Aug 2026 – 4 min read

Somewhere between the hot flushes and the sheet-changing, a lot of women hit a quieter, lonelier moment: they have an orgasm, or try to, and think, “wait…that’s it?”

Not “I’m not in the mood” or “my partner needs a map.” The actual mechanics have changed. The build-up takes longer or stalls altogether. Or it arrives, technically, but it’s the difference between a firework and a sparkler. And the question that follows isn’t really about sex at all. It’s, “is this just how it is now?”

Quick note before we go further: if you’re not getting there at all, no matter what, that’s a different conversation with different causes, I’ve written about that here. This blog is for the more common experience: orgasm still happens, but it’s harder to access or a shadow of what it used to feel like.

I want to answer that properly, because the honest answer is no. But also, kind of, for a while.

What Actually Changes (Because "Menopause Ruins Your Sex Life" Is Not An Explanation)

Two things tend to show up in perimenopause specifically:

Orgasm gets harder to reach. The build-up might feel the same, or even more intense, but that final tip over the edge takes longer, needs more, or just doesn’t happen. The cliff is still there, it’s just further away.

Intensity drops. Orgasms can feel muted. Less full body, more “oh, okay, that happened.” This is the one women describe as most confusing especially when you have enjoyed everything and it’s the same as what you used to do.

Why It's Happening (The Boring But Important Bit)

Two things are going on simultaneously, and they compound each other.

Hormonally and physically: falling oestrogen thins vaginal tissue and reduces blood flow and lubrication, which makes arousal slower and sometimes uncomfortable. Declining testosterone (from your 20s) affects desire and the physical intensity of orgasm itself directly and indirectly.

Psychologically: body image, relationship dynamics, a partner who’s also navigating their own sexual changes, plus whatever mental load you’re personally carrying all of it feeds directly into arousal and responsiveness. Sexual desire doesn’t run on a separate circuit from the rest of your life. During this transition specifically, research has tracked something worth sitting with: as sexual responsiveness declines, so does how positively women feel toward their partner, often because partner performance issues are rising at the exact same time. Two people, both quietly panicking, neither saying anything.

Does It Come Back?

This is the part almost nobody tells you, so let’s fix that: yes, generally, it does. Post-menopause, once hormones have actually settled rather than swinging around unpredictably, many women report their orgasm returning, in both intensity and how easily they get there. The cliff becomes clearer again. It’s not a return to 25-year-old you, but it’s a return to feeling like you, which is the part that actually matters.

That said…it’s not purely a waiting game. A few things genuinely move the needle if you truly want success:

Local vaginal oestrogen

Improves blood flow and tissue thickness, which reduces pain and makes arousal and orgasm physically easier to access without needing to touch systemic hormones. It focuses more on resolving direct GSM symptoms.

Testosterone

Has been shown to support desire, arousal, blood flow, orgasm frequency, and overall satisfaction. Is this a direct or indirect response? Not conclusive…but if it helps you personally and doesn’t have side effects, does it matter?

Melatonin

Somewhat surprisingly, has shown benefits for sexual function post-menopause. Largely by improving sleep and mood, both of which are the basis to a functioning libido. Turns out being exhausted and anxious is not an aphrodisiac…

With a partner: Oral Sex

Don’t skip past this one. Research on older couples found a meaningful share were still having it regularly, and that receiving it was linked to higher rates of orgasm and greater relationship closeness. Couples with more relationship support and less strain gave it to each other more often, which tells you this isn’t just a technique fix, it’s a gauge for the relationship itself.

On your own: Self-pleasure

This is not a consolation prize while you wait for hormones to sort themselves out. It’s one of the most direct ways to actively rebuild orgasmic function. Regular solo play keeps you in tune with what’s changed in your own body, rebuilds the neural pathway between arousal and release, and takes the pressure off “performing” for someone else while you’re readjusting. If your body’s responses have shifted, you’re the only person who can re-map the best.

Novelty and adventure

Whether that’s solo or with a partner, actively prioritising sexual health rather than letting it go dormant is what moves the needle. New sensations, context, toys, and fantasies. Anything that breaks the autopilot pattern reintroduces the kind of arousal and anticipation that gets harder to generate on repetition alone. Predictability is efficient. It is not, unfortunately, orgasmic.

The Bit I Actually Want You To Take Away

If your orgasm has changed, you are not imagining it. This is a documented, physiological, temporary chapter not a life sentence. But don’t let “temporary” mean “passive.” Vaginal dryness gets treated. Sleep gets prioritised. Conversations with your partner get had, even the awkward ones about their performance anxiety showing up right when you needed support, not pressure.

So no, this isn’t just how it is now. It’s how it is right now, in this transition, for identifiable and often treatable reasons. And the common thread through everything that helps like oestrogen therapy, sleep, oral sex, solo play, novelty is the same: treating your sexual health as something worth actively investing in, not something you passively wait to come back on its own. What you do next actually shapes what “later” looks like.

For personalised support or discuss any of this information further contact me and let’s have a real conversation for real solutions.

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Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

Beginner’s Guide to Self-Pleasure for Women Over 35: It’s Not Too Late

A gentle, shame-free guide for women exploring their bodies and pleasure for the first time or in a long time, especially after 35.

Can’t Orgasm During Perimenopause or Menopause? Why and What Actually Helps

Struggling to reach orgasm during perimenopause or menopause? You’re not broken. Learn why pleasure can feel out of reach and how to reconnect with your sensuality step by step.

How to break out of a sexless relationship and revive intimacy

You’re in a sexless relationship and you don’t know how to get out of it? Find out here exactly how to get out of your sex slump!

Does orgasm change during menopause?

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Yes. During perimenopause specifically, orgasm commonly becomes harder to reach and less intense. This is driven by declining oestrogen, alongside psychological and relationship factors.

Does orgasm intensity return after menopause?

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Generally, yes. Once hormones stabilise in post-menopause, many women report both easier and more intense orgasms returning, alongside a positive mindset and continued sexual activity.

What helps orgasm difficulties during menopause?

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Local vaginal oestrogen therapy, testosterone, melatonin (via improved sleep and mood), oral sex with a partner, regular self-pleasure, and introducing novelty into solo or partnered play have all been shown to support sexual function during this transition.

Is it normal to struggle to orgasm during perimenopause?

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Yes, it's a common and well-documented experience during the menopause transition, not a sign that something is permanently wrong.

Does self-pleasure help with menopause-related orgasm changes?

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Yes. Regular solo play helps you stay in sync with changes in your own arousal and response, and actively rebuilds the pathway to orgasm rather than passively waiting for hormones to settle.

The post Why Orgasm Feels Different After 40 (And Whether It Comes Back) appeared first on Authentic Awareness.

Intimacy and Pleasure After FGM/C: What Your Body Can Do

Vanessa Tarfon — Wed, 01 Jul 2026 00:03:28 +0000

Intimacy and Pleasure After Female Genital Mutilation/Cutting: What Your Body Can Do

Vanessa Tarfon

1 Jul 2026 – 5 min read

Let me say that again because I want it to land. For my strong and brave women who have experienced Female Genital Mutilation or Cutting (FGM/C):

Your body has not been robbed of its capacity for pleasure.

Not a lesser version of pleasure. Not a consolation prize version. Real, full, alive pleasure.

I know that might feel impossible to believe right now. And I’m not going to gloss over the reality of what happened to you or what it might have cost you. But I am going to tell you the truth about your body, because you deserve that, and most people in your life have probably never given it to you.

As a qualified Sex Therapist based in Sydney, with a Masters in HIV, STIs and Sexual Health from the University of Sydney, I work with women across Australia navigating exactly this.

Are sexual feelings normal after FGM/C?

Yes. Absolutely yes.

Desire wasn’t cut away. It lives in your mind, heart, nervous system, hormones, and your history. It’s not kept in the part of your body that was altered. So, if you feel warmth, longing, curiosity, or a wish to feel good, that is normal. That belongs to you.

And if you don’t feel those things right now? That’s normal too. Your body may be protecting itself. That doesn’t mean desire is gone. It means it’s waiting for safety.

Your Clitoris Is Still There

This is the part that changes everything for women who have experienced FGM/C.

You have a clitoris, no matter what type of FGM/C you have experienced.

What most people picture as the clitoris is just the tip. A small external piece. But the clitoris is a much larger internal structure (shaped a little like a wishbone) with two inner legs and two pads of tissue that reach close to your vagina. Even if the visible outer part was cut, hidden or removed, the majority of your clitoris is still inside you, intact, full of nerve endings, doing exactly what it was designed to do.

And what is that? Bring you pleasure. Nothing else.

That means sensation, arousal, and orgasm are all possible. It might take more time, more patience, more exploration of what works for your body specifically. But the capacity is there.

Pleasure Lives Everywhere in Your Body

You don’t need a partner. You don’t need (or want) your genitals to be the starting point.

Your scalp, neck, inside of your arms, lower back, and behind your knees. These places are full with nerve endings that respond to touch, warmth and care, and for most women, beginning here is where everything starts to open up again.

Pleasure also lives in feeling safe, free from pressure or an agenda. That emotional safety isn’t a nice bonus, for many women who have experienced FGM/C, it is the whole foundation.

A satisfying intimate life after FGM/C isn’t about working around your body. It’s about coming home to it on your terms, at your pace.

Discover Pleasure After FGM/C: 3 Things You Can Start Doing Right Now

1. Get curious about your own body – all of it

In a private, comfortable space, get naked and spend time touching different parts of your body. Not just your genitals. Your arms, stomach, face, neck. Notice what feels neutral, what feels nice, what feels good. You can do this in front of a mirror or in the dark. There’s no goal, this is just you getting to know yourself. This is the first step in seeing yourself as a sexual person who deserves pleasure and enjoyment.

2. Let yourself feel what you feel without shame

When desire or arousal shows up, feeling warmth, a longing, a tingling, don’t push it away. Notice it. Say to yourself: “That’s desire, it’s normal, and it’s mine to feel.” Letting yourself acknowledge these feelings at all and without judgment is how you start building a healthier relationship with your own sexuality.

3. Redefine What Pleasure Means to You

Pleasure doesn’t have to mean penetration. It doesn’t have to mean a partner. It can be a slow self-massage, music that moves you, lying in bed breathing and tuning into your body and touch. Start with what feels safe and build from there. Your pleasure is yours to define, nobody else gets a say in that.

You Are Not Broken After FGM/C

FGM/C was done to you. It does not define what you can feel, what you can experience, or what you can enjoy.

Women who have experienced every type of FGM/C go on to have deeply satisfying, joyful, connected intimate lives alone and with partners.

If you want support, working with a Sex Therapist who understands FGM/C can make a significant difference. You don’t have to figure this out alone, and you don’t have to clench your way through it either.

My door is always open, no matter how big or small your question, reach out at hello@authenticawareness.com.au

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Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

Beginner’s Guide to Self-Pleasure for Women Over 35: It’s Not Too Late

A gentle, shame-free guide for women exploring their bodies and pleasure for the first time or in a long time, especially after 35.

Conquer body image fears to enjoy sex with your partner

Revealing how your body image impacts your sex life and strategies to change your sexual self-confidence to revive your sexuality.

How to break out of a sexless relationship and revive intimacy

You’re in a sexless relationship and you don’t know how to get out of it? Find out here exactly how to get out of your sex slump!

Do women who have experienced FGM/C still have a clitoris?

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Yes. Always. The clitoris is mostly an internal organ, think of it like a wishbone sitting inside your body. The small external tip that may have been removed is only a tiny part of the whole structure. The internal legs and tissue remain, full of nerve endings, and able to respond to sensation and arousal.

Can women who have experienced FGM/C have an orgasm?

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Many can, yes. Orgasm is possible for most women who have experienced FGM/C, including Type I, II and III. It may feel different, take longer, or require more exploration of what works for your specific body, but the internal clitoral structure is still there and still responsive. However, that’s not the only way to have an orgasm. The capacity for orgasm was not removed.

Is it normal to still feel sexual desire after FGM/C?

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Completely normal. Desire lives in your mind, nervous system and hormones, not in your genitals. Having sexual feelings after FGM/C doesn't mean something is wrong. It means your body is working exactly as it should.

Can sex be painful after FGM/C?

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For some women, yes particularly if there is scar tissue, tightening, or a narrowed vaginal opening. Pain during sex is not something you have to accept or push through. A gynaecologist or plastic surgeon experienced in FGM/C care, a trauma-aware pelvic floor physiotherapist, or a sex therapist can all help. Pain is a signal that support is needed, not a life sentence.

Does FGM/C affect arousal and lubrication?

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It can, but not always. Arousal is a whole-body response think increased heart rate, warmth, tingling, lubrication for example. Many women who have experienced FGM/C are surprised to find these responses are still very much present. If lubrication is reduced, this can also be influenced by hormones, stress, or anxiety rather than FGM/C alone. A good quality lubricant is always a good option.

Do you need a partner to work on sexual wellbeing after FGM/C?

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No. Sexual wellbeing belongs to you, with or without a partner. Understanding your own desire, exploring what feels good, and rebuilding a relationship with your body are things you can do on your own terms and at your own pace. Solo exploration is not a runner-up prize. For many women it's where healing begins.

Where can women find sexual health support after FGM/C?

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A Sex Therapist with FGM/C experience is often the best starting point, particularly for navigating intimacy, desire, and the emotional layers that come with it. Pelvic floor physiotherapy (trauma-aware) is valuable if there is pain or physical restriction. In Australia, organisations such as NSW Health, the African Women's Clinic and the Multicultural Centre for Women’s Health provide specialist clinical support. You don't have to piece this together alone.

The post Intimacy and Pleasure After FGM/C: What Your Body Can Do appeared first on Authentic Awareness.

Embracing Sex After 50: Navigating Libido, Confidence, and Pleasure During Menopause

Vanessa Tarfon — Sat, 01 Jun 2024 00:16:24 +0000

Embracing Sex After 50: Navigating Libido, Confidence, and Pleasure During Menopause

Vanessa Tarfon

1 Jun 2024 – 3 min read

Sexual intimacy, pleasure, and libido don’t take a backseat after 50 or during menopause. It’s a time of change, sure, but it’s also an opportunity for rediscovery and embracing your sexuality with confidence. Let’s dive into how you can navigate the ups and downs of libido, confidence, and pleasure during this stage of life.

Rediscovering Sexual Desire After 50

Finding your desire again after 50 or during menopause can feel like a daunting journey. Hormonal shifts and major life changes can throw things off balance, with 68% of Australian women experiencing low libido during menopause. 38% of menopausal women’s partners say their intimacy and relationship have been affected by the woman’s low libido.

But hey, it’s not all doom and gloom! With a bit of patience, a mindset shift, and some self-compassion, you can reignite that flame of desire.

So, where do we begin this journey of sexual rediscovery?

Positive Mindset Shift

Let’s reframe menopause as a time of sexual liberation! No more worrying about unwanted pregnancies or timing around your menstrual cycle. It’s your time to explore and show the world your authentic self, living life on your terms. And for partners out there, emotionally supporting your loved one through these changes will work wonders for your sexual relationship.

Cultivating Confidence

Confidence is key when it comes to embracing sex and intimacy after 50 or during menopause.

First, let’s engage in daily positive sexual self-talk. This involves promoting a mindset to embrace your sexuality as a natural and beautiful aspect of who you are, regardless of age or circumstance. Performed naked in front of the mirror, remind yourself daily of your inherent worthiness of pleasure and intimacy.

Next, write a sexual statement. A brief declaration of who you are as a sexual being, what you deserve, and what you’re willing to give and receive. Read it out loud to yourself at least three times a day. Trust me, it works wonders for reinforcing your confidence and self-worth.

Reconnecting Through Self-Pleasure

Self-pleasure is fundamental to rediscovering sex and intimacy after 50 or during menopause. Take time to reconnect with your body, exploring what feels good and how it responds to different sensations. This isn’t just about physical pleasure. It’s about reclaiming ownership of your body and desires and empowering you to communicate your needs and preferences with confidence to a partner.

Navigating Intimate Relationships

Dating and finding intimate partners after 50 or during menopause can be intimidating, but confidence and assertiveness are attractive qualities at any age. Most partners appreciate someone who can articulate their needs because they want to cherish you sexually. By speaking up about your desires and boundaries in the bedroom, you can foster open communication and prioritise your pleasure.

Embracing Sex Toys

Sex toys aren’t just for the younger crowd. They can be valuable tools for enhancing pleasure and intimacy after 50 or during menopause, especially if you’re navigating changes in libido or experiencing physical limitations. From vibrators to massage oils, there’s a wide range of options tailored to your needs and preferences. Don’t be afraid to explore and experiment until you find what works best for you.

Embracing intimacy after 50 or during menopause is a journey. One that requires patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to embrace change. By shifting your mindset, cultivating confidence and reconnecting with yourself you can reignite the flame of your sexuality and embrace a fulfilling and pleasurable life, regardless of age. So, remember, the best is yet to come. Embrace the journey!

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Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

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The post Embracing Sex After 50: Navigating Libido, Confidence, and Pleasure During Menopause appeared first on Authentic Awareness.

Menopause and Sex: Expectations and how to entice your intimacy back to life

Vanessa Tarfon — Mon, 01 Apr 2024 00:02:13 +0000

Menopause and Sex: Expectations and how to entice your intimacy back to life

Vanessa Tarfon

1 Apr 2024 – 4 min read

If you thought menopause was an old woman’s problem you’d never experience then think again. This denial and the secretive conversations about menopause have left everyone unprepared for midlife health. And I mean everyone, including women transitioning through menopause and their partners.

Even less is spoken about menopause and sexual health so it’s time to break the taboo.

When does menopause start?

Women can start the menopause transition at any age but it is most common to start in your mid-40s. The average age in industrialised countries is 47.5 years old and in Australia, the mean age for menopause is 51.3 years old.

The drop in oestradiol (oestrogen) is responsible for many of the symptoms below. Testosterone starts reducing from your mid-20s so it doesn’t cause a sudden decline in your sexual health.

Menopause symptoms that affect sexual health

Not all women experience the same symptoms or severity of symptoms which makes your transition and treatment individual. Given that sexuality is individual, your sexual health and functioning will be affected differently.

Psychological symptoms

Mood swings
Anger
Low libido/difficulty reaching orgasm
Identity crisis “feeling old”
Fogginess

These symptoms negatively impact overall confidence and self-image, sexual desire and relationship connection.

Physical/somatic symptoms

Pelvic floor weakness
Incontinence
Prolapse
Vaginal dryness
Vagina and vulva tissue thinning and loss of fatty tissue
Vaginal canal shortening

Hot flushes
Night sweats
Sleeping disorders
Muscle and joint pain
Sore breasts
Abdominal weight gain

These symptoms negatively impact body image, overall sense of wellbeing, and sexual functioning such as lubrication causing sexual pain and discomfort.

69% of menopausal women experience sexual problems around the world.

These symptoms can reduce sexual desire, increase arousal issues and difficulty to orgasm and cause painful sex.

Menopause symptoms are not the only reason for sexuality changes during this time. In this phase of life, women face life changes and psychosocial factors that negatively impact their sex lives.

Menopause impacts on relationships

Sexual activity decline – predominantly sexual activity frequency reduces. When it remains the same, often this is because the woman feels obliged to continue having sex but doesn’t desire sex. An ingrained sense of giving their partner what they “need” and prioritising male sexual pleasure.
Sexual satisfaction decreases – due to stress response activation and pain, sex becomes a chore that women bear through reducing their pleasure.
Communication issues – people lack the vocabulary to talk about sexual concerns with current or new partners. Sexual problems go in conjunction with communication decline. This is hard for single women who are experiencing menopause but want to shift a new relationship into a sexual relationship and face inadequacy fears like “Do I remember what to do?”
Relationship disconnection and commitment concerns – people drift apart navigating their hobbies, interests and needs alone. Resentment increases from anger and disappointment at their partner or current situation. If left unresolved it can lead to a decline in relationship commitment.

3 easy steps to navigate your sex life through menopause

Stay active

The International Menopause Society recommends 150 minutes of physical activity weekly through menopause. There are strong links between physical activity and reduced sexual problems. Staying active will support your mental, physical and sexual health through the release of endorphins. There is also a link between orgasm frequency and sexual activity frequency.

More physical activity = more sexual activity = increased pleasure.

Body image work

Positive self-messaging and sensual self-massages are important ways to accept your body and ensure your nerves continue to activate to pleasurable touch. If you don’t like yourself and want to touch yourself, it’s hard to be vulnerable in front of someone else. Contact me directly for more instructions.

Communication

If you’re in a relationship, don’t think you are the only one affected by age. Men also experience age-related sexual health changes. For example, increasing erectile dysfunction, reduction in morning erections and lower libido.

You and your partner must communicate about your sexual health because a decline in your sex life could likely be because you are BOTH experiencing changes and feeling embarrassed.

If you’re in a new relationship or dating, contact me today for the best way to access your inner sensual tiger and comfortably open up to new partners.

Menopause, sex and ageing education is limited, but this phase of life doesn’t need to be as daunting as it seems! It can be the best sexual time of your life! Contact me to receive more information on maintaining a healthy and exciting sex life now and into the future.

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Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

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The post Menopause and Sex: Expectations and how to entice your intimacy back to life appeared first on Authentic Awareness.

Conquer body image fears to enjoy sex with your partner

Vanessa Tarfon — Fri, 01 Mar 2024 00:58:35 +0000

Conquer body image fears to enjoy sex with your partner

Vanessa Tarfon

1 Mar 2024 – 3 min read

Do you spend way too much time thinking about how to prevent your partner from seeing your naked body? Do you change in the dark or lock doors? If this is you, honestly, you are wasting your time and energy.

I’ve looked back at old photos and thought damn I wish I felt confident in my body then because I was hot!

You never appreciate what you have until it’s gone and the same can be said for your body image. If you don’t stop and accept who you are and what you look like now, you will waste time and energy that would be better spent laughing and enjoying yourself with family and friends.

The reality is:

If you’ve recently had a baby your body shape is likely to have changed overall or weight distribution shifted.
If you’re transitioning through menopause you may have gained more abdominal weight.

It is all normal.

Beauty standards differ around the globe. I’ve seen larger women and women over 50 years old flaunting their assets in skimpy bikinis. Confident to let it all hang out (rolls, cellulite, thighs that touch, saggy breasts). In Australia, we hide our bodies as soon as we have half a roll. None of those women looked sad or nervous. They were enjoying everything life had to offer with confidence.

How low body image affects your sex life

If you are in a long-term, committed relationship the reality is, your partner thinks you are a goddess! It’s time to start listening because your self-criticism is destroying your relationship with yourself and your partner.

Strategies to deal with body image issues and change your sexual self-confidence to revive your sexuality

Mirror mirror on the wall who is the fairest one of all

1 in 7 women have a low sexual self-image and avoid mirrors. Today you will overcome that fear and start looking in the mirror. If you have a partner you can get them involved to support you through this step.

The goal is to look at your naked body in the mirror and talk yourself through what you see. What do you love and don’t love, and why?

Then think about where that belief or understanding has come from. For example, who told you that cellulite was ugly?

Then decide whether thinking that same way is benefiting you. If it isn’t and there is no valid reason then drop the belief or replace it with a positive one. For example, society sells me products to try to get rid of cellulite but the reality is that everyone has cellulite so it’s not realistic for me to say I won’t have any. My partner doesn’t notice it, I’m not going to worry about it anymore.

Daily self-talk reminder

It’s easy to get sucked back into negative thinking because 80% of our daily thoughts are negative. To combat this and stay on track give yourself a pep talk every morning and every night reminding yourself of 3 positive attributes you have. You are more than your appearance, so remember, your attributes are not just physical. They can include things like your personality and your values.

Touch comfort

Before you can relax and comfortably enjoy touch from a partner you need to reacquaint yourself with touch. Every day or other day, gently caress yourself all over and allow yourself to feel each area being touched. Start at the top of your head and slowly work your way down to your toes. You can touch around your genitals until you feel comfortable to touch your genitals. This massage reignites your nerve endings across your body (26% of your body are erogenous zones), and gets your endorphins flowing.

Movement endorphin push

There is a link between physical exercise and sexual satisfaction. Get moving and release endorphins through your body. You don’t need to hit a gym, just move freely at a moderate intensity. Do yoga, walk, dance, aerobics or chase kids. If you are in a relationship, combine exercise and bonding by doing something active together.

Beauty at any age is more than skin deep. For a life-long fulfilling sex life, it’s time to take a different approach. You and your partner will benefit long-term.

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Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

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The post Conquer body image fears to enjoy sex with your partner appeared first on Authentic Awareness.

How to stop maternal stress impeding sexual satisfaction

Vanessa Tarfon — Thu, 02 Nov 2023 00:36:22 +0000

How to stop maternal stress impeding sexual satisfaction

November 2, 2023
Posted by: Vanessa Tarfon
Category: Relationship , Self image , Sensual Self , Sex ,

No Comments

Mums experience high parental stress levels in the first 12 months postpartum and beyond. But did you know that a mother’s high stress levels negatively impact sexual satisfaction for both mum and dad. As I always say:

If Mama’s not happy, no one’s happy.

Mums are taught to practice selfless parenting where their lives revolve around the children, and their self-care is relegated to the backseat. This idea of selfless parenting hasn’t changed despite society’s evolution. Mums no longer have easy access to family or friends to help raise the children so the brunt of childcare is usually placed on mum, with dad crowned as “Assistant Manager”.

Where does this pressure and stress come from?

Mums spend a significant amount of their day undertaking parenting duties, completing more stereotypical household duties, managing their kid’s online presence, and 74% of Australian mothers work. Mums are critiqued by society for their parenting abilities and every choice they make, and self-judge to be the “perfect mum” and “have it all”.

The load on mothers is both physical and mental.

On top of this, mums aren’t given the chance to take a break and recover from pregnancy and birth, revive their sexual self-image (or their self-image as an individual), and worry about their intimate relationship and expectations. When new mums think of sex and intimacy they feel guilt, fear and humiliation.

All these thoughts and feelings stimulate stress and fatigue and sedate intimacy engagement and sexual satisfaction.

How do I separate from daily stress to engage in intimacy?

Ask yourself: What is my sexual self-image?

If the answer is anything like: unhappy, unsatisfied, non-existent or disappointing then know you are completely NORMAL. Better yet, it is possible to change your sexual self-image and be able to swap between being a mum and being a woman. Write down what you would like your sexual self-image to be. What do you want to see and feel when you look in the mirror?

Personal date night to restore and reactivate

The best way to restore calm to your mind and body and reactivate your sense of self is to do it alone. Take as little as an hour each week for yourself. Set a night aside, even after the children have gone to sleep, to do whatever you want. This excludes doing chores, work or partner interaction that night for at least 1 hour. What makes you feel like you? What makes you feel sexy? What makes you feel like a woman?

Sensual self-touch

Every day or other day, gently caress yourself all over and allow yourself to feel each area being touched. Start at the top of your head and slowly work your way down to your toes. You can touch around your genitals but not on your genitals. This is a great exploration to get used to being touched again. It reignites your nerve endings across your body (26% of your body are erogenous zones), and gets your endorphins flowing. This is best done in front of the mirror so you can see your touch and then repeat the process with closed eyes and focus on the sensations of your touch.

Confidence builder

Every day tell yourself one thing that is exceptional about yourself. It can be something you do, something about your personality or something about your body and looks. Tell yourself the same message 5 times over the day and every time you say it lift your head a little higher and put your shoulders back a bit more. Self-validation is key to confidence, and confidence is your best sexual asset.

For guided help join the Mama’s Sensual Safari now.

Sensual self-care isn’t selfish, it’s necessary, to have the energy and capability to care for others and connect to your partner. Sexual satisfaction for a couple is interdependent and associated with relationship stability. Relationship stability is important for stability within the home so let’s create stable happy homes for our little ones to thrive.

Author: Vanessa Tarfon

The post How to stop maternal stress impeding sexual satisfaction appeared first on Authentic Awareness.

4 ways to create a sexual mindset for satisfaction and pleasure

Vanessa Tarfon — Sun, 01 Oct 2023 00:38:21 +0000

4 ways to create a sexual mindset for satisfaction and pleasure

October 1, 2023
Posted by: Vanessa Tarfon
Category: Relationship , Self image , Sensual Self ,

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How do you experience pleasure and satisfaction in your sex life? Put yourself first. Yes, it’s time to be selfish. This is a new concept for women because we are taught from a young age that sex is more about reproduction than pleasure. Sex for pleasure belongs to men, and women are recipients of men’s pleasure and seed.

Think about the number of times you have had sex for pleasure vs. sex for reproduction. The average new mother is around 31 years old. Even if she was trying to conceive on every sexual occasion for 2 years, she is still likely to have had sex more often for pleasure than reproduction.

Reproduction is secondary to pleasure. Get pleasure from a sexual mindset shift.

What is a pleasure positive sexual mindset?

Understanding what sex is and that normal sex for everyone is different. There are few rules. People are satisfied with different frequencies and types of sex.
Knowing sex is fun! Everyone is always learning and exploring sexual activities to find new and exciting ways to keep the spice in life.
Acknowledging that you deserve sexual pleasure.
Being confident when you walk out of the house every day because you truly know yourself, what you like and how you want to live your life.
Owning your sexuality, what your body craves and enjoys and being willing to communicate it.
Acknowledging self-pleasure as important and necessary.
Not judging yourself or others for what brings you pleasure and enjoyment.

How do I change my sexual mindset to want more sex and pleasure?

Own your sexuality

Flaunt what you have! Own your sexuality, dress to impress and flaunt your assets as you see fit. When you dress and flaunt you don’t do it to seek validation from others. You do it because it makes you feel confident, sexy and happy. Internal validation and feeling sexy for yourself do more for your libido than any external validation. Exuding confidence is the sexiest asset that women have, and men EAT IT UP!

Write down your blockers

Struggling to own your sexuality and stay present during sex can have a lot to do with your background, religion, social and cultural beliefs. Write down what it is that stops you from actively participating or communicating during sex. Talk through any blockers with your friends or supporters for different opinions or contact me and let’s talk it out. Some beliefs may be so ingrained that changes will take longer to happen.

Take control and communicate

During sex, take control and communicate to your partner what you want or need to experience pleasure. Use your newfound confidence to speak up and bespoke your partner for your pleasure. I guarantee your partner wants you to enjoy yourself and please you. Don’t be shy to communicate if you want some role-play or toys included in your activities. Sex is about exploring and trialling.

Sensual self-massage to music

Check out this video for how it’s done but I want you to do it to sensual music. Take as long as you want, watch yourself in a mirror and move as you feel to the music. Not only will your nerves fire as they do during a regular self-massage, but your body will tighten and tingle with desire as more of your senses are engaged.

Having a positive sexual mindset will help you be the confident, strong and productive person you want to be, and give you the ability to be a strong role model for your children. You’ll learn the value of self-validation and have a strong sexual language to have open and honest conversations with your children as they grow to understand their sexuality and how to have healthy future relationships with themselves and others.

Contact me if you have any questions.

Author: Vanessa Tarfon

The post 4 ways to create a sexual mindset for satisfaction and pleasure appeared first on Authentic Awareness.

How to navigate your sex life through perimenopause after kids

Vanessa Tarfon — Sat, 02 Sep 2023 02:48:08 +0000

How to navigate your sex life through perimenopause after kids

September 2, 2023
Posted by: Vanessa Tarfon
Category: Desire , Intimacy , Relationship , Self image , Sensual Self , Sex ,

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I write and speak extensively about postpartum sexual health concerns, but what happens when we start to head into perimenopause territory? Are we missing signs because our body and mind haven’t recovered after having kids before we start perimenopause?

I, like many people, chose to have children later in life after enjoying my youthful 20s. After a recent discussion with some girlfriends I realised that as I’m heading towards a new decade next year, menopause is no longer my mum’s generation’s problem! My friends’ conversations are already starting to hint at perimenopausal symptoms!

How do you know if your lack of libido is postpartum-related or perimenopause?

In Australia, in 2021 the average first-time mother was 29 years old, and 38% of all mothers having babies were between 30 and 34 years old. Maternal age has consistently been rising.

Women can start perimenopause at any age but it is most common to start in your mid-40s.

Realistically, if you are 32 years old when you have your baby and you do NOTHING about improving your sexual health and relationship, the average time to see postpartum improvements is 10 years. This means you are 42 years old when you start to feel sexually and romantically revived. You’ve got about 5 years until things potentially start on a downward track again!

Perimenopause and menopause symptoms

Here’s what to expect as you transition to perimenopause and menopause. If you’re a mum how many of these look familiar?!

Psychological symptoms

Mood swings
Anger
Low libido/difficulty reaching orgasm
Difficulty accepting current health state

These symptoms negatively impact overall confidence and self-image (including “feeling old”), sexual desire and relationship connection.

Physical/somatic symptoms

Pelvic floor weakness
Incontinence
Prolapse
Vaginal dryness
Vaginal tissue thinning and size
Hot flashes
Night sweats
Sleeping disorders
Muscle and joint pain
Sore breasts
Weight gain

These symptoms negatively impact body image, overall sense of wellbeing, and sexual functioning such as lubrication causing sexual pain and discomfort.

69% of menopausal women experience sexual problems around the world.

If you are a mum struggling with these symptoms through postpartum and haven’t started perimenopause, join the Mama’s Sensual Safari now and start making changes early.

3 easy steps to navigate your sex life through perimenopause and menopause

Stay active

There is a link between more physical activity and less sexual problems so staying active is important for your mental, physical and sexual health. Sexually there is also a link between orgasm frequency and sexual activity frequency so the more you stay sexually active the more your body will respond to pleasure

Communication

If you’re in a relationship, don’t think that you are the only one affected by age. Men also experience age-related sexual health changes. For example, increasing erectile dysfunction, reduction in morning erections and lower libido. It’s not unusual for men to NEED to ejaculate and release their semen as their body produces more and needs to rid itself of the old. As men age this need for the body to rid itself of the “old” reduces.

You and your partner must communicate about your sexual health because a decline in your sex life could likely be because you are BOTH experiencing changes but are BOTH too embarrassed to discuss it.

Body image work

Positive self-messaging and sensual self-massages are important ways to accept your body and its changes and ensure your nerves continue to activate to pleasurable touch. Contact me directly for more instructions.

Men and women lack adequate sex education to understand their bodies as they age, let alone educate them on the opposite sex. Contact me, or a health professional and get the information you need to help maintain a healthy sex life now and into the future.

Author: Vanessa Tarfon

The post How to navigate your sex life through perimenopause after kids appeared first on Authentic Awareness.

Pelvic Organ Prolapse and Sex

Vanessa Tarfon — Mon, 05 Sep 2022 01:57:03 +0000

Pelvic Organ Prolapse and Sex

September 5, 2022
Posted by: Vanessa Tarfon
Category: Prolapse , Self image , Sensual Self , Sex ,

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Pelvic Organ Prolapse (POP) can be a debilitating condition with life-altering effects including intimate relationships. Sexual health has important positive impacts on our overall wellbeing, physical and mental health, but what happens when sex seems impossible?

In Australia, it’s estimated that at least half of women who have had more than one child experience pelvic organ prolapse.

Pelvic organ prolapse occurs when one of the pelvic organs sags and may bulge or protrude into the vagina. There are several types and grades of prolapse with many women being asymptomatic. Others report vaginal pressure or heaviness, a vaginal bulge that can be seen or felt, irritation, sexual problems or incontinence.

Not exactly a recipe for sexual excitement!

The 2 biggest concerns when it comes to sex and prolapse

Sexual self-image

Body image and sexual self-image are the biggest causes of a reduced sex life. Women with pelvic organ prolapse can feel undesirable, embarrassed, ashamed and insecure.

They are also concerned about what their partner may see or feel during sex because they may not even want to see or feel their genitals.

Communication

54% of mothers aren’t confident to discuss sex-related problems. Women with POP find it difficult to speak to their partner about:

Sexual pain/discomfort
Incontinence during sex
Different sexual activities such as oral sex. Is it a yes or a no-go?
Fear of the unknown. Will sex make the prolapse worse? Will I be incontinent?
Pessary use during sex

Is sex with prolapse possible?

Absolutely!

Sex includes a plethora of activities. Sex is not penetrative intercourse. There are many ways to remain intimate and sexually active in your relationship with prolapse.

You can even use sex toys! 26% of your body’s surface is erogenous zones. There’s a huge array of toys on the market today to explore the endless possibilities your body has to offer.

Sex with a pessary

Sex with a pessary is possible. Only some pessaries are removable so if intimacy is important to you and your relationship, where possible, request a removable pessary.

In one study of sexually active pessary users, 70% removed their pessary for sexual intercourse, often due to partner preferences. It is clear from several studies that the partner’s opinion on sex with a pessary was highly influential. Often it’s removed because the partner can feel it or is concerned that it will hurt the woman.

Whether you want to remove the pessary or not is up to you as a couple considering pain reduction, pleasure enhancement and comfort.

What’s the best approach to sex with prolapse?

If it’s been a while since you have been intimate, sex can be stressful. Take the stress out of sex with:

Partner Communication

It’s time to have that awkward conversation! Grab a drink and sit down with your partner and talk about:

How you see yourself as a sexual person
How important intimacy and sex are to you
What your biggest concerns are when it comes to having sex
What your boundaries are, what you are willing to do and try and what you don’t want to do

This awkward conversation is going to help remove your anxiety because you and your partner have developed a game plan to move forward.

Touch Techniques

Touch is important for connection and increasing sexual desire. Consider touch variations of pressure, vibration, temperature and location.

Non-genital touch sessions are great to start with by taking the pressure off a session heading too far or in a direction you aren’t ready for.

Genital touch doesn’t need to be skin-to-skin. Keep your underwear on until you feel comfortable to remove them.

Intercourse Ideas

Try lots of different positions until you find the ones that work best for you. Missionary is often thought of as male-dominant because they are on top, but you can take control from the bottom. For example, telling your partner to straighten their legs and support themselves on their elbows will automatically limit movement. Consider positions where gravity is working with you not against you.

Tools of the trade

Lubricant: grab a good lubricant that’s going to last. Silicone-based are thicker and longer lasting than water-based. My favourite is Lucy Lube. It’s TGA approved and surprisingly thick for a water-based. Don’t be shy to reapply!
Ohnut: a set of 4 rings that act as a buffer and are used to stop penetrative pain. It’s great for easing back into penetrative intercourse and if you do wear a pessary during intercourse and YOU find it more comfortable but your partner complains they can feel it, the ohnut may be enough of a buffer to prevent them from touching it.
Squirt blanket: If incontinence is a concern grab a squirt blanket and a towel. Use the waterproof blanket to protect your bedding and a hand towel in case you need to wipe. These versatile blankets can be used during your period, if you use a natural lubricant or whilst doing some food play.

Confidently get back in the saddle and enjoy your sexual health and all its benefits.

After additional information? Grab a copy of your FREE Sex and Prolapse Fact Sheet here.

Author: Vanessa Tarfon

The post Pelvic Organ Prolapse and Sex appeared first on Authentic Awareness.

HELP! I’m over 30 years old and missed my sexual peak

Vanessa Tarfon — Tue, 02 Aug 2022 03:45:15 +0000

HELP! I’m over 30 years old and missed my sexual peak

August 2, 2022
Posted by: Vanessa Tarfon
Category: Relationship , Self image , Sensual Self , Sex ,

No Comments

When we are young we are told that women reach their sexual peak in their 30s later than men in their early 20s. We think this is because of hormonal and physiological functions but I’m here to say it’s FALSE!

What is a sexual peak?

A sexual peak is said to be when you are capable of having the most satisfying sex frequently. I’m here to say there is no single peak. We have several “peaks” over our life when it comes to sex just as we have several “troughs”. Imagining we have only one peak tells us that sex isn’t as satisfying outside of these years, which is FLAWED!

Is there any truth to women’s sexual peak in their 30s?

In short, yes. BUT here’s why I believe women hit one of their peaks in their 30s.

Confidence: Women are older and wiser, making great ground in their career, and/or raising a family. They know themselves better and don’t want to have mediocre sex anymore. They are more sexually expressive to ask for what they need and want.

Time is short: Many women in their 30s are tired, busy mothers so “nobody got time for that”. QUALITY is much more important than QUANTITY. In 2006, 63% of Australian women had children between 30-34 years old. By the time we hit 2016, 84% of women 45-49 years of age had children.

Practice makes perfect: When we are young and first start having sex we don’t really know what we like and girls aren’t told to self-pleasure as a rite of passage. It takes women time to realise what they need to make sex enjoyable. After all that practice in our 20s we hit our 30s and demand pleasure.

Prioritising our goals: When we are younger we have more casual hookups resulting in less orgasm and pleasure. For heterosexual couples, the male’s orgasm is prioritised. Heterosexual women in relationships are significantly more likely to orgasm than single women. In recent research, of women who orgasmed, 67.9% were in a relationship and 32.1% were single. Of those that did not orgasm, 32.3% were in a relationship and 67.7% were single.

I’m a mum now, there’s no sexual activity let alone sexual peak for me!

There is a definite decline in sex after kids. Relationship satisfaction hits a low and potentially doesn’t pick up until the kids leave home! That is a LONG time to wait!

A 2016 survey of first-time parent couples between 3-12 months postpartum, found that 89% of new mothers endorsed 11 or more sexual concerns.

Mothers can be self-sabotaging. Those who believe that their sexual concerns will continue because they are now a mother and this is their future may feel more negatively about their sexual relationship. Be less attuned to their physiological responses during sex, less sensitive to their partner’s sexual cues, or less likely to initiate sex, resulting in lower sexual satisfaction.

Mama, it’s time. Don’t wait until the kids move out!

How can I make NOW my sexual peak?

It’s never too late to make NOW your sexual peak. Here’s how to get it.

Write down what you want out of your sex life and your sexuality

Know exactly what you want, what you like, and what your sexual concerns are. Make a decision to pursue the goal of pleasure and orgasm.

Use “I” statements to ask for what you want and what you need

Don’t be afraid to ask your partner/s for what you want and need. Good quality is more important than quantity. I promise your partner wants to please you so help them.

Spend time alone learning about your body

Simply thinking of orgasm as important is insufficient. Orgasm goal pursuit predicts orgasm occurrence.If you want to achieve orgasm, spend some time practicing self-pleasure to find out what works for you. To experience full pleasure you must be relaxed and in the moment. This is where the Mama’s Sensual Safari is perfect for getting you to your goals.

The pursuit of pleasure is possible for everyone. Are you ready to prioritise your sexual peak and pleasure today?

Discover more about the Mama’s Sensual Safari today.

Author: Vanessa Tarfon

The post HELP! I’m over 30 years old and missed my sexual peak appeared first on Authentic Awareness.

Self image Archives - Authentic Awareness

Why Orgasm Feels Different After 40 (And Whether It Comes Back)

Why Orgasm Feels Different After 40 (And Whether It Comes Back)

Vanessa Tarfon

What Actually Changes (Because "Menopause Ruins Your Sex Life" Is Not An Explanation)

Why It's Happening (The Boring But Important Bit)

Does It Come Back?

Local vaginal oestrogen

Testosterone

Melatonin

With a partner: Oral Sex

On your own: Self-pleasure

Novelty and adventure

The Bit I Actually Want You To Take Away

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Vanessa Tarfon

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FAQs: Orgasm Changes During Menopause

Intimacy and Pleasure After FGM/C: What Your Body Can Do

Intimacy and Pleasure After Female Genital Mutilation/Cutting: What Your Body Can Do

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Are sexual feelings normal after FGM/C?

Your Clitoris Is Still There

Pleasure Lives Everywhere in Your Body

Discover Pleasure After FGM/C: 3 Things You Can Start Doing Right Now

1. Get curious about your own body – all of it

2. Let yourself feel what you feel without shame

3. Redefine What Pleasure Means to You

You Are Not Broken After FGM/C

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Embracing Sex After 50: Navigating Libido, Confidence, and Pleasure During Menopause

Embracing Sex After 50: Navigating Libido, Confidence, and Pleasure During Menopause

Vanessa Tarfon

Rediscovering Sexual Desire After 50

So, where do we begin this journey of sexual rediscovery?

Positive Mindset Shift

Cultivating Confidence

Reconnecting Through Self-Pleasure

Navigating Intimate Relationships

Embracing Sex Toys

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Menopause and Sex: Expectations and how to entice your intimacy back to life

Menopause and Sex: Expectations and how to entice your intimacy back to life

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When does menopause start?

Menopause symptoms that affect sexual health

Psychological symptoms

Physical/somatic symptoms

Menopause impacts on relationships

3 easy steps to navigate your sex life through menopause

Stay active

Body image work

Communication

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Conquer body image fears to enjoy sex with your partner

Conquer body image fears to enjoy sex with your partner

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Mirror mirror on the wall who is the fairest one of all

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