1. High-Quality Lubricants: Comfort Is Care

Why lubricant matters for sexual health

Lube is Life!

Reduced lubrication is common with hormonal changes, menopause and ageing, and it’s one of the most searched reasons sex becomes uncomfortable. A high-quality (sorry not supermarket ones) lubricant can reduce friction, ease discomfort and help the body relax into sensation.

When the body feels safe, pleasure is far more accessible.

What to look for in a body-safe lubricant:

• pH-balanced and vulva-friendly
• Free from fragrances or harsh additives
• Designed for sensitive or menopausal tissue

Gifting a lubricant isn’t unromantic, it’s practical and deeply caring, acknowledging that comfort matters.

Recommended Brands:

• Ellechemy (enjoy 10% off with code: VANESSATARFON10)
• Olive and Bee
• Yes Organics

2. External Vibrators: Supporting Arousal  Without Pressure

Are vibrators good for sexual wellness?

Yes! Especially external vibrators.

External vibrators support blood flow to genital tissue, nerve stimulation and arousal all of which are important for sexual health as we age.

For many women, especially those experiencing hormonal changes, arousal doesn’t happen spontaneously (surprise!). Gentle external stimulation can help the body warm up without pressure or expectation and they can be used anywhere on the external body (don’t restrict yourself please!).

What to look for when gifting a vibrator

• External rather than internal designs (although internal ones can also be used externally)
• Simple, discreet shape
• Quiet, non-intimidating options (loud rumbling/whirring sounds is a turn off, especially if you’re nervous kids will wake up and ask, “what’s that noise?”).

This isn’t about “fixing” desire it’s about supporting the body’s natural response.

Recommended Options:

• Dame – Fin
• Deia – Feather tickler
• Happymash – Pause Clitoris Clip
• Love My Feels – Tease

3. Sensual Massage Oils: Touch Without Expectation

Massage oils create opportunities for intimacy that aren’t goal-oriented. Touch without expectation can calm the nervous system, increase connection and rebuild trust in physical closeness.

How to use massage for connection (not pressure)

• Frame it as relaxation, not foreplay
• Remove expectations of sex afterwards
• Focus on presence, not outcome

For many long-term couples, this type of touch feels more nourishing than sexual activity itself.

Recommended Brands:

• Banana Passion (use code: AUTHENTIC10 for 10% OFF)
• Integrity Candles

4. Books and Conversation Tools: Intimacy Beyond the Body

Intimacy doesn’t start in the bedroom.

Books and tools can:

• Normalise changing desire and pleasure
• Support conversations about menopause and sex
• Reduce shame and confusion around intimacy

Thoughtful sexual wellness gift ideas

• Books on women’s sexual health or midlife intimacy
• Card decks or guided conversation tools
• A session with a qualified Sex Therapist

These gifts say: I care about how you experience intimacy, not just what we do.

Recommendations:

• Come Together by Emily Nagoski – perfect for curious minds who want to understand desire, arousal and intimacy on a deeper psychological level.
• Marypause by Mary Coustas – funny, relatable and informative, this book naturally opens menopause conversations. Research shows that when both partners understand and hold a positive mindset around menopause, the experience and symptoms can feel far more manageable.
• The Adventure Challenge (connection-focused date ideas)

5. How You Gift Matters More Than What You Gift

A sexual wellness gift should never come with pressure. The most important part of giving is how it’s framed.

Supportive language sounds like:

• “I thought this might support your comfort.”
• “There’s no expectation, just something to explore if and when you want.”
• “This is about care and connection, not obligation.”

When gifts feel safe, they’re far more likely to be received with openness rather than anxiety.

Day 1: The Long Hug

When you greet each other, hold the hug for 5 seconds longer than usual.
Let your shoulders drop. Exhale. This signals safety, the foundation for desire.

Single: Hug yourself or a pillow.

Day 2: A Shared Sensual Playlist

Create a playlist that feels warm, slow, playful, or slightly sultry. Play it while cooking, cleaning, driving whenever you like.
Music is one of the fastest ways to shift out of stress and into connection.

Day 3: A Real Good Morning Kiss

Not the rushed “quick peck” that barely registers. A real, slow 10 second kiss.

Single: Touch your body and tell yourself one thing you appreciate.

Day 4: Hands Only

Sit close either naked or in your underwear, and explore each other’s backs, arms, necks, shoulders, thighs with just your hands. Not sexual but sensual. Your skin is your largest organ.

Single: Touch your body while watching your reflection.

Day 5: Wear Something That Feels Delicious

Choose softness, silkiness, warmth, whatever your body says “mmm yummy” to because pleasure starts with sensation.

Day 6: A One-Line Love Note

Leave a simple one-liner somewhere surprising for your partner (or yourself) to find. It’s the unexpectedness that sparks connection.

Day 7: The Gentle Kitchen Touch

A slow hand on the back or waist as you pass. Presence creates desire more reliably than anything else.

Day 8: A Compliment That Goes Deeper

Try:

• “I love how your mind works.”
• “I feel so supported by you.”
• “I love your energy.”

Emotional connection is one of the biggest drivers of desire after 40.

Day 9: Slow Dance (Music Optional)

Sway. Breathe. Just two bodies remembering each other.

Single: Dance freely for yourself.

Day 10: Warm Water Ritual

Take a shower or bath, use a heat pack or hold a warm drink. Warmth signals your body to relax essential for libido.

Day 11: Share a Memory Where You Felt Close

Talk about a moment you felt connected, supported, or seen. This reactivates your emotional bond and desire grows from there.

Single: Write down a memory of pure happiness.

Day 12: Kiss Like You Mean It

No rushing. Just slow and present kissing.

Here’s the truth: not everyone can squirt, and even if you can, it’s not guaranteed to happen every time. Some people discover it accidentally, others spend ages trying to figure it out. And some never do and that’s perfectly okay.

One study found that around 40% of women had squirted at least once, and two-thirds said it happened unintentionally the first time. Most people who squirt don’t do it regularly, and only a small percentage say they always orgasm and squirt together. Because yes it doesn’t always happen simultaneously! A Swedish study found similar patterns: 58% had experienced squirting or female ejaculation, but only 7% got it consistently, and about 52% only occasionally. In other words, it’s not as common or predictable as the internet and novels makes it seem.

Anorgasmia is an umbrella term referring to persistent difficulty or inability to reach orgasm despite adequate stimulation and arousal. It can show up suddenly in midlife or be a lifelong experience. While many women are told “you just need to relax” or “you’ll grow out of it,” the truth is far more layered, especially during hormonal transitions like perimenopause and menopause.

Many of us were raised in environments where touching ourselves was taboo. I work with women who have never touched themselves at all because they were told it was dirty. Others feared pregnancy so deeply that the idea of desire was always tied to anxiety. For many, being sexual was dangerous, risky, or just something that invited judgment. That programming doesn’t just vanish when we hit adulthood.

So, if you’re now exploring your body and desire for the first time, it’s not because you missed something, it’s because you’re finally giving yourself permission to heal and reconnect. That’s powerful.

We’re conditioned to be the “good partner”, the “selfless mum”, or the “unstoppable career woman”, and nowhere in these narratives is there room for you to…enjoy yourself. Add stress, hormones, or that sneaky little critic in your head, and it’s no surprise that many women feel disconnected from their sensual selves.

Low libido can be caused by a mix of physical, psychological, and social factors that impact your body, mind, and relationships. Here are some typical culprits that might be affecting your desire:

Hormones:

Menstrual cycle: PMS symptoms like bloating, cramps, mood swings, and headaches, along with where you are in your cycle, can all dampen desire.

Menopause: Decreased oestrogen leads to symptoms like hot flashes, vaginal dryness, and discomfort during sex, making intimacy less appealing. Add to that the gradual loss of testosterone that started in your 20s, and it’s no wonder you might feel less interested.

Breastfeeding: Prolactin, the hormone responsible for milk production, also tends to lower libido (plus sleep disruption and fatigue!)

Medications: Antidepressants, blood pressure medications, and even birth control can all mess with your sexual desire.

Medical Conditions:

Chronic illnesses: Spinal cord injuries, kidney failure, or conditions like endometriosis, polycystic ovaries, or pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) can directly affect sexual desire.

Painful sex: If intercourse is painful due to conditions like fibroids, prolapse, or infections (like thrush or UTIs), it’s only natural for your desire to decrease.

Psychological Factors:

Mental health: Depression, anxiety, body image issues, or unresolved feelings of guilt or resentment toward a partner can heavily impact libido.

Life transitions: Major changes like motherhood, menopause, relationship issues or career stress can make sex feel like the last thing on your mind.

Sexual Stimulation and Context: Sometimes, it’s the little things – bad lighting, awkward timing, or unrealistic expectations that can sabotage desire before it even starts.

Sex miseducation: Inadequate sexual stimulation or sexual misconceptions can lead to performance anxiety and fears reducing libido as a coping mechanism for emotional protection.