After 40, your hormonal landscape changes.

Oestrogen begins to fluctuate and gradually decline during perimenopause and menopause. Testosterone shifts too, and yes women need testosterone for sexual desire and arousal. Vaginal tissue may become thinner and less elastic. Natural lubrication often takes longer.

Still have regular periods? Click here for find out how your cycle affects desire and arousal no matter your age.

In your 20s and early 30s, arousal may have felt spontaneous (and yes, I mean FELT spontaneous but doesn’t mean it WAS spontaneous). You could think about sex and your body would follow quickly.

In midlife, arousal often becomes slower and more conditional. This doesn’t mean you have low libido. It means your body requires more time, stimulation and safety.

Layer on the mental load most midlife women carry – careers, ageing parents, teenagers, relationship dynamics, sleep disruption, and stress – and your nervous system is rarely in a relaxed state. Arousal requires a parasympathetic (calm) nervous system. Stress shuts it down.

Notice how you have less patience generally after 40? Yep, that applies during sex and intimacy too! You want it to be worth it, otherwise…what’s the point?!

Early in relationships, desire feels effortless. Hormones, novelty and anticipation do the work for you in that honeymoon phase. But the honeymoon phase tends to disappear at 6 months, so what can you expect to happen after 10 years!?

In long-term relationships, especially after 35, desire becomes contextual rather than automatic. Stress, mental load, sleep deprivation, hormonal shifts and predictability all affect sexual response.

Desire discrepancy is normal in long-term couples, not a sign of incompatibility or emotional disconnection. Yet culturally, we still treat sexual desire as proof of love.

We talk a lot about declining libido during perimenopause and menopause, and for some women, that’s absolutely real. But there’s another story that rarely gets airtime.

Many women over 40 experience:

• The same level of sexual desire, or
• An increase in desire, or
• A deeper craving for intimacy, pleasure, and embodiment

At the same time, their male partner’s desire often drops.

This creates a desire discrepancy in relationships, which can feel confusing and destabilising, especially when it’s the opposite of what the couple has known for decades!

Many women quietly search:

• “Why doesn’t my partner want sex anymore?”
• “Is he not attracted to me?”

And too often, they internalise the answer.

1. High-Quality Lubricants: Comfort Is Care

Why lubricant matters for sexual health

Lube is Life!

Reduced lubrication is common with hormonal changes, menopause and ageing, and it’s one of the most searched reasons sex becomes uncomfortable. A high-quality (sorry not supermarket ones) lubricant can reduce friction, ease discomfort and help the body relax into sensation.

When the body feels safe, pleasure is far more accessible.

What to look for in a body-safe lubricant:

• pH-balanced and vulva-friendly
• Free from fragrances or harsh additives
• Designed for sensitive or menopausal tissue

Gifting a lubricant isn’t unromantic, it’s practical and deeply caring, acknowledging that comfort matters.

Recommended Brands:

• Ellechemy (enjoy 10% off with code: VANESSATARFON10)
• Olive and Bee
• Yes Organics

2. External Vibrators: Supporting Arousal  Without Pressure

Are vibrators good for sexual wellness?

Yes! Especially external vibrators.

External vibrators support blood flow to genital tissue, nerve stimulation and arousal all of which are important for sexual health as we age.

For many women, especially those experiencing hormonal changes, arousal doesn’t happen spontaneously (surprise!). Gentle external stimulation can help the body warm up without pressure or expectation and they can be used anywhere on the external body (don’t restrict yourself please!).

What to look for when gifting a vibrator

• External rather than internal designs (although internal ones can also be used externally)
• Simple, discreet shape
• Quiet, non-intimidating options (loud rumbling/whirring sounds is a turn off, especially if you’re nervous kids will wake up and ask, “what’s that noise?”).

This isn’t about “fixing” desire it’s about supporting the body’s natural response.

Recommended Options:

• Dame – Fin
• Deia – Feather tickler
• Happymash – Pause Clitoris Clip
• Love My Feels – Tease

3. Sensual Massage Oils: Touch Without Expectation

Massage oils create opportunities for intimacy that aren’t goal-oriented. Touch without expectation can calm the nervous system, increase connection and rebuild trust in physical closeness.

How to use massage for connection (not pressure)

• Frame it as relaxation, not foreplay
• Remove expectations of sex afterwards
• Focus on presence, not outcome

For many long-term couples, this type of touch feels more nourishing than sexual activity itself.

Recommended Brands:

• Banana Passion (use code: AUTHENTIC10 for 10% OFF)
• Integrity Candles

4. Books and Conversation Tools: Intimacy Beyond the Body

Intimacy doesn’t start in the bedroom.

Books and tools can:

• Normalise changing desire and pleasure
• Support conversations about menopause and sex
• Reduce shame and confusion around intimacy

Thoughtful sexual wellness gift ideas

• Books on women’s sexual health or midlife intimacy
• Card decks or guided conversation tools
• A session with a qualified Sex Therapist

These gifts say: I care about how you experience intimacy, not just what we do.

Recommendations:

• Come Together by Emily Nagoski – perfect for curious minds who want to understand desire, arousal and intimacy on a deeper psychological level.
• Marypause by Mary Coustas – funny, relatable and informative, this book naturally opens menopause conversations. Research shows that when both partners understand and hold a positive mindset around menopause, the experience and symptoms can feel far more manageable.
• The Adventure Challenge (connection-focused date ideas)

5. How You Gift Matters More Than What You Gift

A sexual wellness gift should never come with pressure. The most important part of giving is how it’s framed.

Supportive language sounds like:

• “I thought this might support your comfort.”
• “There’s no expectation, just something to explore if and when you want.”
• “This is about care and connection, not obligation.”

When gifts feel safe, they’re far more likely to be received with openness rather than anxiety.

Women over 35 are often carrying a heavy mental and emotional load: careers, parenting, relationships, finances, perimenopause, menopause, and identity shifts. When stress becomes constant, the body produces higher levels of cortisol and adrenaline, which suppress the hormones needed for sexual arousal.

This can lead to:

• Low libido
• Reduced vaginal lubrication and physiological arousal changes
• Painful sex or discomfort during intimacy
• Difficulty reaching orgasm
• Feeling disconnected from your body or partner

This isn’t a personal failure, it’s a nervous system response.

During stress, your brain prioritises survival over pleasure. Sex simply drops down the priority list even in loving, healthy relationships.

Day 1: The Long Hug

When you greet each other, hold the hug for 5 seconds longer than usual.
Let your shoulders drop. Exhale. This signals safety, the foundation for desire.

Single: Hug yourself or a pillow.

Day 2: A Shared Sensual Playlist

Create a playlist that feels warm, slow, playful, or slightly sultry. Play it while cooking, cleaning, driving whenever you like.
Music is one of the fastest ways to shift out of stress and into connection.

Day 3: A Real Good Morning Kiss

Not the rushed “quick peck” that barely registers. A real, slow 10 second kiss.

Single: Touch your body and tell yourself one thing you appreciate.

Day 4: Hands Only

Sit close either naked or in your underwear, and explore each other’s backs, arms, necks, shoulders, thighs with just your hands. Not sexual but sensual. Your skin is your largest organ.

Single: Touch your body while watching your reflection.

Day 5: Wear Something That Feels Delicious

Choose softness, silkiness, warmth, whatever your body says “mmm yummy” to because pleasure starts with sensation.

Day 6: A One-Line Love Note

Leave a simple one-liner somewhere surprising for your partner (or yourself) to find. It’s the unexpectedness that sparks connection.

Day 7: The Gentle Kitchen Touch

A slow hand on the back or waist as you pass. Presence creates desire more reliably than anything else.

Day 8: A Compliment That Goes Deeper

Try:

• “I love how your mind works.”
• “I feel so supported by you.”
• “I love your energy.”

Emotional connection is one of the biggest drivers of desire after 40.

Day 9: Slow Dance (Music Optional)

Sway. Breathe. Just two bodies remembering each other.

Single: Dance freely for yourself.

Day 10: Warm Water Ritual

Take a shower or bath, use a heat pack or hold a warm drink. Warmth signals your body to relax essential for libido.

Day 11: Share a Memory Where You Felt Close

Talk about a moment you felt connected, supported, or seen. This reactivates your emotional bond and desire grows from there.

Single: Write down a memory of pure happiness.

Day 12: Kiss Like You Mean It

No rushing. Just slow and present kissing.

Here’s the truth: not everyone can squirt, and even if you can, it’s not guaranteed to happen every time. Some people discover it accidentally, others spend ages trying to figure it out. And some never do and that’s perfectly okay.

One study found that around 40% of women had squirted at least once, and two-thirds said it happened unintentionally the first time. Most people who squirt don’t do it regularly, and only a small percentage say they always orgasm and squirt together. Because yes it doesn’t always happen simultaneously! A Swedish study found similar patterns: 58% had experienced squirting or female ejaculation, but only 7% got it consistently, and about 52% only occasionally. In other words, it’s not as common or predictable as the internet and novels makes it seem.

This mindset hasn’t just appeared out of nowhere, it’s been drip-fed to us for generations through cultural, social, and media messages. Our grandmothers may have been told to do their “wifely duty.” Our mothers may have absorbed the idea that “good wives” provide sex regularly to keep a husband loyal. And today, women still hear the same themes, just wrapped in more modern packaging.

Take a film like My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2. It’s supposed to be funny and relatable, but what it really does is showcase the kind of conversations that happen in living rooms and kitchens everywhere. Women rolling their eyes, men groaning about not getting enough sex, and sex itself positioned as a duty rather than a delight “if your knees are open, shut your eyes“.

By laughing at it, we normalise it, and the message passes seamlessly onto the next generation.

So why do so many women feel that sex is a chore?
Because that’s the cultural script we’ve been handed: men want more, women give in, and women’s pleasure is secondary.

And here’s the kicker: this cultural script centres almost exclusively on penetrative sex. It side lines everything else that could be pleasurable and intimate. It positions intercourse as the “real” sex, the main event, while everything else is considered optional or lesser. This narrow view does a disservice to both women and men.

Stress can wreak havoc on your entire body, including your testosterone levels – a hormone partly responsible for regulating libido in both men and women. It might seem easier said than done, but by reducing your stress, you’ll likely see a positive effect on your sex drive.

Even small daily stressors can add up to have a big impact on our overall stress levels over time. Some stress-inducing circumstances can’t be helped, but it’s a good idea to try changing the things that you do have some control over. For example, you could reduce the time you spend going out if you think you could benefit from some relaxing time at home, or create a helpful schedule if you feel overwhelmed by daily errands or work tasks.