After 40, your hormonal landscape changes.

Oestrogen begins to fluctuate and gradually decline during perimenopause and menopause. Testosterone shifts too, and yes women need testosterone for sexual desire and arousal. Vaginal tissue may become thinner and less elastic. Natural lubrication often takes longer.

Still have regular periods? Click here for find out how your cycle affects desire and arousal no matter your age.

In your 20s and early 30s, arousal may have felt spontaneous (and yes, I mean FELT spontaneous but doesn’t mean it WAS spontaneous). You could think about sex and your body would follow quickly.

In midlife, arousal often becomes slower and more conditional. This doesn’t mean you have low libido. It means your body requires more time, stimulation and safety.

Layer on the mental load most midlife women carry – careers, ageing parents, teenagers, relationship dynamics, sleep disruption, and stress – and your nervous system is rarely in a relaxed state. Arousal requires a parasympathetic (calm) nervous system. Stress shuts it down.

Notice how you have less patience generally after 40? Yep, that applies during sex and intimacy too! You want it to be worth it, otherwise…what’s the point?!

We talk a lot about declining libido during perimenopause and menopause, and for some women, that’s absolutely real. But there’s another story that rarely gets airtime.

Many women over 40 experience:

• The same level of sexual desire, or
• An increase in desire, or
• A deeper craving for intimacy, pleasure, and embodiment

At the same time, their male partner’s desire often drops.

This creates a desire discrepancy in relationships, which can feel confusing and destabilising, especially when it’s the opposite of what the couple has known for decades!

Many women quietly search:

• “Why doesn’t my partner want sex anymore?”
• “Is he not attracted to me?”

And too often, they internalise the answer.