menopause Archives - Authentic Awareness

When You Want Sex But Don’t Feel Aroused After 40

Vanessa Tarfon — Fri, 01 May 2026 00:02:03 +0000

When You Want Sex But Don’t Feel Aroused After 40

Vanessa Tarfon

1 May 2026 – 3 min read

You love your partner, you miss intimacy, you even think “yes, I’d like to feel close tonight”, and then when things begin to heat up in the bedroom your body just doesn’t respond!

Sometimes it looks like no lubrication, no swelling or building heat or goosebumps. Other times, it feels like all these things are happening but then just plateau, and you can’t work out what happened. Why did your body stop its climb half-way up the orgasm mountain?

It can be deeply confusing because your mind is onboard, but your body isn’t.

Let’s talk about why this arousal disconnect happens in perimenopause and menopause, and what you can actually do about it.

Why You Can Want Sex But Not Feel Aroused After 40

After 40, your hormonal landscape changes.

Oestrogen begins to fluctuate and gradually decline during perimenopause and menopause. Testosterone shifts too, and yes women need testosterone for sexual desire and arousal. Vaginal tissue may become thinner and less elastic. Natural lubrication often takes longer.

Still have regular periods? Click here for find out how your cycle affects desire and arousal no matter your age.

In your 20s and early 30s, arousal may have felt spontaneous (and yes, I mean FELT spontaneous but doesn’t mean it WAS spontaneous). You could think about sex and your body would follow quickly.

In midlife, arousal often becomes slower and more conditional. This doesn’t mean you have low libido. It means your body requires more time, stimulation and safety.

Layer on the mental load most midlife women carry – careers, ageing parents, teenagers, relationship dynamics, sleep disruption, and stress – and your nervous system is rarely in a relaxed state. Arousal requires a parasympathetic (calm) nervous system. Stress shuts it down.

Notice how you have less patience generally after 40? Yep, that applies during sex and intimacy too! You want it to be worth it, otherwise…what’s the point?!

Sexual desire or libido is your brain saying “yes I want to act and have sex”, arousal is your body responding to this and making changes (most internal) to create a comfortable environment for pleasure and orgasm to occur

Menopause, Vaginal Dryness and Pain During Sex

If sex has become uncomfortable (even mildly) your body will remember.

Pain or discomfort during sex after 40 is extremely common due to declining oestrogen affecting vulval and vaginal tissue. Dryness, tearing, stinging, or deeper discomfort can lead to tension.

Even if your mind wants intimacy, your body may tense in anticipation. This tension reduces lubrication further and reinforces discomfort, which causes avoidance.

This cycle is incredibly common in menopause and sex conversations, but it is reversible with the right support.

Physically, using lubricant consistently (without shame), exploring vaginal moisturisers, discussing local oestrogen with a trusted GP can make a profound difference.

But equally important is building emotional safety.

The Emotional Impact of Low Libido and Arousal Changes: Shame and Self-Blame

What makes the arousal disconnect so painful is the meaning women attach to it.

“I should want this more.”
“I’m failing my partner.”
“Maybe I’m just not sexual anymore.”

Midlife women were rarely educated about perimenopause sexual changes. So when the body shifts, it feels like a personal flaw instead of a developmental stage.

Sexuality at 45 is not meant to look like sexuality at 28.

It can be deeper, slower, more intentional, less performative and honestly MORE FUN!

People over 40 are exploring intimacy and loving it.

How to Rebuild Arousal and Sexual Connection After 40

If you want sex but don’t feel aroused, the solution is slowing down.

Rebuilding begins outside intercourse. It might look like:

Longer, pressure-free touch – taking time to explore your own and/or your partner’s body to rediscover pleasure zones you never realised including having an orgasm with no touch at all

Taking penetration off the table temporarily – this is not the pinnacle sex act…I wonder what options you’ll discover when you take penile-vaginal intercourse away

Exploring different types of stimulation – textures, pressure, temperatures, and locations

Using lubricant early, not as an afterthought

Reconnecting with self-pleasure without performance pressure – rediscover what and how your body responds. Arousal pathways change, sensitivity shifts, rhythm and pressure preferences evolve. Embrace the feels further with a Love My Feels vibrator (use code: vanessa10 for 10% off)

Nearly half of midlife women report challenges with sexuality, yet most assume they’re alone in it. You’re not.

This stage of life can absolutely include satisfying, connected, pleasurable sex. But it often requires curiosity instead of criticism, education instead of endurance, and support instead of shame.

Contact me to discuss how personalised support can help you live your best life after 40!

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Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

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The post When You Want Sex But Don’t Feel Aroused After 40 appeared first on Authentic Awareness.

Why So Many Women Over 40 Pretend They’re ‘Fine’ With Less Sex

Vanessa Tarfon — Sun, 01 Mar 2026 00:02:41 +0000

Why So Many Women Over 40 Pretend They’re ‘Fine’ With Less Sex

Vanessa Tarfon

1 Feb 2026 – 4 min read

“I’m fine.”

It’s a sentence many women over 40 use when they’ve stopped asking for more. Not because their sexual desire has disappeared, but because they no longer believe it’s allowed.

In my work as a Sex Therapist, I hear this all the time. Women who still want sex, connection and pleasure. But after months or years of trying to talk, compromise, initiate, or explain, they eventually give up and tell themselves this is just how midlife intimacy looks.

This isn’t low libido. It’s unmet desire.

And it’s far more common than most people realise.

Women Over 40 Aren’t Losing Desire, They’re Losing Permission

We talk a lot about declining libido during perimenopause and menopause, and for some women, that’s absolutely real. But there’s another story that rarely gets airtime.

Many women over 40 experience:

The same level of sexual desire, or
An increase in desire, or
A deeper craving for intimacy, pleasure, and embodiment

At the same time, their male partner’s desire often drops.

This creates a desire discrepancy in relationships, which can feel confusing and destabilising, especially when it’s the opposite of what the couple has known for decades!

Many women quietly search:

“Why doesn’t my partner want sex anymore?”
“Is he not attracted to me?”

And too often, they internalise the answer.

Why Midlife Is Actually a Time of Sexual Liberation for Women

I’ll keep saying this until all women believe it: your 40s and beyond can be your most sexually liberated years.

Here’s why.

1. Confidence and self-acceptance grow

Many women feel more grounded in who they are, more comfortable in their bodies, and clearer about what feels good. They’re less interested in performing and more interested in authenticity.

2. Prioritisation shifts

After decades of caring for others, many women reach a point where pleasure is no longer optional. Time is precious and anything that isn’t nourishing starts to feel negotiable.

3. Pregnancy fear disappears

When the menstrual cycle ceases, many women feel safer letting go during sex. There’s no fear of unintended pregnancy, which can dramatically increase arousal and relaxation.

Yet just as women step into this phase, many men encounter sexual changes they were never prepared for.

What Men Are Often Struggling With (In Silence)

Midlife brings real changes for men, including:

Increased erectile difficulties
Testosterone levels that may now be clinically low
Changes in body composition and genital appearance
Performance anxiety and fear of “it not working”

The difference? Women are far more likely to seek medical or therapeutic support. Men often aren’t.

Many men feel ashamed, inadequate, or embarrassed and instead of talking about it, they withdraw. This can leave both partners feeling lonely, rejected, and unsure how to move forward.

The Hidden Cost of Pretending You’re ‘Fine’

Because penetrative intercourse is still socially positioned as the “main event” of sex, many couples unconsciously prioritise finishing over pleasure.

When erections are unreliable or anxiety is high, sex may end quickly. Many women respond by making themselves smaller.

They stop asking for oral sex, guiding hands, and advocating for their orgasm.

Research and clinical experience consistently show that women are far less likely to orgasm from penetrative sex alone, yet many stop asking for additional stimulation to protect their partner’s confidence.

They say, “It’s okay, I’m fine.”

But emotionally, the cost is high:

Resentment builds
Desire shuts down
Erotic identity fades
Emotional distance grows

This is how women end up sexually lonely inside otherwise loving relationships.

Shame, Judgment, and the Fear of Being “Too Much”

Another reason women hide their sexual desires is fear of judgment.

Words like “cougar”, slut-shaming, and the belief that women over 40 shouldn’t want sex still shape how women see themselves. Society tells women that curiosity, toys, exploration, or erotic growth belong to the youth.

So many women think:

Why would I want more now?
What will people think?
Is something wrong with me?

There isn’t!

This Isn’t Low Libido - It’s Suppressed Desire

It’s important to name this clearly:

This is not a lack of desire. It’s desire without permission.

Desire without space.

Desire without language.

Desire without safety.

Reclaiming pleasure doesn’t mean blaming your partner or demanding perfection. It starts with honesty (with yourself first).

What do you want?
What have you stopped asking for?
What would pleasure look like if you didn’t minimise it?

From there, real communication and shared responsibility can begin.

Common Questions About Sex After 40

Is it normal to want more sex after 40?

Yes. Many women experience increased desire due to confidence, body awareness, and reduced pregnancy anxiety.

Why do I feel guilty asking for more pleasure?

Because many women were socialised to prioritise harmony over honesty, especially in intimate relationships.

What if my partner feels threatened by my desire?

This is common and workable, but silence isn’t the solution. Education, communication, and shared care matter.

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Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

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The post Why So Many Women Over 40 Pretend They’re ‘Fine’ With Less Sex appeared first on Authentic Awareness.

Desire Discrepancy in Midlife Relationships: What’s the Problem and What’s the Fix?

Vanessa Tarfon — Tue, 01 Jul 2025 00:04:15 +0000

Desire Discrepancy in Midlife Relationships: What’s the Problem and What’s the Fix?

Vanessa Tarfon

1 Jul 2025 – 4 min read

It starts with a subtle shift, a quiet withdrawal. One partner feels it more than the other. One wants more sex, the other wants less, or none at all. Eventually, it becomes hard to ignore: the desire discrepancy.

Desire mismatch in relationships is incredibly common, especially in long-term or midlife relationships. But when the gap gets too wide, it doesn’t just affect your sex life, it begins to erode emotional closeness, confidence, and even the foundation of your connection.

So what’s really going on when you and your partner want different things in bed? And more importantly, how do you fix it before resentment replaces romance?

Let’s break it down.

First, clear the desire confusion: this isn’t about blame

The blame game starts early because sexual activity and frequency in a relationship is often ruled by the lower-desire partner.

Desire differences aren’t a sign that someone is broken or selfish. They’re a signal. A message that there’s something under the surface that needs attention. It could be physical, emotional, relational, or even cultural.

Too often, we turn desire gaps into accusations that case harm:

“She never wants sex anymore.”
“He’s constantly pressuring me.”
“He doesn’t find me attractive anymore.”

But here’s the truth: the issue may not be about you at all. Your partner could be dealing with stress, grief, hormonal changes, medication side effects, trauma, fatigue, or even shame from past experiences. And unless we create space for open, honest communication, you will never understand what’s actually happening.

Start with a courageous conversation

Desire discrepancy rarely resolves itself in silence. You need to talk and listen.

That doesn’t mean grilling your partner or trying to “fix” them, because it also may be a “couple issue” not a “them issue”. It means showing up with curiosity and compassion. Try asking:

“How do you feel about our sex life right now?”
“Is there anything you need that you’re not getting?”
“What would help you feel more connected to me sexually or emotionally?”

And be willing to answer those same questions yourself. You might be surprised by what comes up when both partners feel safe to tell the truth.

This isn’t a one-time conversation. It’s an ongoing dialogue that yes may feel awkward at first. What matters is that you’re choosing to lean in, not away.

Expand your definition of intimacy

When people say they don’t desire sex, sometimes what they mean is:

“I don’t desire that kind of sex.”

Routine, rushed, performative sex, especially when it’s been the same for years, can lead to sexual boredom, a common issue in midlife. No wonder someone checks out – no one wants that!

Pressure to orgasm, scripts that haven’t changed in 20 years, or sex that’s all about giving instead of receiving? That’s not exciting, it’s exhausting.

So here’s the big question:

Are you having sex that’s genuinely fun, playful, interesting and satisfying?

If not, the fix might not be about having more sex, it’s having different sex.

Try redefining intimacy to include sensual touch, shared fantasies, mutual exploration, extended foreplay, massage, or even just cuddling with no agenda. Focus on connection, pleasure, and play, not performance or frequency.

Why Midlife Often Brings a Desire Discrepancy

Hormonal shifts can all impact libido. But that’s not the full story. In midlife, life gets full: career pressures, parenting teens or caring for ageing parents, chronic stress, and body image changes all come into play.

Desire doesn’t vanish overnight. It gets buried under the weight of “doing it all” and forgetting to tend to your own pleasure and connection.

Look beyond the bedroom

Sometimes, desire doesn’t fade because of what’s happening in bed, but because of what’s happening outside of it.

Are you showing affection during the day, not just at night?
Are you spending time together without screens, responsibilities, or distractions?
Are you treating each other with kindness and appreciation or do you only connect when you’re fighting or negotiating chores?

Emotional intimacy is the soil where sexual desire grows. Without it, even the hottest moves won’t land, especially for women. Rebuild connection in the everyday moments: talk about your dreams, laugh together, flirt, touch, send a cheeky text. It all counts.

A note for the lower-desire partner

If you’re the one with less desire right now, you might feel guilt, confusion, or even fear. You may worry your partner will leave, or that something is wrong with you.

Take a breath. You’re not broken.

Your body might be protecting you from stress, burnout, or unfulfilling intimacy. You might need new kinds of stimulation, or you might simply need rest.

Instead of forcing yourself to perform, try exploring your own pleasure solo or with your partner. Reconnect with your body in ways that feel nourishing. And if you’re unsure where to start, there are therapists and educators (like me!) who can help you find your way back without shame.

The fix is intimacy, not obligation

When the desire gap feels too wide, it can be tempting to give up or power through. But neither leads to long-term connection.

The real solution is slowing down, tuning in, and expanding your understanding of what sex and intimacy can look like. Get curious. Communicate honestly. Create new definitions of connection that work for both of you.

Your relationship and your sex life don’t need to look like anyone else’s. But you both deserve to feel wanted, understood, and excited again.

And that starts with one brave conversation.

Want support closing your desire gap?

Join Sensual Spark, my self-paced course for couples navigating desire mismatch, low libido, or sexual disconnection in midlife. Rediscover intimacy, communication, and pleasure that make you both feel alive without pressure or shame.

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Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

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The post Desire Discrepancy in Midlife Relationships: What’s the Problem and What’s the Fix? appeared first on Authentic Awareness.

Can’t Orgasm During Perimenopause or Menopause? Why and What Actually Helps

Vanessa Tarfon — Sun, 01 Jun 2025 00:02:43 +0000

Can’t Orgasm During Perimenopause or Menopause? Why and What Actually Helps

Vanessa Tarfon

1 Jun 2025 – 4 min read

That Frustration When You Just Can’t Get There…

Argh, that feeling when you’re climbing the orgasm mountain, doing “all the right things,” maybe even enjoying the moment…but the peak? Flatline. If you’ve ever felt like orgasm is something just out of reach, especially in perimenopause or menopause, you are so not alone. And more importantly, you’re not broken.

This isn’t just in your head. It’s a real and common experience with real solutions.

What Is Anorgasmia?

Anorgasmia is an umbrella term referring to persistent difficulty or inability to reach orgasm despite adequate stimulation and arousal. It can show up suddenly in midlife or be a lifelong experience. While many women are told “you just need to relax” or “you’ll grow out of it,” the truth is far more layered, especially during hormonal transitions like perimenopause and menopause.

Orgasm Is More Than a Button to Push

Let’s begin here: orgasm is not a performance goal or proof you’re “good at sex.” It’s a physiological, emotional, and psychological experience. Sometimes it’s all three, and sometimes it’s just one. When orgasm stops happening or has never happened, it’s not about “trying harder.” It’s a signal.

When the Body Sends the Signal

Your body may be speaking through:

Hormonal changes in perimenopause or menopause, impacting blood flow, nerve sensitivity, and lubrication.
Side effects from medications like antidepressants, which can blunt sexual sensation.
Health conditions such as diabetes, multiple sclerosis, or pelvic floor dysfunction, which can interfere with orgasmic response.

Many women report weaker orgasms after 40, a sudden drop in sensitivity, or the sense that orgasm just disappeared, and yet these physical changes are often ignored or dismissed.

When the Relationship Sends the Signal

If you feel emotionally disconnected from your partner, resentful, or unable to fully relax, your nervous system won’t feel safe enough to access deep pleasure. Your body is doing what it’s wired to do: protect you. Not surrender.

If you’re stuck in people-pleasing, performing, or “just getting it over with,” climax may stay out of reach, not because you’re broken, but because your body is prioritising safety over sensation.

When the Past Blocks the Present

Sexual shame, trauma, and early messages around sex (“Don’t do it or you’ll get pregnant!” or “Good girls don’t touch themselves”) leave deep imprints. Possibly affecting your nervous system and inability to accept pleasurable sensations at all.

If you weren’t taught that pleasure is for you, or never had space to explore what truly turns you on, it makes perfect sense that your body might still be holding back.

The Myth of the “Normal” Orgasm

There is no one way to orgasm, and no one “right” way it should feel. Some women climax through clitoral stimulation, others need internal touch, emotional safety, fantasy, movement or a mix of it all. Sometimes it’s a short, sharp release. Other times, it’s slow waves across the body.

Midlife orgasms often evolve. And that’s not a flaw, it’s an opportunity for reconnection.

Tools for Healing and Reclaiming Pleasure

If orgasm feels unreachable or different now that you’re in perimenopause or menopause, here’s where I often begin with the women I support:

1. Get Curious About Your Context

Instead of hyper-focusing on your technique, ask:

“What’s happening in my life, mind, and body when I’m trying to feel pleasure?”

Are you anxious? Exhausted? Disconnected from your partner or yourself? Your context matters more than your technique. Especially in midlife, when sex often becomes emotionally and hormonally complex.

2. Ditch the Goal

Instead of aiming for climax, let pleasure be your compass. What would a “3 out of 10” feel like on the orgasm scale? Gentle warmth? A slight flutter? Pleasure builds when there’s less pressure.

3. Reconnect with Solo Pleasure

Self-pleasure gives you space to explore without performance. Try:

External stimulation without a vibrator
Deep breathing and sensual touch
Simply placing your hand on your vulva and noticing sensation

It’s not about chasing orgasm. It’s about inviting sensation back on your own terms.

4. Seek Support

Working with a Sex Therapist can help you explore shame, build safety in your nervous system, and reconnect with your desires gently, and with compassion. You do not have to figure this out alone.

5. Talk to your Doctor (Bring Data!)

If you’re on medications, navigating menopause, or have chronic conditions, speak to a menopause-literate GP. Ask about:

Hormonal options (like vaginal oestrogen or testosterone)
Pelvic floor therapy
Sexual side effects from medications
Referrals to allied health professionals

When pleasure feels muted, it might be a signal your midlife body needs different support.

You Deserve More Than a “Functional” Sex Life

Orgasm isn’t the only measure of good sex, but pleasure is your birth right. Even if it’s been years. Even if you’ve never climaxed. Even if menopause changed everything.

You’re allowed to feel fully alive in your body and it’s never too late to begin again.

Orgasm and Menopause FAQ

Why can’t I orgasm during perimenopause?

Oestrogen and testosterone decline can reduce blood flow and nerve sensitivity, along with genitourinary changes, making orgasm more difficult. Stress, sleep changes, and emotional shifts also affect desire and arousal. It’s common but it is all treatable.

Is it normal to have weaker orgasms after 40 or after menopause?

Yes. Many women experience shorter, less intense orgasms or trouble climaxing at all. That doesn’t mean your pleasure is over, just that your body may need different kinds of touch, connection, or support. This is the time to take control of your sexual liberation!

Can hormone therapy help with orgasm problems?

In some cases, yes. Hormone therapies like vaginal oestrogen or testosterone (Androfeme) can improve arousal, lubrication, and sensitivity. Always speak to a healthcare provider who understands midlife sexual wellness.

Share this post

Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

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The post Can’t Orgasm During Perimenopause or Menopause? Why and What Actually Helps appeared first on Authentic Awareness.

Embracing Sex After 50: Navigating Libido, Confidence, and Pleasure During Menopause

Vanessa Tarfon — Sat, 01 Jun 2024 00:16:24 +0000

Embracing Sex After 50: Navigating Libido, Confidence, and Pleasure During Menopause

Vanessa Tarfon

1 Jun 2024 – 3 min read

Sexual intimacy, pleasure, and libido don’t take a backseat after 50 or during menopause. It’s a time of change, sure, but it’s also an opportunity for rediscovery and embracing your sexuality with confidence. Let’s dive into how you can navigate the ups and downs of libido, confidence, and pleasure during this stage of life.

Rediscovering Sexual Desire After 50

Finding your desire again after 50 or during menopause can feel like a daunting journey. Hormonal shifts and major life changes can throw things off balance, with 68% of Australian women experiencing low libido during menopause. 38% of menopausal women’s partners say their intimacy and relationship have been affected by the woman’s low libido.

But hey, it’s not all doom and gloom! With a bit of patience, a mindset shift, and some self-compassion, you can reignite that flame of desire.

So, where do we begin this journey of sexual rediscovery?

Positive Mindset Shift

Let’s reframe menopause as a time of sexual liberation! No more worrying about unwanted pregnancies or timing around your menstrual cycle. It’s your time to explore and show the world your authentic self, living life on your terms. And for partners out there, emotionally supporting your loved one through these changes will work wonders for your sexual relationship.

Cultivating Confidence

Confidence is key when it comes to embracing sex and intimacy after 50 or during menopause.

First, let’s engage in daily positive sexual self-talk. This involves promoting a mindset to embrace your sexuality as a natural and beautiful aspect of who you are, regardless of age or circumstance. Performed naked in front of the mirror, remind yourself daily of your inherent worthiness of pleasure and intimacy.

Next, write a sexual statement. A brief declaration of who you are as a sexual being, what you deserve, and what you’re willing to give and receive. Read it out loud to yourself at least three times a day. Trust me, it works wonders for reinforcing your confidence and self-worth.

Reconnecting Through Self-Pleasure

Self-pleasure is fundamental to rediscovering sex and intimacy after 50 or during menopause. Take time to reconnect with your body, exploring what feels good and how it responds to different sensations. This isn’t just about physical pleasure. It’s about reclaiming ownership of your body and desires and empowering you to communicate your needs and preferences with confidence to a partner.

Navigating Intimate Relationships

Dating and finding intimate partners after 50 or during menopause can be intimidating, but confidence and assertiveness are attractive qualities at any age. Most partners appreciate someone who can articulate their needs because they want to cherish you sexually. By speaking up about your desires and boundaries in the bedroom, you can foster open communication and prioritise your pleasure.

Embracing Sex Toys

Sex toys aren’t just for the younger crowd. They can be valuable tools for enhancing pleasure and intimacy after 50 or during menopause, especially if you’re navigating changes in libido or experiencing physical limitations. From vibrators to massage oils, there’s a wide range of options tailored to your needs and preferences. Don’t be afraid to explore and experiment until you find what works best for you.

Embracing intimacy after 50 or during menopause is a journey. One that requires patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to embrace change. By shifting your mindset, cultivating confidence and reconnecting with yourself you can reignite the flame of your sexuality and embrace a fulfilling and pleasurable life, regardless of age. So, remember, the best is yet to come. Embrace the journey!

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Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

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The post Embracing Sex After 50: Navigating Libido, Confidence, and Pleasure During Menopause appeared first on Authentic Awareness.

Menopause and Sex: Expectations and how to entice your intimacy back to life

Vanessa Tarfon — Mon, 01 Apr 2024 00:02:13 +0000

Menopause and Sex: Expectations and how to entice your intimacy back to life

Vanessa Tarfon

1 Apr 2024 – 4 min read

If you thought menopause was an old woman’s problem you’d never experience then think again. This denial and the secretive conversations about menopause have left everyone unprepared for midlife health. And I mean everyone, including women transitioning through menopause and their partners.

Even less is spoken about menopause and sexual health so it’s time to break the taboo.

When does menopause start?

Women can start the menopause transition at any age but it is most common to start in your mid-40s. The average age in industrialised countries is 47.5 years old and in Australia, the mean age for menopause is 51.3 years old.

The drop in oestradiol (oestrogen) is responsible for many of the symptoms below. Testosterone starts reducing from your mid-20s so it doesn’t cause a sudden decline in your sexual health.

Menopause symptoms that affect sexual health

Not all women experience the same symptoms or severity of symptoms which makes your transition and treatment individual. Given that sexuality is individual, your sexual health and functioning will be affected differently.

Psychological symptoms

Mood swings
Anger
Low libido/difficulty reaching orgasm
Identity crisis “feeling old”
Fogginess

These symptoms negatively impact overall confidence and self-image, sexual desire and relationship connection.

Physical/somatic symptoms

Pelvic floor weakness
Incontinence
Prolapse
Vaginal dryness
Vagina and vulva tissue thinning and loss of fatty tissue
Vaginal canal shortening

Hot flushes
Night sweats
Sleeping disorders
Muscle and joint pain
Sore breasts
Abdominal weight gain

These symptoms negatively impact body image, overall sense of wellbeing, and sexual functioning such as lubrication causing sexual pain and discomfort.

69% of menopausal women experience sexual problems around the world.

These symptoms can reduce sexual desire, increase arousal issues and difficulty to orgasm and cause painful sex.

Menopause symptoms are not the only reason for sexuality changes during this time. In this phase of life, women face life changes and psychosocial factors that negatively impact their sex lives.

Menopause impacts on relationships

Sexual activity decline – predominantly sexual activity frequency reduces. When it remains the same, often this is because the woman feels obliged to continue having sex but doesn’t desire sex. An ingrained sense of giving their partner what they “need” and prioritising male sexual pleasure.
Sexual satisfaction decreases – due to stress response activation and pain, sex becomes a chore that women bear through reducing their pleasure.
Communication issues – people lack the vocabulary to talk about sexual concerns with current or new partners. Sexual problems go in conjunction with communication decline. This is hard for single women who are experiencing menopause but want to shift a new relationship into a sexual relationship and face inadequacy fears like “Do I remember what to do?”
Relationship disconnection and commitment concerns – people drift apart navigating their hobbies, interests and needs alone. Resentment increases from anger and disappointment at their partner or current situation. If left unresolved it can lead to a decline in relationship commitment.

3 easy steps to navigate your sex life through menopause

Stay active

The International Menopause Society recommends 150 minutes of physical activity weekly through menopause. There are strong links between physical activity and reduced sexual problems. Staying active will support your mental, physical and sexual health through the release of endorphins. There is also a link between orgasm frequency and sexual activity frequency.

More physical activity = more sexual activity = increased pleasure.

Body image work

Positive self-messaging and sensual self-massages are important ways to accept your body and ensure your nerves continue to activate to pleasurable touch. If you don’t like yourself and want to touch yourself, it’s hard to be vulnerable in front of someone else. Contact me directly for more instructions.

Communication

If you’re in a relationship, don’t think you are the only one affected by age. Men also experience age-related sexual health changes. For example, increasing erectile dysfunction, reduction in morning erections and lower libido.

You and your partner must communicate about your sexual health because a decline in your sex life could likely be because you are BOTH experiencing changes and feeling embarrassed.

If you’re in a new relationship or dating, contact me today for the best way to access your inner sensual tiger and comfortably open up to new partners.

Menopause, sex and ageing education is limited, but this phase of life doesn’t need to be as daunting as it seems! It can be the best sexual time of your life! Contact me to receive more information on maintaining a healthy and exciting sex life now and into the future.

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Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

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How to navigate your sex life through perimenopause after kids

Vanessa Tarfon — Sat, 02 Sep 2023 02:48:08 +0000

How to navigate your sex life through perimenopause after kids

September 2, 2023
Posted by: Vanessa Tarfon
Category: Desire , Intimacy , Relationship , Self image , Sensual Self , Sex ,

No Comments

I write and speak extensively about postpartum sexual health concerns, but what happens when we start to head into perimenopause territory? Are we missing signs because our body and mind haven’t recovered after having kids before we start perimenopause?

I, like many people, chose to have children later in life after enjoying my youthful 20s. After a recent discussion with some girlfriends I realised that as I’m heading towards a new decade next year, menopause is no longer my mum’s generation’s problem! My friends’ conversations are already starting to hint at perimenopausal symptoms!

How do you know if your lack of libido is postpartum-related or perimenopause?

In Australia, in 2021 the average first-time mother was 29 years old, and 38% of all mothers having babies were between 30 and 34 years old. Maternal age has consistently been rising.

Women can start perimenopause at any age but it is most common to start in your mid-40s.

Realistically, if you are 32 years old when you have your baby and you do NOTHING about improving your sexual health and relationship, the average time to see postpartum improvements is 10 years. This means you are 42 years old when you start to feel sexually and romantically revived. You’ve got about 5 years until things potentially start on a downward track again!

Perimenopause and menopause symptoms

Here’s what to expect as you transition to perimenopause and menopause. If you’re a mum how many of these look familiar?!

Psychological symptoms

Mood swings
Anger
Low libido/difficulty reaching orgasm
Difficulty accepting current health state

These symptoms negatively impact overall confidence and self-image (including “feeling old”), sexual desire and relationship connection.

Physical/somatic symptoms

Pelvic floor weakness
Incontinence
Prolapse
Vaginal dryness
Vaginal tissue thinning and size
Hot flashes
Night sweats
Sleeping disorders
Muscle and joint pain
Sore breasts
Weight gain

These symptoms negatively impact body image, overall sense of wellbeing, and sexual functioning such as lubrication causing sexual pain and discomfort.

69% of menopausal women experience sexual problems around the world.

If you are a mum struggling with these symptoms through postpartum and haven’t started perimenopause, join the Mama’s Sensual Safari now and start making changes early.

3 easy steps to navigate your sex life through perimenopause and menopause

Stay active

There is a link between more physical activity and less sexual problems so staying active is important for your mental, physical and sexual health. Sexually there is also a link between orgasm frequency and sexual activity frequency so the more you stay sexually active the more your body will respond to pleasure

Communication

If you’re in a relationship, don’t think that you are the only one affected by age. Men also experience age-related sexual health changes. For example, increasing erectile dysfunction, reduction in morning erections and lower libido. It’s not unusual for men to NEED to ejaculate and release their semen as their body produces more and needs to rid itself of the old. As men age this need for the body to rid itself of the “old” reduces.

You and your partner must communicate about your sexual health because a decline in your sex life could likely be because you are BOTH experiencing changes but are BOTH too embarrassed to discuss it.

Body image work

Positive self-messaging and sensual self-massages are important ways to accept your body and its changes and ensure your nerves continue to activate to pleasurable touch. Contact me directly for more instructions.

Men and women lack adequate sex education to understand their bodies as they age, let alone educate them on the opposite sex. Contact me, or a health professional and get the information you need to help maintain a healthy sex life now and into the future.

Author: Vanessa Tarfon

The post How to navigate your sex life through perimenopause after kids appeared first on Authentic Awareness.

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