painful sex Archives - Authentic Awareness

When You Want Sex But Don’t Feel Aroused After 40

Vanessa Tarfon — Fri, 01 May 2026 00:02:03 +0000

When You Want Sex But Don’t Feel Aroused After 40

Vanessa Tarfon

1 May 2026 – 3 min read

You love your partner, you miss intimacy, you even think “yes, I’d like to feel close tonight”, and then when things begin to heat up in the bedroom your body just doesn’t respond!

Sometimes it looks like no lubrication, no swelling or building heat or goosebumps. Other times, it feels like all these things are happening but then just plateau, and you can’t work out what happened. Why did your body stop its climb half-way up the orgasm mountain?

It can be deeply confusing because your mind is onboard, but your body isn’t.

Let’s talk about why this arousal disconnect happens in perimenopause and menopause, and what you can actually do about it.

Why You Can Want Sex But Not Feel Aroused After 40

After 40, your hormonal landscape changes.

Oestrogen begins to fluctuate and gradually decline during perimenopause and menopause. Testosterone shifts too, and yes women need testosterone for sexual desire and arousal. Vaginal tissue may become thinner and less elastic. Natural lubrication often takes longer.

Still have regular periods? Click here for find out how your cycle affects desire and arousal no matter your age.

In your 20s and early 30s, arousal may have felt spontaneous (and yes, I mean FELT spontaneous but doesn’t mean it WAS spontaneous). You could think about sex and your body would follow quickly.

In midlife, arousal often becomes slower and more conditional. This doesn’t mean you have low libido. It means your body requires more time, stimulation and safety.

Layer on the mental load most midlife women carry – careers, ageing parents, teenagers, relationship dynamics, sleep disruption, and stress – and your nervous system is rarely in a relaxed state. Arousal requires a parasympathetic (calm) nervous system. Stress shuts it down.

Notice how you have less patience generally after 40? Yep, that applies during sex and intimacy too! You want it to be worth it, otherwise…what’s the point?!

Sexual desire or libido is your brain saying “yes I want to act and have sex”, arousal is your body responding to this and making changes (most internal) to create a comfortable environment for pleasure and orgasm to occur

Menopause, Vaginal Dryness and Pain During Sex

If sex has become uncomfortable (even mildly) your body will remember.

Pain or discomfort during sex after 40 is extremely common due to declining oestrogen affecting vulval and vaginal tissue. Dryness, tearing, stinging, or deeper discomfort can lead to tension.

Even if your mind wants intimacy, your body may tense in anticipation. This tension reduces lubrication further and reinforces discomfort, which causes avoidance.

This cycle is incredibly common in menopause and sex conversations, but it is reversible with the right support.

Physically, using lubricant consistently (without shame), exploring vaginal moisturisers, discussing local oestrogen with a trusted GP can make a profound difference.

But equally important is building emotional safety.

The Emotional Impact of Low Libido and Arousal Changes: Shame and Self-Blame

What makes the arousal disconnect so painful is the meaning women attach to it.

“I should want this more.”
“I’m failing my partner.”
“Maybe I’m just not sexual anymore.”

Midlife women were rarely educated about perimenopause sexual changes. So when the body shifts, it feels like a personal flaw instead of a developmental stage.

Sexuality at 45 is not meant to look like sexuality at 28.

It can be deeper, slower, more intentional, less performative and honestly MORE FUN!

People over 40 are exploring intimacy and loving it.

How to Rebuild Arousal and Sexual Connection After 40

If you want sex but don’t feel aroused, the solution is slowing down.

Rebuilding begins outside intercourse. It might look like:

Longer, pressure-free touch – taking time to explore your own and/or your partner’s body to rediscover pleasure zones you never realised including having an orgasm with no touch at all

Taking penetration off the table temporarily – this is not the pinnacle sex act…I wonder what options you’ll discover when you take penile-vaginal intercourse away

Exploring different types of stimulation – textures, pressure, temperatures, and locations

Using lubricant early, not as an afterthought

Reconnecting with self-pleasure without performance pressure – rediscover what and how your body responds. Arousal pathways change, sensitivity shifts, rhythm and pressure preferences evolve. Embrace the feels further with a Love My Feels vibrator (use code: vanessa10 for 10% off)

Nearly half of midlife women report challenges with sexuality, yet most assume they’re alone in it. You’re not.

This stage of life can absolutely include satisfying, connected, pleasurable sex. But it often requires curiosity instead of criticism, education instead of endurance, and support instead of shame.

Contact me to discuss how personalised support can help you live your best life after 40!

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Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

Embracing Sex After 50: Navigating Libido, Confidence, and Pleasure During Menopause

Sexual intimacy, pleasure and libido don’t expire after 50 or during menopause. Here’s how you can navigate low libido, confidence, and pleasure.

How to break out of a sexless relationship and revive intimacy

You’re in a sexless relationship and you don’t know how to get out of it? Find out here exactly how to get out of your sex slump!

Beginner’s Guide to Self-Pleasure for Women Over 35: It’s Not Too Late

A gentle, shame-free guide for women exploring their bodies and pleasure for the first time or in a long time, especially after 35.

The post When You Want Sex But Don’t Feel Aroused After 40 appeared first on Authentic Awareness.

Desire Discrepancy in Midlife Relationships: What’s the Problem and What’s the Fix?

Vanessa Tarfon — Tue, 01 Jul 2025 00:04:15 +0000

Desire Discrepancy in Midlife Relationships: What’s the Problem and What’s the Fix?

Vanessa Tarfon

1 Jul 2025 – 4 min read

It starts with a subtle shift, a quiet withdrawal. One partner feels it more than the other. One wants more sex, the other wants less, or none at all. Eventually, it becomes hard to ignore: the desire discrepancy.

Desire mismatch in relationships is incredibly common, especially in long-term or midlife relationships. But when the gap gets too wide, it doesn’t just affect your sex life, it begins to erode emotional closeness, confidence, and even the foundation of your connection.

So what’s really going on when you and your partner want different things in bed? And more importantly, how do you fix it before resentment replaces romance?

Let’s break it down.

First, clear the desire confusion: this isn’t about blame

The blame game starts early because sexual activity and frequency in a relationship is often ruled by the lower-desire partner.

Desire differences aren’t a sign that someone is broken or selfish. They’re a signal. A message that there’s something under the surface that needs attention. It could be physical, emotional, relational, or even cultural.

Too often, we turn desire gaps into accusations that case harm:

“She never wants sex anymore.”
“He’s constantly pressuring me.”
“He doesn’t find me attractive anymore.”

But here’s the truth: the issue may not be about you at all. Your partner could be dealing with stress, grief, hormonal changes, medication side effects, trauma, fatigue, or even shame from past experiences. And unless we create space for open, honest communication, you will never understand what’s actually happening.

Start with a courageous conversation

Desire discrepancy rarely resolves itself in silence. You need to talk and listen.

That doesn’t mean grilling your partner or trying to “fix” them, because it also may be a “couple issue” not a “them issue”. It means showing up with curiosity and compassion. Try asking:

“How do you feel about our sex life right now?”
“Is there anything you need that you’re not getting?”
“What would help you feel more connected to me sexually or emotionally?”

And be willing to answer those same questions yourself. You might be surprised by what comes up when both partners feel safe to tell the truth.

This isn’t a one-time conversation. It’s an ongoing dialogue that yes may feel awkward at first. What matters is that you’re choosing to lean in, not away.

Expand your definition of intimacy

When people say they don’t desire sex, sometimes what they mean is:

“I don’t desire that kind of sex.”

Routine, rushed, performative sex, especially when it’s been the same for years, can lead to sexual boredom, a common issue in midlife. No wonder someone checks out – no one wants that!

Pressure to orgasm, scripts that haven’t changed in 20 years, or sex that’s all about giving instead of receiving? That’s not exciting, it’s exhausting.

So here’s the big question:

Are you having sex that’s genuinely fun, playful, interesting and satisfying?

If not, the fix might not be about having more sex, it’s having different sex.

Try redefining intimacy to include sensual touch, shared fantasies, mutual exploration, extended foreplay, massage, or even just cuddling with no agenda. Focus on connection, pleasure, and play, not performance or frequency.

Why Midlife Often Brings a Desire Discrepancy

Hormonal shifts can all impact libido. But that’s not the full story. In midlife, life gets full: career pressures, parenting teens or caring for ageing parents, chronic stress, and body image changes all come into play.

Desire doesn’t vanish overnight. It gets buried under the weight of “doing it all” and forgetting to tend to your own pleasure and connection.

Look beyond the bedroom

Sometimes, desire doesn’t fade because of what’s happening in bed, but because of what’s happening outside of it.

Are you showing affection during the day, not just at night?
Are you spending time together without screens, responsibilities, or distractions?
Are you treating each other with kindness and appreciation or do you only connect when you’re fighting or negotiating chores?

Emotional intimacy is the soil where sexual desire grows. Without it, even the hottest moves won’t land, especially for women. Rebuild connection in the everyday moments: talk about your dreams, laugh together, flirt, touch, send a cheeky text. It all counts.

A note for the lower-desire partner

If you’re the one with less desire right now, you might feel guilt, confusion, or even fear. You may worry your partner will leave, or that something is wrong with you.

Take a breath. You’re not broken.

Your body might be protecting you from stress, burnout, or unfulfilling intimacy. You might need new kinds of stimulation, or you might simply need rest.

Instead of forcing yourself to perform, try exploring your own pleasure solo or with your partner. Reconnect with your body in ways that feel nourishing. And if you’re unsure where to start, there are therapists and educators (like me!) who can help you find your way back without shame.

The fix is intimacy, not obligation

When the desire gap feels too wide, it can be tempting to give up or power through. But neither leads to long-term connection.

The real solution is slowing down, tuning in, and expanding your understanding of what sex and intimacy can look like. Get curious. Communicate honestly. Create new definitions of connection that work for both of you.

Your relationship and your sex life don’t need to look like anyone else’s. But you both deserve to feel wanted, understood, and excited again.

And that starts with one brave conversation.

Want support closing your desire gap?

Join Sensual Spark, my self-paced course for couples navigating desire mismatch, low libido, or sexual disconnection in midlife. Rediscover intimacy, communication, and pleasure that make you both feel alive without pressure or shame.

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Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

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The post Desire Discrepancy in Midlife Relationships: What’s the Problem and What’s the Fix? appeared first on Authentic Awareness.

Can’t Orgasm During Perimenopause or Menopause? Why and What Actually Helps

Vanessa Tarfon — Sun, 01 Jun 2025 00:02:43 +0000

Can’t Orgasm During Perimenopause or Menopause? Why and What Actually Helps

Vanessa Tarfon

1 Jun 2025 – 4 min read

That Frustration When You Just Can’t Get There…

Argh, that feeling when you’re climbing the orgasm mountain, doing “all the right things,” maybe even enjoying the moment…but the peak? Flatline. If you’ve ever felt like orgasm is something just out of reach, especially in perimenopause or menopause, you are so not alone. And more importantly, you’re not broken.

This isn’t just in your head. It’s a real and common experience with real solutions.

What Is Anorgasmia?

Anorgasmia is an umbrella term referring to persistent difficulty or inability to reach orgasm despite adequate stimulation and arousal. It can show up suddenly in midlife or be a lifelong experience. While many women are told “you just need to relax” or “you’ll grow out of it,” the truth is far more layered, especially during hormonal transitions like perimenopause and menopause.

Orgasm Is More Than a Button to Push

Let’s begin here: orgasm is not a performance goal or proof you’re “good at sex.” It’s a physiological, emotional, and psychological experience. Sometimes it’s all three, and sometimes it’s just one. When orgasm stops happening or has never happened, it’s not about “trying harder.” It’s a signal.

When the Body Sends the Signal

Your body may be speaking through:

Hormonal changes in perimenopause or menopause, impacting blood flow, nerve sensitivity, and lubrication.
Side effects from medications like antidepressants, which can blunt sexual sensation.
Health conditions such as diabetes, multiple sclerosis, or pelvic floor dysfunction, which can interfere with orgasmic response.

Many women report weaker orgasms after 40, a sudden drop in sensitivity, or the sense that orgasm just disappeared, and yet these physical changes are often ignored or dismissed.

When the Relationship Sends the Signal

If you feel emotionally disconnected from your partner, resentful, or unable to fully relax, your nervous system won’t feel safe enough to access deep pleasure. Your body is doing what it’s wired to do: protect you. Not surrender.

If you’re stuck in people-pleasing, performing, or “just getting it over with,” climax may stay out of reach, not because you’re broken, but because your body is prioritising safety over sensation.

When the Past Blocks the Present

Sexual shame, trauma, and early messages around sex (“Don’t do it or you’ll get pregnant!” or “Good girls don’t touch themselves”) leave deep imprints. Possibly affecting your nervous system and inability to accept pleasurable sensations at all.

If you weren’t taught that pleasure is for you, or never had space to explore what truly turns you on, it makes perfect sense that your body might still be holding back.

The Myth of the “Normal” Orgasm

There is no one way to orgasm, and no one “right” way it should feel. Some women climax through clitoral stimulation, others need internal touch, emotional safety, fantasy, movement or a mix of it all. Sometimes it’s a short, sharp release. Other times, it’s slow waves across the body.

Midlife orgasms often evolve. And that’s not a flaw, it’s an opportunity for reconnection.

Tools for Healing and Reclaiming Pleasure

If orgasm feels unreachable or different now that you’re in perimenopause or menopause, here’s where I often begin with the women I support:

1. Get Curious About Your Context

Instead of hyper-focusing on your technique, ask:

“What’s happening in my life, mind, and body when I’m trying to feel pleasure?”

Are you anxious? Exhausted? Disconnected from your partner or yourself? Your context matters more than your technique. Especially in midlife, when sex often becomes emotionally and hormonally complex.

2. Ditch the Goal

Instead of aiming for climax, let pleasure be your compass. What would a “3 out of 10” feel like on the orgasm scale? Gentle warmth? A slight flutter? Pleasure builds when there’s less pressure.

3. Reconnect with Solo Pleasure

Self-pleasure gives you space to explore without performance. Try:

External stimulation without a vibrator
Deep breathing and sensual touch
Simply placing your hand on your vulva and noticing sensation

It’s not about chasing orgasm. It’s about inviting sensation back on your own terms.

4. Seek Support

Working with a Sex Therapist can help you explore shame, build safety in your nervous system, and reconnect with your desires gently, and with compassion. You do not have to figure this out alone.

5. Talk to your Doctor (Bring Data!)

If you’re on medications, navigating menopause, or have chronic conditions, speak to a menopause-literate GP. Ask about:

Hormonal options (like vaginal oestrogen or testosterone)
Pelvic floor therapy
Sexual side effects from medications
Referrals to allied health professionals

When pleasure feels muted, it might be a signal your midlife body needs different support.

You Deserve More Than a “Functional” Sex Life

Orgasm isn’t the only measure of good sex, but pleasure is your birth right. Even if it’s been years. Even if you’ve never climaxed. Even if menopause changed everything.

You’re allowed to feel fully alive in your body and it’s never too late to begin again.

Orgasm and Menopause FAQ

Why can’t I orgasm during perimenopause?

Oestrogen and testosterone decline can reduce blood flow and nerve sensitivity, along with genitourinary changes, making orgasm more difficult. Stress, sleep changes, and emotional shifts also affect desire and arousal. It’s common but it is all treatable.

Is it normal to have weaker orgasms after 40 or after menopause?

Yes. Many women experience shorter, less intense orgasms or trouble climaxing at all. That doesn’t mean your pleasure is over, just that your body may need different kinds of touch, connection, or support. This is the time to take control of your sexual liberation!

Can hormone therapy help with orgasm problems?

In some cases, yes. Hormone therapies like vaginal oestrogen or testosterone (Androfeme) can improve arousal, lubrication, and sensitivity. Always speak to a healthcare provider who understands midlife sexual wellness.

Share this post

Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

Beginner’s Guide to Self-Pleasure for Women Over 35: It’s Not Too Late

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Menopause and Sex: Expectations and how to entice your intimacy back to life

You always thought of it as an “old woman’s issue” and now you are menopausal. What to expect and how to support your sex life through menopause

The post Can’t Orgasm During Perimenopause or Menopause? Why and What Actually Helps appeared first on Authentic Awareness.

Spice Up the Bedroom This Christmas: The Best Stocking Fillers for Every Woman

Vanessa Tarfon — Sun, 01 Dec 2024 00:02:58 +0000

Spice Up the Bedroom This Christmas: The Best Stocking Fillers for Every Woman

Vanessa Tarfon

1 Dec 2024 – 3 min read

Let’s talk stockings – every woman deserves one that’s not only exciting but also packed with goodies to make your festive season sizzle! Whether you’re looking to add a spark, deepen intimacy, or try something new, these gifts can make the holidays, and beyond, much spicier.

Ohnut – Perfect for Comfort-Enhanced Pleasure

Ever feel that extra sensitivity during deeper moments? Ohnut’s a dream for anyone needing a buffer to ease discomfort with depth, plus it’s especially beneficial if you use a pessary. You and your partner can focus on fun without worrying about feeling the pessary, making intimacy more comfortable and enjoyable.

Sway Vibrator – Ergonomics Meets Versatility

Not your typical vibrator, the Sway’s ergonomic design makes it perfect for navigating all kinds of stimulation zones (front and back, inside and out)! With its sleek feel and easy handling for any age, you’re in control wherever you want that extra touch.

Dame Fin Finger Vibrator – Pocket-Sized Power

Small yet mighty, the Dame Fin finger vibrator is perfect for solo use or adding an extra thrill while your partner is in motion because yes women commonly need clitoral stimulation at the same time as penetration to explode. This little wonder packs a punch, fitting neatly between your fingers for easy, precise stimulation.

Integrity Massage Candle – Aroma Meets Sensuality

Imagine a candle that transforms into warm massage oil—yes, please! Integrity Candles offer luxurious scents and textures, plus they’re made in Australia with quality ingredients. Light it, let it melt, and then use the oil for a sensual massage that leads to even more…

Sex Card Games – Ignite the Passion

If you’ve ever been curious about game-based intimacy, or feel stuck on what to try next, try a box of steamy sex cards! This “Box of Burning Desires” is a great mix of fun, daring, and intimacy, perfect for rekindling the flame or adding a spark.

Beginner Anal Play – Explore with Confidence

Curious but unsure where to start? An anal plug training kit like the Winyi Mark Ribbed Silicone set is an easy and safe introduction to anal play. The largest plug even vibrates for varied sensations! Always look for a T or X-shaped base to prevent mishaps and avoid an emergency room visit.

Lingerie – Dress to Impress (Yourself and Your Partner!)

Nothing says confidence like stunning lingerie. Brands like Playful Promises, Bluebella and Intimo offer styles for every body type, blending comfort with a touch of luxury. When you feel amazing in what you wear, that confidence translates straight to the bedroom.

Sex Pillow or Wedge – Boost Comfort and Exploration

Comfort is key to enjoyment! A pillow or wedge designed for intimacy, like the Liberator Jaz, can make new positions easier and more comfortable. Perfect for an evening of experimental fun without the discomfort at any age.

Radiant You: Sensual Reset Membership – Your Path to Sensual Control

This transformative journey is all about reclaiming your sensuality, reconnecting with yourself, and truly getting what you desire. Designed for every woman ready to ignite her passion, this membership gives you the tools to awaken your sensual potential.

Bonus Guide for Your Partner: Unleash Her Ecstasy

If you want your partner to join you on this journey, consider gifting them Unleash Her Ecstasy – a guide to mastering your pleasure! This practical and insightful guide will help your partner understand your desires on a whole new level.

Books – From Mild to Wild in the Spice Department

Erotica isn’t just for fun; it can inspire and empower. Giving you the confidence to communicate your desires and stimulating your body’s arousal response. Here’s a rundown of sultry reads for every taste:

Shantel Tessier’s Dark Kingdom Series: Shantel is a smut queen. For smut-level spice, start with Titan and let the fireworks begin. After this series head over to her Lord Series. Equally smutty and these 2 series start to intertwine in the last 2 Lord books.

Elodie Hart’s Alchemy Series: All spice but if you’re looking for an older leading couple, Unveil is a mature take on steamy romance, featuring a mid-30s heroine and an early-50s hero.

Sadie Kincaid’s Chicago Ruthless and Manhattan Ruthless Series: Expect passionate, intense characters that make for unputdownable reads. All Sadie’s books are well-written and worth reading.

Jodi Ellen Malpas’s Unlawful Men Series: Get ready for morally grey characters, hot scenes and forbidden attraction starting with The Brit.

W S Greer’s Novels: The man knows how to write! Written with vivid details, these books may challenge, excite, or both, depending on your taste. Start with Kingdom to see if his dark shade of romance tickles your senses.

T L Swan’s Works: Romance and spice with witty banter – guaranteed laughs and maybe a tear or two. Try The Stopover, The Bonus or My Temptation.

S.J. Tilly: Not only are her books romantic with a great level of spice thrown in but she loves to write a strong heroine that is more sexy curves than stick insect which makes her stories relatable and exciting. Have a look at the Alliance series.

This Christmas, celebrate yourself and explore a new level of intimacy! Add some of these goodies to your wishlist and get ready for a holiday season that’s bound to be memorable, both in and out of the bedroom!

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Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

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The post Spice Up the Bedroom This Christmas: The Best Stocking Fillers for Every Woman appeared first on Authentic Awareness.

Low Libido in Women: Causes and Easy Tips to Reignite Sexual Desire

Vanessa Tarfon — Fri, 01 Nov 2024 00:02:08 +0000

Low Libido in Women: Causes and Easy Tips to Reignite Sexual Desire

Vanessa Tarfon

1 Nov 2024 – 4 min read

Sexual desire, or libido, is the inner fire that drives you to explore pleasure, fantasy, and connection with yourself or a partner. When your libido is in full swing, it’s what pulls you into the thrill of intimacy and excitement. But what happens when that fire dims, leaving you feeling disconnected or uninterested in sexual activity?

The truth is, low libido is incredibly common, and the good news is – it doesn’t have to stay that way! Let’s break down some common causes and, more importantly, explore easy ways to reignite that spark.

What Can Cause Low Libido?

Low libido can be caused by a mix of physical, psychological, and social factors that impact your body, mind, and relationships. Here are some typical culprits that might be affecting your desire:

Hormones:

Menstrual cycle: PMS symptoms like bloating, cramps, mood swings, and headaches, along with where you are in your cycle, can all dampen desire.

Menopause: Decreased oestrogen leads to symptoms like hot flashes, vaginal dryness, and discomfort during sex, making intimacy less appealing. Add to that the gradual loss of testosterone that started in your 20s, and it’s no wonder you might feel less interested.

Breastfeeding: Prolactin, the hormone responsible for milk production, also tends to lower libido (plus sleep disruption and fatigue!)

Medications: Antidepressants, blood pressure medications, and even birth control can all mess with your sexual desire.

Medical Conditions:

Chronic illnesses: Spinal cord injuries, kidney failure, or conditions like endometriosis, polycystic ovaries, or pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) can directly affect sexual desire.

Painful sex: If intercourse is painful due to conditions like fibroids, prolapse, or infections (like thrush or UTIs), it’s only natural for your desire to decrease.

Psychological Factors:

Mental health: Depression, anxiety, body image issues, or unresolved feelings of guilt or resentment toward a partner can heavily impact libido.

Life transitions: Major changes like motherhood, menopause, relationship issues or career stress can make sex feel like the last thing on your mind.

Sexual Stimulation and Context: Sometimes, it’s the little things – bad lighting, awkward timing, or unrealistic expectations that can sabotage desire before it even starts.

Sex miseducation: Inadequate sexual stimulation or sexual misconceptions can lead to performance anxiety and fears reducing libido as a coping mechanism for emotional protection.

Reasons vs. Excuses: Be Honest with Yourself

Are you genuinely experiencing low libido, or is it more about avoiding intimacy for other reasons?

As motivational expert Gary Ryan Blair said, “The difference between reasons and excuses lies in the results of each…the actions that follow…the repercussions and consequences…as well as how an individual is affected by the events that cause each.”

If you’re not interested in sex, ask yourself: Is this a temporary reason, like stress or physical discomfort, or am I making excuses to avoid intimacy altogether and that little guilt monster is now sitting on your shoulder? Being honest about your feelings can help you understand what’s happening and how to move forward.

Is It Desire Discrepancy or Sexual Boredom?

Here’s another question: Is your libido truly low, or is it just not responding to the type of stimulation that excites you? For many women, desire doesn’t just appear out of nowhere, it often requires an emotional or situational buildup.

Spontaneous: This is when you suddenly feel aroused in response to sexual stimuli. About 75% of men and 15% of women experience this.
Responsive: Here, your mind and body need something sexual to respond to, creating a cycle of desire, arousal and reward. This form of desire works for about 5% of men and 30% of women.

Maybe you need more connection, affection, or even practical help around the house before feeling “in the mood.”

Alternatively, your relationship might have fallen into a rut of routine and monotony, leaving sex feeling uninspired. Recognising that boredom is the issue can be the first step in rediscovering excitement.

Good news – it’s all treatable!

How to Begin Reigniting Your Libido

Ready to reclaim your desire? Start with these powerful steps:

Talk to Your Doctor: If you’re over 40, it’s worth discussing your sexual health with a professional. Hormonal changes could be a factor but don’t jump to hormonal therapy before addressing the biopsychosocial factors mentioned above. Often a doctor and sex therapist will work collaboratively with you to reach your goals.

Communicate with Your Partner: If you’re in a relationship, open up about whether your low libido is due to desire discrepancy, genuine low libido (HSDD) or boredom. Honest conversations can create space for understanding and change. Outside the bedroom is the best place to start and programs like Sensual Spark can provide expert guidance for these discussions.

Activate Your Sensuality:

Start Small: Compliment yourself on something you love or find sexy whenever you pass a mirror. Fostering positive sexual thoughts outside of sexual activity can help shift your mindset.
Stay Connected: If you have a partner, create intimacy with simple rituals – like a kiss or hug before leaving the room.
Self-Love: Take a sexy selfie for yourself. Don’t send it, just admire it! Reconnect with your body, and if you’re feeling turned on, enjoy it! Masturbation is a great way to

Your desire is still there! It might just need the right combination of care, connection, and self-love to return to life. You’re in control of reigniting that spark, so take those first steps today!

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Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

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The post Low Libido in Women: Causes and Easy Tips to Reignite Sexual Desire appeared first on Authentic Awareness.

The Magic of Emotional Intimacy: Elevating Your Sexual Performance and Satisfaction

Vanessa Tarfon — Sun, 01 Sep 2024 00:02:33 +0000

The Magic of Emotional Intimacy: Elevating Your Sexual Performance and Satisfaction

Vanessa Tarfon

1 Aug 2024 – 4 min read

Imagine this: you’re lost in the moment, locked in a gaze with your partner. There’s a spark, a profound connection, and suddenly, everything feels more intense, more electric. This is the power of emotional intimacy at play.

Gone are the days of teaching men to suppress their emotions. Gentlemen, if you want to elevate your sexual performance and reach new levels of satisfaction and pleasure, it’s time to up your emotional game!

Maximum sexual pleasure and satisfaction happen when you feel safe enough to relax all your inhibitions, stay present in the moment, and let your body’s needs drive performance. Trust in your partner allows you to feel comfortable letting your guard down, which happens when you are emotionally connected.

You know:

They won’t laugh at you but with you.
They’ll love you no matter what happens.
They want to learn and have new experiences with you.
Their perception of you isn’t changed when something doesn’t go to plan.
They value you, your thoughts, your feelings.

Why Emotional Intimacy Matters

1. Happy Hormones: The Secret Sauce

Emotional intimacy triggers the release of happy hormones like oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin. These chemicals aren’t just feel-good, they’re feel-great! They circulate through your body, amplifying your desire and intensifying your pleasure. This hormonal cocktail doesn’t just make you feel more connected; it adds fuel to your sexual fire.

2. The Psychological Aspect: More Than Just Physical

Sex isn’t just a physical act; it’s profoundly psychological. Successful couples understand that growing together emotionally through strong communication and shared experiences enhances their sexual connection. Emotional intimacy, improved through both sexual and non-sexual interactions, strengthens this bond.

3. The Brain: The Ultimate Sex Organ

The brain is the biggest sex organ. The psychological and physical aspects of sexual desire are tightly linked. An emotional connection with your partner is a primary driver for intimacy. Feeling safe, understood, and bonded allows women to release their inhibitions and fully enjoy the experience.

Building Emotional Intimacy Before Sex

Intimacy in Relationships: Showing Love and Appreciation

Intimacy is key for bonding and expressing love and appreciation in a relationship. It distinguishes a committed relationship from other connections, making it unique and special. Feeling loved and appreciated through intimacy strengthens the overall relationship, including the sexual aspect.

Emotional intimacy doesn’t start during sex at the first physical touch. It starts hours, maybe even days, before. Women’s biggest complaint is a lack of romance in relationships that reduces their sexual desire. So, connection during romantic moments that boost your emotional intimacy and sexual desire is your first stop! Think about bringing her flowers for no reason, setting up a picnic in the backyard, or cooking her favourite meal. These are the things that will push her desire up the ladder.

Communication and Comfort: Reducing Performance Anxiety

Emotional intimacy creates a safe space to openly communicate your desires and needs. This open communication reduces performance anxiety, as you feel safer and more relaxed, leading to better sexual performance and satisfaction.

Enhancing Sexual Intimacy During Sex

Face-to-Face Positions: Windows to the Soul

Face-to-face positions are a game-changer. Many people automatically close their eyes or look away during sex, either to heighten their sensations or to retreat into their fantasies. But the real magic happens when you lock eyes with your partner and verbally communicate. Talking during sex takes many forms. Sometimes it’s dirty/nasty speak, sometimes it’s about what you see or feel, and other times it’s giving instruction. Looking at your partner gives you the best opportunity to connect, talk, and see how your words affect them.

Observing Non-Verbal Cues: Heightened Pleasure

When you’re tuned into your partner’s facial expressions and body language, it’s like tuning into a private channel of intimacy. Every smile, gasp, and quiver not only tells you that they’re enjoying themselves but also heightens your arousal because you are hitting the spot! This mutual awareness fuels a cycle of pleasure and connection, making the experience richer and more satisfying.

Take Your Time: Exploring Your Partner’s Body

Don’t rush. Enjoy the moment and take your time because women need at least 20 minutes of physical full-body exploration and foreplay before penetration. Taking the time to explore your partner’s body helps build anticipation and arousal, ensuring that both partners are fully engaged and satisfied. This full-body exploration creates a deeper emotional and physical connection, enhancing overall sexual satisfaction.

The Open-Eye Orgasm: A Deeper Connection

Yes, it’s a thing! An open-eye orgasm isn’t just a fantasy; it’s a transformative experience that bridges the gap between physical pleasure and deep emotional connection. When you maintain eye contact during sex and while your orgasm is ripping through you, you’re opening a window to your soul. This vulnerability and connection can turn a good sexual experience into an unforgettable one.

Emotional intimacy is a cornerstone of a fulfilling sexual relationship. It enhances physical pleasure, reduces anxiety, and strengthens the bond between partners. By fostering emotional intimacy, you can elevate your sexual performance and satisfaction, creating a deeper and more meaningful connection with your partner.

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Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

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Top 5 Sex Positions for Maximum Pleasure: Ultimate Guide for Men and Women

Vanessa Tarfon — Thu, 01 Aug 2024 00:03:20 +0000

Top 5 Sex Positions for Maximum Pleasure: Ultimate Guide for Men and Women

Vanessa Tarfon

1 Aug 2024 – 3 min read

What makes sex utterly irresistible? The answer is unique for everyone, but it often falls into one of these four tantalising categories:

Emotional Connection: The deep, lingering bond felt during and after sex.
Power and control: The electrifying thrill and comforting security when a partner takes the lead.
Sensory Overload: The breathtaking sensations that ripple through the entire body.
Feeling Desired: The seductive anticipation built through teasing and flirting, making you feel utterly irresistible before, during and after sex.

When Sex Positions Go Wrong

Sex positions and scenarios can go from steamy to stressful when communication breaks down. Anxiety, discomfort, or even injury can sneak in. But fear not! Keeping an open dialogue with your partner ensures both of you stay in the pleasure zone.

Did you know that doggy style is the riskiest position for men, responsible for 41% of penile fractures? The man on top position followed closely behind. As with everything medical research, research on positions causing the most injuries for women is lacking, however, surveys suggest that doggy and man-on-top are often the culprits for discomfort.

The Top 5 Sex Positions for Mind-Blowing Female Pleasure

Expert Tip: Clitoral stimulation during intercourse can skyrocket the chances of orgasm. Use a toy or your fingers for that extra spark.

Face-to-Face Woman-on-Top

She commands the depth and rhythm, making it perfect for simultaneous clitoral stimulation.

Missionary with a Pillow/Rolled-up Towel Under the Buttocks

‘This position enhances intimacy, with communication, deep eye contact and passionate kissing, along with more direct G-spot stimulation.

Face-to-Face Sitting Woman-on-Top

Full control of depth and movement, plus an emotional connection that’s off the charts thanks to manual and oral options.

Lying Dog

A gentle twist on doggy style that prevents painful back arching, keeping the pleasure rolling without hitting any uncomfortable spots like the cervix or ovaries.

Woman-on-Bottom with No Penetration

Imagine a symphony of kisses, sucks, and touches, where manual and oral full-body and genital stimulation takes her to the peak of ecstasy.

The Top 5 Sex Positions for Explosive Male Pleasure

69

The ultimate in mutual pleasure, where giving and receiving happen in perfect harmony electrifying his pleasure. Note: it’s not as pleasurable for women, but she’ll still enjoy herself.

Fellatio Female Above

Pure relaxation with an unbeatable view when his head is propped on a pillow.

Kneeling Rear Entry (Doggy Style)

Men love the view, with the added thrill of access to their partner’s rear for extra playful touches. You can also change the sensation slightly by either having your knees outside your partner’s, making their thighs squeeze together tighter, or have your knees on the inside, which allows theirs to drop open, giving you more depth.

Supine Female Above (Reverse Cowgirl)

Deep, intense, and perfect for caressing, allowing the man to lay back and enjoy.

Face-to-Face Man-on-Top

Masterful control of depth and movement, enriched by intimate communication and sensual touches. Knowing your partner is feeling pleasure heightens your own pleasure.

Sex is an exhilarating dance of giving and receiving pleasure. It’s not just physical; it’s a journey of discovery, intimacy, and connection at any age. For more sizzling tips, contact me today. And men, if you’re ready to become a master of female pleasure, grab your guide to Unleash Her Ecstasy and watch your shared delight reach new heights.

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Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

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Embracing Sex After 50: Navigating Libido, Confidence, and Pleasure During Menopause

Vanessa Tarfon — Sat, 01 Jun 2024 00:16:24 +0000

Embracing Sex After 50: Navigating Libido, Confidence, and Pleasure During Menopause

Vanessa Tarfon

1 Jun 2024 – 3 min read

Sexual intimacy, pleasure, and libido don’t take a backseat after 50 or during menopause. It’s a time of change, sure, but it’s also an opportunity for rediscovery and embracing your sexuality with confidence. Let’s dive into how you can navigate the ups and downs of libido, confidence, and pleasure during this stage of life.

Rediscovering Sexual Desire After 50

Finding your desire again after 50 or during menopause can feel like a daunting journey. Hormonal shifts and major life changes can throw things off balance, with 68% of Australian women experiencing low libido during menopause. 38% of menopausal women’s partners say their intimacy and relationship have been affected by the woman’s low libido.

But hey, it’s not all doom and gloom! With a bit of patience, a mindset shift, and some self-compassion, you can reignite that flame of desire.

So, where do we begin this journey of sexual rediscovery?

Positive Mindset Shift

Let’s reframe menopause as a time of sexual liberation! No more worrying about unwanted pregnancies or timing around your menstrual cycle. It’s your time to explore and show the world your authentic self, living life on your terms. And for partners out there, emotionally supporting your loved one through these changes will work wonders for your sexual relationship.

Cultivating Confidence

Confidence is key when it comes to embracing sex and intimacy after 50 or during menopause.

First, let’s engage in daily positive sexual self-talk. This involves promoting a mindset to embrace your sexuality as a natural and beautiful aspect of who you are, regardless of age or circumstance. Performed naked in front of the mirror, remind yourself daily of your inherent worthiness of pleasure and intimacy.

Next, write a sexual statement. A brief declaration of who you are as a sexual being, what you deserve, and what you’re willing to give and receive. Read it out loud to yourself at least three times a day. Trust me, it works wonders for reinforcing your confidence and self-worth.

Reconnecting Through Self-Pleasure

Self-pleasure is fundamental to rediscovering sex and intimacy after 50 or during menopause. Take time to reconnect with your body, exploring what feels good and how it responds to different sensations. This isn’t just about physical pleasure. It’s about reclaiming ownership of your body and desires and empowering you to communicate your needs and preferences with confidence to a partner.

Navigating Intimate Relationships

Dating and finding intimate partners after 50 or during menopause can be intimidating, but confidence and assertiveness are attractive qualities at any age. Most partners appreciate someone who can articulate their needs because they want to cherish you sexually. By speaking up about your desires and boundaries in the bedroom, you can foster open communication and prioritise your pleasure.

Embracing Sex Toys

Sex toys aren’t just for the younger crowd. They can be valuable tools for enhancing pleasure and intimacy after 50 or during menopause, especially if you’re navigating changes in libido or experiencing physical limitations. From vibrators to massage oils, there’s a wide range of options tailored to your needs and preferences. Don’t be afraid to explore and experiment until you find what works best for you.

Embracing intimacy after 50 or during menopause is a journey. One that requires patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to embrace change. By shifting your mindset, cultivating confidence and reconnecting with yourself you can reignite the flame of your sexuality and embrace a fulfilling and pleasurable life, regardless of age. So, remember, the best is yet to come. Embrace the journey!

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Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

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Unleash Your Orgasmic Partner Potential: Elevate Your Intimacy Game!

Vanessa Tarfon — Wed, 01 May 2024 00:02:36 +0000

Unleash Your Orgasmic Partner Potential: Elevate your Intimacy Game!

Vanessa Tarfon

1 May 2024 – 4 min read

Are you tired of feeling like you’re missing out on the ultimate pleasure ride with your partner? Do you long for those toe-curling, earth-shattering orgasms during lovemaking, not just when you’re flying solo? If you’re nodding along, congratulations, you’ve stumbled upon the holy grail of partnered pleasure. Get ready to shake off the shackles of fake orgasms and dive headfirst into a world of authentic ecstasy!

Why Orgasms Play Hide and Seek

A whopping 58% of women admit at least sometimes faking orgasms.

Men think it’s about 21% so ladies, you all deserve an Oscar (or not)!

Faking orgasms is worse than you think. It’s not just deceiving your partner and yourself in the moment. Relationship satisfaction for men and women is positively associated with female orgasm frequency and intensity so it’s time to get real if you want your relationship to go from drab to fab!

More than 95% of men and women orgasm during masturbation, but women struggle to translate this to their partner experiences. Why? Because only 5% of women stimulate their vagina alone during masturbation. The majority of women orgasm through clitoral stimulation and the way they stimulate their clitoris during self-pleasure is different to during penetrative intercourse.

What's Holding You Back?

Reaching orgasm with your partner can feel like a distant dream. Here’s what might be holding your orgasm back from exploding:

Foreplay Frenzy: Foreplay isn’t whetting your appetite for pleasure and you’re rushing through the most important part of intimacy. You’re trying to reach your target of penetrative intercourse instead of savouring the anticipation and understanding when foreplay ends and the main event starts. Usually, it’s either because you don’t have time or aren’t receiving the stimulation you need.

Penis Reliance: You are determined to have penetrative intercourse every time. Variety is the spice of life, especially when it comes to reaching that peak of pleasure. Don’t settle for one-trick pony tactics and expect your partner’s penis to punch your pleasure.

Positional Perfection: Not all positions are created equal and as much as sometimes you want to be a sheep, you need to become the pleasure shepherd. Experimentation is key to finding that sweet spot where pleasure reigns supreme.

Orgasm pressure cooker: You’ve had bad experiences in trying to reach your peak so now you are subconsciously pushing yourself to get over that mountain. Truth: the more you aim for orgasm and think “I think I can, I think I can” the more that train is going to run out of steam to reach the top.

But guess what? It’s time to rewrite that narrative and reclaim your orgasmic truth.

Your Gateway to Orgasmic Bliss: The Clitoris

Get ready to meet your new best friend: the clitoris. This powerhouse of pleasure holds the key to unlocking orgasmic paradise. By combining clitoral stimulation with penetration, you’re setting the stage for a symphony of sensations that will leave you breathless.

Women orgasm 51-60% of the time during assisted intercourse versus only 21-30% of the time during penetration only.

“Ladies, you have the same capacity to orgasm as men it’s just a matter of taking what you want!”

Starting Your Orgasm Odyssey

Feeling overwhelmed? Fear not. Here’s your roadmap to reaching new heights of pleasure:

Solo Sensations:

Take time to explore your body and discover what sets your senses on fire. Masturbation isn’t just self-love; it’s a voyage of self-discovery and it exists inside and outside of relationships.

Foreplay Fiesta:

Slow down, savour the moment, and let your partner’s touch ignite your senses. Remember, it’s not just about the destination; it’s about the journey. Sex is a full-body activity and foreplay starts before you even touch each other.

Honesty Hour:

Drop the pretence and communicate openly with your partner. Women’s sexual responses are internal so speak up and guide your man by sharing your desires and needs to unlock a world of mutual pleasure.

Mix it Up:

Variety is the spice of life, especially when it comes to orgasms. Experiment with different techniques and sensations to discover what sends you over the edge. Women need a combination of sexual practices to reach their peak so think about kissing, manual and oral stimulation even during penetration. Secret: you don’t need to orgasm with your partner’s penis inside you every time!

Orgasm with your partner isn’t a far-off dream; it’s within your reach. By embracing open communication and exploring new avenues of pleasure, you’ll embark on a journey of intimacy and satisfaction that will leave you breathless for more. So, what are you waiting for, start today or contact me for more details!

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Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

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Menopause and Sex: Expectations and how to entice your intimacy back to life

Vanessa Tarfon — Mon, 01 Apr 2024 00:02:13 +0000

Menopause and Sex: Expectations and how to entice your intimacy back to life

Vanessa Tarfon

1 Apr 2024 – 4 min read

If you thought menopause was an old woman’s problem you’d never experience then think again. This denial and the secretive conversations about menopause have left everyone unprepared for midlife health. And I mean everyone, including women transitioning through menopause and their partners.

Even less is spoken about menopause and sexual health so it’s time to break the taboo.

When does menopause start?

Women can start the menopause transition at any age but it is most common to start in your mid-40s. The average age in industrialised countries is 47.5 years old and in Australia, the mean age for menopause is 51.3 years old.

The drop in oestradiol (oestrogen) is responsible for many of the symptoms below. Testosterone starts reducing from your mid-20s so it doesn’t cause a sudden decline in your sexual health.

Menopause symptoms that affect sexual health

Not all women experience the same symptoms or severity of symptoms which makes your transition and treatment individual. Given that sexuality is individual, your sexual health and functioning will be affected differently.

Psychological symptoms

Mood swings
Anger
Low libido/difficulty reaching orgasm
Identity crisis “feeling old”
Fogginess

These symptoms negatively impact overall confidence and self-image, sexual desire and relationship connection.

Physical/somatic symptoms

Pelvic floor weakness
Incontinence
Prolapse
Vaginal dryness
Vagina and vulva tissue thinning and loss of fatty tissue
Vaginal canal shortening

Hot flushes
Night sweats
Sleeping disorders
Muscle and joint pain
Sore breasts
Abdominal weight gain

These symptoms negatively impact body image, overall sense of wellbeing, and sexual functioning such as lubrication causing sexual pain and discomfort.

69% of menopausal women experience sexual problems around the world.

These symptoms can reduce sexual desire, increase arousal issues and difficulty to orgasm and cause painful sex.

Menopause symptoms are not the only reason for sexuality changes during this time. In this phase of life, women face life changes and psychosocial factors that negatively impact their sex lives.

Menopause impacts on relationships

Sexual activity decline – predominantly sexual activity frequency reduces. When it remains the same, often this is because the woman feels obliged to continue having sex but doesn’t desire sex. An ingrained sense of giving their partner what they “need” and prioritising male sexual pleasure.
Sexual satisfaction decreases – due to stress response activation and pain, sex becomes a chore that women bear through reducing their pleasure.
Communication issues – people lack the vocabulary to talk about sexual concerns with current or new partners. Sexual problems go in conjunction with communication decline. This is hard for single women who are experiencing menopause but want to shift a new relationship into a sexual relationship and face inadequacy fears like “Do I remember what to do?”
Relationship disconnection and commitment concerns – people drift apart navigating their hobbies, interests and needs alone. Resentment increases from anger and disappointment at their partner or current situation. If left unresolved it can lead to a decline in relationship commitment.

3 easy steps to navigate your sex life through menopause

Stay active

The International Menopause Society recommends 150 minutes of physical activity weekly through menopause. There are strong links between physical activity and reduced sexual problems. Staying active will support your mental, physical and sexual health through the release of endorphins. There is also a link between orgasm frequency and sexual activity frequency.

More physical activity = more sexual activity = increased pleasure.

Body image work

Positive self-messaging and sensual self-massages are important ways to accept your body and ensure your nerves continue to activate to pleasurable touch. If you don’t like yourself and want to touch yourself, it’s hard to be vulnerable in front of someone else. Contact me directly for more instructions.

Communication

If you’re in a relationship, don’t think you are the only one affected by age. Men also experience age-related sexual health changes. For example, increasing erectile dysfunction, reduction in morning erections and lower libido.

You and your partner must communicate about your sexual health because a decline in your sex life could likely be because you are BOTH experiencing changes and feeling embarrassed.

If you’re in a new relationship or dating, contact me today for the best way to access your inner sensual tiger and comfortably open up to new partners.

Menopause, sex and ageing education is limited, but this phase of life doesn’t need to be as daunting as it seems! It can be the best sexual time of your life! Contact me to receive more information on maintaining a healthy and exciting sex life now and into the future.

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Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

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