Because penetrative intercourse is still socially positioned as the “main event” of sex, many couples unconsciously prioritise finishing over pleasure.

When erections are unreliable or anxiety is high, sex may end quickly. Many women respond by making themselves smaller.

They stop asking for oral sex, guiding hands, and advocating for their orgasm.

Research and clinical experience consistently show that women are far less likely to orgasm from penetrative sex alone, yet many stop asking for additional stimulation to protect their partner’s confidence.

They say, “It’s okay, I’m fine.”

But emotionally, the cost is high:

• Resentment builds
• Desire shuts down
• Erotic identity fades
• Emotional distance grows

This is how women end up sexually lonely inside otherwise loving relationships.

The good news is: this story can change. You don’t have to keep playing a role that leaves you unfulfilled. And if you’re a parent, you don’t have to pass this script onto the next generation either.

Here are two powerful shifts you can start with:

Stop Passing on the Message That Women Don’t Enjoy Sex

This starts at home. If you have children, whether sons or daughters, be honest about intimacy, pleasure, and respect. Talk about relationships in a way that doesn’t shame desire or frame sex as a transaction. Normalise the idea that sex should be pleasurable for everyone, not just one partner.

If you grew up with silence or shame around sex, know that you can rewrite the story for yourself too. Challenge the cultural script. Seek out media, conversations, and education that celebrate women’s pleasure rather than side line it.

Flip the Switch in Your Own Relationship

If you want more connection, honesty is non-negotiable. Start by being truthful about your experiences. If sex feels like a chore, say it. If you’re faking orgasms, stop. If you crave more variety, exploration, or touch that isn’t intercourse, bring it up.

Yes, these conversations can feel vulnerable. But they’re also liberating. When you stop pretending, you create space for real intimacy. The kind where both partners feel seen, valued, and excited again.

And here’s something important: joy and exploration don’t have to be elaborate. They can be as simple as touching differently, slowing down, or experimenting with intimacy that isn’t goal-driven. The aim is to bring curiosity and pleasure back into the bedroom (and outside of it too).

How can couples move from chore sex to connection?
By embracing honesty, exploring beyond intercourse, and bringing curiosity and pleasure back into intimacy.

If you’re wondering how to open your relationship in a healthy way, here’s what really matters:

Communication Is Non-Negotiable

Yes, it sounds like a cliché but in ENM, communication isn’t just important, it’s the whole damn game.

You need to have open, ongoing, real conversations about:

• Desires and fears (What do you each want to experience? What if one of you falls in love with someone else?)
• Time and scheduling (Do you want a shared calendar or total freedom?)
• Sexual and emotional boundaries (Who can you sleep with? Who can’t you?)
• Safer sex practices (Condoms, testing, all of it)
• Jealousy and insecurity (Yep, people get jealous how will you handle it?)
• What happens if one of you wants to stop?

And these chats don’t just happen once. They’re part of the lifestyle. If your communication isn’t solid now, opening your relationship won’t magically make you better talkers. In fact, it’ll likely bring unspoken resentments to the surface.

Sexual Health in Open Relationships Goes Beyond STI Testing

Yes, regular STI screening is essential in any open relationship. But sexual health in ENM also means:

• Being confident using protection
• Knowing your own limits and turn-ons
• Navigating consent with new partners
• Feeling empowered and safe, not confused or overwhelmed

ENM often brings a flood of new experiences and dynamics some hot, some confusing. Are you ready to speak up, say no, ask questions, and take responsibility for your pleasure and protection?

And be honest, are you looking to explore new desires, or are you just avoiding dissatisfaction in your current sex life?

Emotional Health: ENM Is Not a Quick Fix

ENM will not fix disconnection, revive a dead bedroom, or heal your self-esteem.

If you’re feeling lonely, bored, or resentful in your relationship, adding another person (or three) won’t solve it. It will just amplify what’s already there.

On the flip side, if you’ve done the inner work, if you know what you want, trust each other, and communicate clearly, ENM can be deeply fulfilling. But you’ve got to do the prep work first.

Every ENM Relationship Looks Different – Know What You Want

There’s no single way to “do” ENM. Some couples:

• Only have sexual experiences together
• Date separately with clear agreements
• Form deep romantic relationships with multiple partners
• Avoid labels altogether and practise relationship anarchy

The key question is: what do you want this to look like?

Ask yourself:

• Why do I want to explore ENM?
• What kind of relationships am I open to?
• Does this align with my values and lifestyle?
• How will I manage judgment from family or friends?
• Do I have the right emotional and community support?

Understanding your why will guide the how, and help you navigate the inevitable challenges that come with living outside traditional relationship norms.

When people say they don’t desire sex, sometimes what they mean is:

“I don’t desire that kind of sex.”

Routine, rushed, performative sex, especially when it’s been the same for years, can lead to sexual boredom, a common issue in midlife. No wonder someone checks out – no one wants that!

Pressure to orgasm, scripts that haven’t changed in 20 years, or sex that’s all about giving instead of receiving? That’s not exciting, it’s exhausting.

So here’s the big question:

Are you having sex that’s genuinely fun, playful, interesting and satisfying?

If not, the fix might not be about having more sex, it’s having different sex.

Try redefining intimacy to include sensual touch, shared fantasies, mutual exploration, extended foreplay, massage, or even just cuddling with no agenda. Focus on connection, pleasure, and play, not performance or frequency.

Your body may be speaking through:

• Hormonal changes in perimenopause or menopause, impacting blood flow, nerve sensitivity, and lubrication.
• Side effects from medications like antidepressants, which can blunt sexual sensation.
• Health conditions such as diabetes, multiple sclerosis, or pelvic floor dysfunction, which can interfere with orgasmic response.

Many women report weaker orgasms after 40, a sudden drop in sensitivity, or the sense that orgasm just disappeared,  and yet these physical changes are often ignored or dismissed.

1. Build Self-Confidence and Practice Self-Validation: Confidence isn’t about external validation. Reflect on your strengths, challenge negative beliefs, and take small steps daily to nurture your self-worth.
2. Find Joy In Your Own Company: Whether it’s cooking, reading, or trying a new hobby, learn to love spending time with yourself. A deep connection with yourself strengthens independence and emotional resilience.
3. Create Meaningful Connections: Join clubs, volunteer, or engage in group activities that align with your values. Friendships and social connections are just as important as romantic ones (and might lead to romantic connections).
4. Practice Gratitude and Mindfulness: A simple gratitude practice or mindfulness routine helps shift your focus to what’s working well in your life.
5. Embrace Intimate Self-Care: Intimacy isn’t just about a partner, it starts with you.

• Try sensual self-massage or self-pleasure to reconnect with your body.
• Stay active to enhance body confidence and overall well-being.
• Journal, meditate, or engage in creative expression to process emotions.
• Enjoy sensory experiences – warm baths, music, or savouring your favourite foods mindfully.

If pain, discomfort, or dryness is holding you back, there are solutions:

Lubricants:

A game-changer for vaginal dryness. Water-based (like YES WB) and silicone-based (like Uberlube) options help ease discomfort.

Ohnut:

If penetration is painful, these rings help control depth, making sex more comfortable.

Sensory Play:

Instead of focusing on penetration, explore erogenous zones like the neck, back, or thighs with gentle touch, feathers, or warm oils.

Waterproof Blankets:

If incontinence or post-surgery concerns make intimacy stressful, products like waterproof blankets (sold as “squirt blankets”) can ease your worries.

Here’s the thing: It’s not just about physical pleasure. Women want to feel cherished, adored, and understood. When you focus on making her feel special, everything else will fall into place.

Must-know tips:

1. She needs at least 20 minutes of manual and oral play before you even think about penetrative intercourse.
2. Worship her body and make her feel sexy – you will be rewarded.
3. She comes first, always and yes this is likely through manual or oral play.
4. The more sexually satisfied she is, the more she’ll naturally crave more intimacy.

Sexual intimacy isn’t just about physical pleasure, it’s about fuelling your emotional and physical well-being. Here’s how prioritising intimacy can transform your life:

Increase in Positive Hormones – During intimacy your body releases happy hormones like oxytocin and dopamine, which boost your mood, deepen connections, and help you feel more content.

Mental Clarity and Energy – Feeling frazzled? Intimacy is a natural stress reliever. Regular moments of connection can clear your mind, boost your focus, and give you the energy to tackle life’s demands.

Stronger Relationships – Physical closeness strengthens emotional bonds, creating a foundation of trust, support, and understanding with your partner.

Boost in Self-Confidence – Adopting your sexuality, enhances your self-image, helping you feel more empowered, sexy, and capable in every aspect of life.

Small yet mighty, the Dame Fin finger vibrator is perfect for solo use or adding an extra thrill while your partner is in motion because yes women commonly need clitoral stimulation at the same time as penetration to explode. This little wonder packs a punch, fitting neatly between your fingers for easy, precise stimulation.