Mirror mirror on the wall who is the fairest one of all

1 in 7 women have a low sexual self-image and avoid mirrors. Today you will overcome that fear and start looking in the mirror. If you have a partner you can get them involved to support you through this step.

The goal is to look at your naked body in the mirror and talk yourself through what you see. What do you love and don’t love, and why?

Then think about where that belief or understanding has come from. For example, who told you that cellulite was ugly?

Then decide whether thinking that same way is benefiting you. If it isn’t and there is no valid reason then drop the belief or replace it with a positive one. For example, society sells me products to try to get rid of cellulite but the reality is that everyone has cellulite so it’s not realistic for me to say I won’t have any. My partner doesn’t notice it, I’m not going to worry about it anymore. 

Daily self-talk reminder

It’s easy to get sucked back into negative thinking because 80% of our daily thoughts are negative. To combat this and stay on track give yourself a pep talk every morning and every night reminding yourself of 3 positive attributes you have. You are more than your appearance, so remember, your attributes are not just physical. They can include things like your personality and your values.

Touch comfort

Before you can relax and comfortably enjoy touch from a partner you need to reacquaint yourself with touch. Every day or other day, gently caress yourself all over and allow yourself to feel each area being touched. Start at the top of your head and slowly work your way down to your toes. You can touch around your genitals until you feel comfortable to touch your genitals. This massage reignites your nerve endings across your body (26% of your body are erogenous zones), and gets your endorphins flowing. 

Movement endorphin push

There is a link between physical exercise and sexual satisfaction. Get moving and release endorphins through your body. You don’t need to hit a gym, just move freely at a moderate intensity. Do yoga, walk, dance, aerobics or chase kids. If you are in a relationship, combine exercise and bonding by doing something active together.

Beauty at any age is more than skin deep. For a life-long fulfilling sex life, it’s time to take a different approach. You and your partner will benefit long-term.

Here is exactly what you need to know to fix your challenges when you lack time, energy and communication capacity.

The time battle

As a parent, I get it. Even when you pre-plan something often happens to ruin your plans. There is a misconception that for intimacy or intimate conversations, you need a large amount of time, an hour or 2. It seems impossible to carve that much time out.

Depending on your goal, whether it be intimacy itself or a conversation about intimate issues you do not need this length of time.

Conversations can happen across several short chats and intimacy acts vary in length each time.

The recipe you need:

• Write down your average day with time allocations. Pockets of time will appear
• Decide what your primary goal is. Is it to reawaken your sexuality, revive your body image or is it to communicate with your partner about issues?
• Block out a regular pocket of time to meet your goal – this might be daily, bi-daily or weekly.
• How big a time pocket will you need?
  • Mums can make changes to their sexual self-image with 10 minutes a day
  • Intimate conversations can be in short chats of 15-20 minutes (write down where you left off if you need to pick up at the same spot next time)
  • Intimate acts will vary depending on your enjoyment and the activity itself, the main thing to remember is not to rush – we want quality sex not quantity sex

The energy battle

When you find those pockets of time, block a couple out to rest and be alone. Whether it be to have the mental capacity for an intimate conversation, or whether you need physical and mental energy to get in the mood for intimacy you need time to yourself to revive. You can do it in as little as 5 minutes.

The recipe you need:

• Sit alone in your room or a space
• Close your eyes and take deep calming breathes
• Run your hands over your body with a gentle, featherlike touch
• Allow yourself to just relax and feel the sensations

The communication battle

54% of mums find it difficult to discuss sex and sex-related problems. They’re scared to talk to their partner about what they are feeling or thinking because of self-judgment, lack of sexual health understanding and pre-conceived ideas about women’s roles in relationships.

Many people also don’t have the right vocabulary to be able to communicate with each other about what the problem is and what they want the solution to be.

The recipe you need:

• Sit down with your partner during your allocation time pocket and set ground rules first. That way everyone knows what is happening and when to take a break if they need.

Here are some rule ideas:

• Don’t start a discussion with negativity
• Be aware of the four horsemen – criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling
• Provide constructive criticism and allow the discussion to highlight solutions. Outline what the issue is, why it is an issue or you haven’t mentioned it before, and how you are going to or want to move forward.
• Body language –maintain an open space and be aware of any changes in your body particularly negative ones.
• Openness and honesty is paramount.
• Make it clear that you want to improve your relationship and connection with each other.
• Raise your concerns using “I” statements – for example, I feel, I find, I value
• Work out solutions together as a team and hold each other accountable.

Every person and relationship is different. To truly overcome challenges the only necessity is that you feel strongly motivated to do the work and prioritise yourself and your relationship.

If you can do that then you are well on your way to busting through your postpartum challenges.

There is no biological difference between men and women’s sex drives. Socially and culturally we are taught differently. We are taught that men need sex more than women because they have higher testosterone and are “always thinking about sex”.

WRONG. The biggest influence on sex drive is our background, knowledge, education and internal expectations. Hormone fluctuations over women’s menstrual cycle do have an impact on our sex drive but generally, there is nothing in your brain or physical make-up that makes women different from men.

Your normal sex drive is the level that gives you pleasure and satisfaction.