If you want sex but don’t feel aroused, the solution is slowing down.

Rebuilding begins outside intercourse. It might look like:

• Longer, pressure-free touch – taking time to explore your own and/or your partner’s body to rediscover pleasure zones you never realised including having an orgasm with no touch at all

• Taking penetration off the table temporarily – this is not the pinnacle sex act…I wonder what options you’ll discover when you take penile-vaginal intercourse away

• Exploring different types of stimulation – textures, pressure, temperatures, and locations

• Using lubricant early, not as an afterthought

• Reconnecting with self-pleasure without performance pressure – rediscover what and how your body responds. Arousal pathways change, sensitivity shifts, rhythm and pressure preferences evolve. Embrace the feels further with a Love My Feels vibrator (use code: vanessa10 for 10% off)

Because penetrative intercourse is still socially positioned as the “main event” of sex, many couples unconsciously prioritise finishing over pleasure.

When erections are unreliable or anxiety is high, sex may end quickly. Many women respond by making themselves smaller.

They stop asking for oral sex, guiding hands, and advocating for their orgasm.

Research and clinical experience consistently show that women are far less likely to orgasm from penetrative sex alone, yet many stop asking for additional stimulation to protect their partner’s confidence.

They say, “It’s okay, I’m fine.”

But emotionally, the cost is high:

• Resentment builds
• Desire shuts down
• Erotic identity fades
• Emotional distance grows

This is how women end up sexually lonely inside otherwise loving relationships.

The good news is: this story can change. You don’t have to keep playing a role that leaves you unfulfilled. And if you’re a parent, you don’t have to pass this script onto the next generation either.

Here are two powerful shifts you can start with:

Stop Passing on the Message That Women Don’t Enjoy Sex

This starts at home. If you have children, whether sons or daughters, be honest about intimacy, pleasure, and respect. Talk about relationships in a way that doesn’t shame desire or frame sex as a transaction. Normalise the idea that sex should be pleasurable for everyone, not just one partner.

If you grew up with silence or shame around sex, know that you can rewrite the story for yourself too. Challenge the cultural script. Seek out media, conversations, and education that celebrate women’s pleasure rather than side line it.

Flip the Switch in Your Own Relationship

If you want more connection, honesty is non-negotiable. Start by being truthful about your experiences. If sex feels like a chore, say it. If you’re faking orgasms, stop. If you crave more variety, exploration, or touch that isn’t intercourse, bring it up.

Yes, these conversations can feel vulnerable. But they’re also liberating. When you stop pretending, you create space for real intimacy. The kind where both partners feel seen, valued, and excited again.

And here’s something important: joy and exploration don’t have to be elaborate. They can be as simple as touching differently, slowing down, or experimenting with intimacy that isn’t goal-driven. The aim is to bring curiosity and pleasure back into the bedroom (and outside of it too).

How can couples move from chore sex to connection?
By embracing honesty, exploring beyond intercourse, and bringing curiosity and pleasure back into intimacy.

For people in a relationship, it’s common to experience a reduction in libido after you’ve been together for a significant amount of time. However, you don’t have to accept that as your new normal. Sometimes, you just need to reconnect on an emotional level to bring that passion back into your relationship.

If you’re struggling to feel any desire for physical intimacy, think first about whether you’re comfortable with emotional intimacy. Whether you have a significant other or not, fears around being emotionally vulnerable can have a big impact on your sex drive. Try taking some time to connect with others and enjoy their company in a way that feels safe and comfortable. You may find that, by taking away that added pressure to be physically intimate, you experience a natural boost in your libido.

If you’re wondering how to open your relationship in a healthy way, here’s what really matters:

Communication Is Non-Negotiable

Yes, it sounds like a cliché but in ENM, communication isn’t just important, it’s the whole damn game.

You need to have open, ongoing, real conversations about:

• Desires and fears (What do you each want to experience? What if one of you falls in love with someone else?)
• Time and scheduling (Do you want a shared calendar or total freedom?)
• Sexual and emotional boundaries (Who can you sleep with? Who can’t you?)
• Safer sex practices (Condoms, testing, all of it)
• Jealousy and insecurity (Yep, people get jealous how will you handle it?)
• What happens if one of you wants to stop?

And these chats don’t just happen once. They’re part of the lifestyle. If your communication isn’t solid now, opening your relationship won’t magically make you better talkers. In fact, it’ll likely bring unspoken resentments to the surface.

Sexual Health in Open Relationships Goes Beyond STI Testing

Yes, regular STI screening is essential in any open relationship. But sexual health in ENM also means:

• Being confident using protection
• Knowing your own limits and turn-ons
• Navigating consent with new partners
• Feeling empowered and safe, not confused or overwhelmed

ENM often brings a flood of new experiences and dynamics some hot, some confusing. Are you ready to speak up, say no, ask questions, and take responsibility for your pleasure and protection?

And be honest, are you looking to explore new desires, or are you just avoiding dissatisfaction in your current sex life?

Emotional Health: ENM Is Not a Quick Fix

ENM will not fix disconnection, revive a dead bedroom, or heal your self-esteem.

If you’re feeling lonely, bored, or resentful in your relationship, adding another person (or three) won’t solve it. It will just amplify what’s already there.

On the flip side, if you’ve done the inner work, if you know what you want, trust each other, and communicate clearly, ENM can be deeply fulfilling. But you’ve got to do the prep work first.

Every ENM Relationship Looks Different – Know What You Want

There’s no single way to “do” ENM. Some couples:

• Only have sexual experiences together
• Date separately with clear agreements
• Form deep romantic relationships with multiple partners
• Avoid labels altogether and practise relationship anarchy

The key question is: what do you want this to look like?

Ask yourself:

• Why do I want to explore ENM?
• What kind of relationships am I open to?
• Does this align with my values and lifestyle?
• How will I manage judgment from family or friends?
• Do I have the right emotional and community support?

Understanding your why will guide the how, and help you navigate the inevitable challenges that come with living outside traditional relationship norms.

When people say they don’t desire sex, sometimes what they mean is:

“I don’t desire that kind of sex.”

Routine, rushed, performative sex, especially when it’s been the same for years, can lead to sexual boredom, a common issue in midlife. No wonder someone checks out – no one wants that!

Pressure to orgasm, scripts that haven’t changed in 20 years, or sex that’s all about giving instead of receiving? That’s not exciting, it’s exhausting.

So here’s the big question:

Are you having sex that’s genuinely fun, playful, interesting and satisfying?

If not, the fix might not be about having more sex, it’s having different sex.

Try redefining intimacy to include sensual touch, shared fantasies, mutual exploration, extended foreplay, massage, or even just cuddling with no agenda. Focus on connection, pleasure, and play, not performance or frequency.

Your body may be speaking through:

• Hormonal changes in perimenopause or menopause, impacting blood flow, nerve sensitivity, and lubrication.
• Side effects from medications like antidepressants, which can blunt sexual sensation.
• Health conditions such as diabetes, multiple sclerosis, or pelvic floor dysfunction, which can interfere with orgasmic response.

Many women report weaker orgasms after 40, a sudden drop in sensitivity, or the sense that orgasm just disappeared,  and yet these physical changes are often ignored or dismissed.

If you’ve never explored your body before, or if it’s been a long time, the first and most important step is permission. Permission to be curious, to feel, to take your time, and to let go of the idea that pleasure must look a certain way.

One of the biggest misconceptions I encounter is the belief that arousal should happen instantly, within five minutes. We’re surrounded by movies and shows where couples go from kissing to orgasm in the blink of an eye, but that’s simply not how most bodies work, especially if you’re dealing with years of repression, shame, or disconnect from your sensual self. Arousal and desire are not light switches. They’re more like a pot of boiling water. It takes time, presence, and a sense of safety for your body to catch up to your mind.

1. Build Self-Confidence and Practice Self-Validation: Confidence isn’t about external validation. Reflect on your strengths, challenge negative beliefs, and take small steps daily to nurture your self-worth.
2. Find Joy In Your Own Company: Whether it’s cooking, reading, or trying a new hobby, learn to love spending time with yourself. A deep connection with yourself strengthens independence and emotional resilience.
3. Create Meaningful Connections: Join clubs, volunteer, or engage in group activities that align with your values. Friendships and social connections are just as important as romantic ones (and might lead to romantic connections).
4. Practice Gratitude and Mindfulness: A simple gratitude practice or mindfulness routine helps shift your focus to what’s working well in your life.
5. Embrace Intimate Self-Care: Intimacy isn’t just about a partner, it starts with you.

• Try sensual self-massage or self-pleasure to reconnect with your body.
• Stay active to enhance body confidence and overall well-being.
• Journal, meditate, or engage in creative expression to process emotions.
• Enjoy sensory experiences – warm baths, music, or savouring your favourite foods mindfully.