boring sex Archives - Authentic Awareness https://authenticawareness.com.au/tag/boring-sex/ Vanessa Tarfon Tue, 18 Aug 2026 01:49:48 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=7.1 Why Oral Sex Gets More Important With Age, Not Less https://authenticawareness.com.au/oral-sex-older-adults-relationship-intimacy/ https://authenticawareness.com.au/oral-sex-older-adults-relationship-intimacy/#respond Tue, 01 Sep 2026 00:04:45 +0000 https://authenticawareness.com.au/?p=8215 New research on older couples reveals oral sex plays a bigger role in relationship closeness and orgasm than most people assume. Here's what it found.

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Why Oral Sex Gets More Important With Age, Not Less

smiling face, sex therapist, sex educator, sexologist
Vanessa Tarfon

1 Sep 2026 – 3 min read

oral sex older adults, research on relationship intimacy after 50

There’s an assumption in how we talk about ageing and sex: that somewhere around retirement age, oral sex just quietly…stops. Like a hobby you used to have when you were young and sprightly! 

 

Not even remotely accurate.

Do Older Couples Still Have Oral Sex? Yes, Here's the Research

A study looking at older couples where the average age was 71 for men and 67 for women, found that 37% of them had given or received oral sex in the past 12 months. Not “tried it once as a wedding anniversary speciality”, or “I wonder what the kids are doing these days”. But regularly, as part of an ongoing sex life. If your mental image of a 70-something’s sex life doesn’t include this, that’s a gap in your imagination, not a gap in their bedroom.

Why Oral Sex and Relationship Quality Are Linked

Here’s the part that’s more important than the number. Researchers found that people who felt more supported by their partner, and less strained in the relationship generally,  were the ones giving oral sex more often. Not the other way around, where oral sex was being used to fix a broken relationship. Emotional connection in the relationship is driving behaviour.

 

That reframes the whole conversation. Oral sex isn’t an “add-on” you deploy to spice things up when the usual routine goes stale. It’s something that shows up more in relationships where people already feel safe, valued, and un-resented by their partner.

The absence of oral might be telling you something worth looking at that has nothing to do with technique.

Oral Sex, Orgasm, and Ageing: What the Study Found

For both men and women, receiving oral sex was linked to a higher chance of orgasm and greater sexual enjoyment. That’s relevant! Particularly if you’re navigating any of the perimenopausal or menopausal changes that make orgasm harder to reach or less intense than it used to be. If this is you, oral is worth prioritising, not treating as optional extra.

 

But the real finding is: sexual enjoyment predicted emotional closeness, relationship intimacy, and overall relationship quality. Not the reverse-only relationship you might expect, where a good relationship simply produces good sex as a side effect. The flow runs both ways. Good sex actively builds the relationship, not just reflects how good it already is.

 

If you’ve been treating oral sex (giving or receiving) as something that naturally tapers off with time, age, or a long-term relationship, this is your evidence that it does more relational work than you give it credit for.

Why This Gets Overlooked

Sexuality changes become more common as people age. Desire changes, arousal takes longer, bodies don’t always cooperate the way they used to or as quickly. People lean into stereotypes like older people just can’t be bothered. But that’s just assumptions, not about what’s actually happening in most long-term relationships.

 

The research suggests oral sex specifically becomes more valuable exactly when other aspects of sexual function get more complicated, because it doesn’t depend on the same physiological mechanics as penetrative sex and it doesn’t require anyone to be “firing on all cylinders” to still deliver orgasm, enjoyment, and closeness.

 

In other words: it’s not the thing you stop doing, it actually becomes more important the longer you’re in a relationship and the more your body changes.

How to Bring Oral Sex Back Into Your Relationship

If it’s been a while since you enjoyed oral sex think about why.

 

  • Is it logistics and tiredness?
  • Is it a body image thing that’s making one or both of you avoid it?
  • Is it resentment that’s making generosity in bed feel like the last thing on the list?

 

Remember people who feel supported and unstrained give it more. So if it’s dropped off, the question worth asking isn’t “how do we get better at this technically”, it’s “what’s going on in the relationship that’s making this feel harder to offer?”

 

And if you haven’t “received” for a while, what is stopping you from asking for it? Is it because it feels like an imposition, or you’ve decided it’s “not really necessary at this point”? I would recommend reconsidering. It’s linked to your orgasm, enjoyment, and the closeness of your relationship. That’s not a small trade to walk away from out of politeness.

 

Ageing doesn’t retire you from any of this. If anything, it puts it back on the table as one of the more reliable ways to stay connected (physically and emotionally) to the person you’re with. This applies whether you’re with one long-term partner or several casual partners.

 

Good oral sex as you age

If it’s been a while here is your action plan:

 

  1. Think about why and then communicate with your partner to understand each other’s point of view. Then take steps to act on the barriers whether they be in the moment intimate ones or non-sexual relationship barriers
  2. Start to include it back into your routine – it doesn’t need to be a precursor to penetrative intercourse, it’s a stand alone activity too. When it comes to positioning, think about comfortable positions for the giver and receiver. Traditional stereotypical positions may not be comfortable for you anymore but there are plenty of options to make both people comfortable to enjoy the activity.
  3. Not sure how to do it anymore? Reach out for guidance on technique, but enthusiasm matters more than precision, and your partner will help steer you in the right direction.
  4. Speak to a Sex Therapist – if you’re struggling to bring this topic up with your partner, or the conversation is nosediving, reach out for personalised support because everyone deserves sexual enjoyment and satisfaction. After all, it helps you live at least 5 years longer!

Oral Sex and Ageing FAQs
For those who want quick answers

Do older couples still have oral sex? Yes, research on couples averaging 71 (men) and 67 (women) found 37% had given or received oral sex in the past 12 months. It doesn’t disappear with age.

 

Does oral sex actually improve relationships, or is it just about pleasure? Both. Sexual enjoyment from oral sex was linked to greater emotional closeness, intimacy, and overall relationship quality. The benefit isn’t purely physical.

 

What predicts whether couples still have oral sex later in life? Relationship quality. People who feel more supported by their partner, with less ongoing relationship strain, give oral sex more often meaning it tends to reflect (and reinforce) how the relationship is actually going.

 

Does receiving oral sex affect orgasm? Yes, for both men and women receiving oral sex was linked to a higher likelihood of orgasm and greater sexual enjoyment overall.

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smiling face, sex therapist, sex educator, sexologist
Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

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]]> https://authenticawareness.com.au/oral-sex-older-adults-relationship-intimacy/feed/ 0 How to break out of a sexless relationship and revive intimacy https://authenticawareness.com.au/how-to-break-out-of-a-sexless-relationship-and-revive-intimacy/ https://authenticawareness.com.au/how-to-break-out-of-a-sexless-relationship-and-revive-intimacy/#respond Tue, 02 Jan 2024 09:40:00 +0000 https://authenticawareness.com.au/?p=6268 You’re in a sexless relationship and you don’t know how to get out of it? Find out here exactly how to get out of your sex slump!

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How to break out of a sexless relationship and revive intimacy

smiling face, sex therapist, sex educator, sexologist
Vanessa Tarfon

2 Jan 2023 – 5 min read

man and woman lying facing each other laughing

So you’re in a sexless relationship and you don’t know how to get out of it? You’re partner has mentioned to you that you haven’t had sex in a while and when you think about it you realise that it’s been longer than you thought it had!

Why do we get into these “no sex” slumps?

It’s not unusual to find yourself in a slump. Throughout life, we go through periods of sexual highs and lows. Our sex drive is never static in life it ebbs and flows. Sex drive is strongly linked to your mood. When you are feeling good you feel sexy, desirable and are more interested in intimacy. When you feel low, depressed, anxious and tense you are less inclined to be interested in any intimacy.

“People have more sex on holidays because they are relaxed, happy and carefree.”

The slump you are in now could be because:

  1. You are in a physical state where your hormones are reducing your sexual interest
  2. You’ve taken on too much in life recently and are feeling exhausted and overwhelmed
  3. An issue you are concerned or stressed about hasn’t been resolved
  4. A general health issue is affecting your sex drive or body image
  5. You are experiencing relationship issues – you are disconnected or resentful of your partner

Breaking out of a sexless relationship is possible. The first thing you must do is to actively decide that you want to!

What triggers your sex drive into gear?

The biggest complaint for women trying to get themselves out of a sexual slump is that their relationship lacks romance. They are missing the little acts and words from their partner to show them they are desirable and to help boost their sexual desire.

The majority of women have responsive sexual desire, which means they need constant stimuli to respond. Often it’s those little romantic gestures that have the greatest impact on their sex drive as opposed to an extravagant gift or show of love.

Surprise! A sudden touch on the leg and hearing “you want to” is NOT going to get her interest spiked!

How can I boost my sex drive and revive our relationship intimacy?

Here are the steps you are going to take for yourself and your partner to get out of the “no sex” slump.

Firstly, communication

You need to understand why you are in your current slump and communicate with your partner about it. Particularly if there is something your partner is or isn’t doing. You can raise your own sex drive with the steps below but if there is an issue with your partner also then they need to put in some effort to revive intimacy.

Positive sexual self messaging

1 in 7 women have a low sexual self-image. If your self-image or body image is low this is going to be an important step for you! The goal is to complete your self-messaging in front of the mirror naked. If you don’t want to look at yourself naked start with a robe on but as you progress every day, drop the robe. Tell yourself something great that you see. Touch the body part or area that you are talking about when you say it. It’s common to take a top-down approach, starting with those areas that you already accept and then working your way to harder areas.

Keeping the romance alive with your partner

Every morning tell each other one thing you love about them and every night tell each other one thing you appreciated about them that day. Intimacy doesn’t just start and end with sex, keep the flame burning every day.

Sensory play throughout the day

Generate anticipation and desire throughout the day by activating all your senses.

  1. Taste – close your eyes and have your partner surprise you by feeding you food or snacks, you can also do this yourself by savouring foods of your choice;
  2. Touch –activate your biggest organ (your skin) by running different items over your body in different ways. Using kitchen utensils or bathroom products are great, cheap and easy to find if you are starting and unsure what textures you like;
  3. Sound – the right sounds can get your juices flowing. Think about your partner’s voice, certain words/phrases, humming or music that gets you excited;
  4. Smell – aromas are great at conjuring memories. Use foods, plants, flowers, perfumes, soaps or candles to activate your sensual memories;
  5. Sight – visual sexual stimuli is the best way to heighten desire. Sneak peeks on your phone at photos, movies or visual stimuli, or look at yourself naked in the mirror and incorporate touch at the same time to pack a desire punch.

Finally, take yourself and your relationship back to basics

What are you doing for yourself? If you don’t feel good you won’t be in the mood for intimacy. What do you want to do or experience to make you feel like yourself? Is it a dance class, playing a sport, or a reading club? Whatever it is, start doing it regularly. Similarly, non-sexual dates with your partner are important for bonding and connection. What activities or experiences can you start doing regularly together to revive your connection? The boost in happy hormones from these experiences will carry into the bedroom. Remember but that you need to continue to grow so take regular steps to increase intimacy. 

 

Sex isn’t one-size-fits-all. If you have received advice or ideas before and they haven’t worked as well as you hoped, don’t give up. There are always other things you can try.

 

The only question you need to ask yourself is “what happens if nothing changes?” 

 

If you don’t like the answer, then you have the motivation to make changes. Contact me today to discuss alternative approaches.

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smiling face, sex therapist, sex educator, sexologist
Vanessa Tarfon

Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness

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How sex toys boost sexual desire and arousal

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male hand holding a vibrator on a female stomach. Female lying on bed in underwear with vibrator on her stomach. Couple using sex toys to enhance their sexual activities

As we rush towards spring it’s time to fire up your sexual desire and arousal. It’s time to talk sex toys! Toys facilitate learning about your body and taking control of your sensuality and pleasure. Sex toys and practices are not something to be ashamed of. They are tools for confidence and pleasure.

Testing new sex toys are great for keeping the spark alive in long-term relationships. Men and women experience sexual desire differently and sometimes you need a little more than your partner to push your desire and arousal over the edge.

 

3 senses to fire up sexual desire and arousal

Using all your senses during sex is important for enjoyment. Here are the top 3 to get your body glowing.

Touch

Changing your touch technique creates surprise and activates your nerves in different ways. What worked last session might not be what your body is searching for this session.

Here are some ideas to think about:

  • Direct vs indirect touch (hovering/skimming the tips of your hairs only)
  • Soft vs hard
  • Fingertips vs whole hand
  • Hand vs other body parts/toys
  • Fast vs slow movements
  • Strokes vs circular motions vs flicks vs taps vs slaps

Sound

Make your body tremble with desire and arousal at varying sounds. Certain music or songs, or ask your partner to hum, whisper or speak certain words or phrases into your ear. Then ask your partner to hum or speak closely over different parts of your body without directly touching you. The sound of their voice or music is arousing, but your body will also respond to the vibration it feels from the proximity.

Taste

Ask your partner to create a tasting plate. Feel free to give them some ideas of what you’d like if you are concerned. Then get naked or strip down to your underwear, wear a blindfold and then your partner starts to feed you. Don’t rush. The idea isn’t to do this because you are starving! It’s to savour the flavours, textures and intimate experience of being fed, which should include combinations of kissing and touching throughout.

 

Adding sex toys to your sex life

Strengthen these 3 sensual options by adding toys to playtime. There are so many toys on the market for beginners to advanced users. The hardest decision is which one to try first!

Vibrators

First vibrators and dildos are different. Unless it is a vibrating dildo, a dildo is used for penetration just like a penis with no extra fancy actions.

There are an overwhelming amount of vibrators on the market. Clitoral “suckers”, bullets, rabbits, eggs, wands, g-spot vibes, cock rings and more. Realistic looking vibrators to alien-looking vibrators and everything in between. Vibrators are great for different touch options, sound amplification and during tasting play.

Vibrators for solo play and discovery

Masturbating with vibrators is great for exploring what your body enjoys and the type of vibrations you crave. If you are a vibrator newbie, here’s some extra info:

A bullet vibrator: these are for external use only but are nice and small so the least intimidating option.

A clitoral stimulator: there are 2 types of clitoral vibrators. Ones that use air pulsation and suction and others that use vibrations and rolling actions. The air pulses and suction stimulators have been getting a lot of coverage over the last 2 years but the sensation isn’t for everyone as they are strong and also louder. My recommendation, try both!

G-spot vibrator: these provide internal stimulation and if you experience penetrative pain or discomfort they can help you adapt to penetrative sensations. G-spot vibrators can also be used externally on your clitoris or over your body for more bang for your buck!

Vibrators for couple play

Firstly, you can use any of your solo play vibes during partner play to amp up your arousal and desire. But also don’t miss these options!

Use a wand vibrator or tickler during foreplay to get your nerves firing and blood pumping.

When it comes to penetration a vibrating cock ring gives your partner heightened pleasure through pressure and increased blood flow and you get to enjoy the feeling of fullness along with clitoral stimulation.

FIFO couples don’t think you miss out on the fun when you are away from each other! Couple vibrators used with remotes or your phone mean you don’t even need to be in the same room or city to ignite your fire! Check out the Lelo Tiani Harmony or We Vibe Sync 2.

 

Am I into BDSM?

BDSM can initially appear scary and overwhelming. No matter what it is that catches your eye, whether: floggers, crops, whips or paddles, handcuffs and restraints, blindfolds and gags, pinwheels or nipple clamps there are lighter versions you can try first.

BDSM is great if you’re aroused by touch and sound play.

These are best enjoyed with a partner and you might be surprised to learn whether you are more turned on by being the recipient or the giver.

Once you know what you like, follow your comfort level and amp up your toys.

 

Sex Furniture

Sex isn’t just something that happens in bed. Swings, crosses, benches, chaises, and chairs can increase your pleasure and comfort. Sex furniture can be used for touch, sound and taste play.

Want to try but don’t have the room? That’s ok there are various wedge pillows and over-the-door options you can hide away in a cupboard until you need them. Then use them on the bed or floor to change angles and increase your pleasure.

           

You don’t have time for lacklustre sex. It’s time to create fun and pleasure by exploring your next levels of comfort and desire. Contact me for further information or recommendations.

boring sex divorce long-term relationships marriage concerns relationship problems relationship satisfaction sexless relationship sexual communication spicing up sex

Author: Vanessa Tarfon

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]]> Frustration to Pleasure: 4 ways to stimulate a boring sex life https://authenticawareness.com.au/4-ways-to-stimulate-a-boring-sex-life/ Thu, 01 Dec 2022 01:03:00 +0000 https://authenticawareness.com.au/?p=2982 When your sex life is lacking or boring this is how to turn your boring sex life into a fiery fiesta.

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Frustration to Pleasure: 4 ways to stimulate a boring sex life

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man and woman kissing in the kitchen to spice up a boring sex life. Woman is sitting on the bench top and man has hands on woman's thighs. Couple spicing up a boring sex life by changing sexual location.

If your sex life is lacking or boring and you have tried to spice things up unsuccessfully, this is a must-read! Disconnecting from your own body or relationship isn’t unusual in long-term relationships. Disconnecting from your body or partner leads to a boring sex life until someone calls it out. This is how to turn your boring sex life into a fiery fiesta.

Is this you?

  • You talked with your partner about adding spice to your sex life.
  • You sent your partner website links for toys, porn or lingerie but it falls on deaf ears.
  • You’re the only one pushing for things to change.
  • You’re sick of initiating the conversation.
  • You’re stuck because you don’t want this to be your future but you’re not clear on your next move.

 

Why did my sex life get boring?

Firstly, it’s not unusual for sexual activities to change and our sex lives to go through periods of highs (exploring) and lows (mundane). In life, we go through periods of high and low stress. Stress negatively impacts our libido. The more we become bogged down by life issues and stress the more our libido sinks.

Secondly, as relationships evolve and we develop closer and more loving connections with our partner we become more comfortable. We fart freely, go to the toilet with the door open and aren’t concerned in the slightest about the lack of leg shaving in winter…

Feeling comfortable is fantastic BUT there’s a difference between COMFORTABLE and LAZY.

Thirdly, when life or personal circumstances change it’s easy to disconnect you’re your partner. Major life changes like having a baby, moving house, dealing with elderly parents or personal changes like changing jobs, taking up a class, or experiencing health issues can make us withdraw to navigate our path. In these times connecting as a couple is important for growth.

Society deprioritises sex and pleasure. Sex is last on our daily to-do list and gets bumped by sleep. So it’s easy to see why sex lives are the first to become boring or nonexistent. 66% of mothers are unsatisfied with their sex lives and want to spice things up!

 

How to spice up a boring sex life?

Boost the romance and non-intimate acts first

If your partner has sex because “you’re in a relationship and meant to” then they lack excitement. No romance or anticipation leads to mechanical, physical sex.

Set the scene well before your sex sessions. Think days and hours prior. Initiate the romantic gestures that get your partner excited, feeling special and loved. For example: buying flowers for no reason, giving a non-sexual massage or leaving hidden love notes. The possibilities are endless but tap into what your partner enjoys and NEEDS.

Buy the damn toy

There’s no need to send links asking, “do you want to try this?” because you’ll either receive no response or an arbitrary agreement. Do YOU want to try it? If the answer is yes, then just buy it! Bring it out before a session and tell your partner you bought something new you’d like to try. If they are uncomfortable trying it then either let your partner watch you use it (they may actually decide to join) or use it on your own. Take control of your sexual pleasure DON’T depend on someone else for your pleasure.

Timing equals success

Don’t try to spice things up when you don’t have time. If you’re having your scheduled Friday night session but you know your partner had a difficult day or is exhausted, now is not the time to experiment. Your partner will reject any change and you will feel annoyed. Don’t rush exploring. Look for occasions when you have time and everyone is feeling relaxed and happy before introducing changes.

Seek a Sex Therapist

Sexual problems are exactly what we are here for. We thrive on helping people resolve these exact situations. If your conversations and efforts are resisted then this is when an objective third party will help discover the barriers to change. Your partner has a reason for their feelings and behaviours. Having an expert ensures your partner feels comfortable openly discussing any issues.

 

Everyone has the right to sexual pleasure and to live a fulfilling pleasurable life. Like any other area of your health if something is lacking it’s time for a check-up!

 

Share this blog with your partner to facilitate a conversation.

boring sex long-term relationships sex after birth sexual communication spicing up sex

Author: Vanessa Tarfon

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