Beginner’s Guide to Self-Pleasure for Women Over 35: It’s Not Too Late
Vanessa Tarfon
1 May 2025 – 5 min read
Have you ever wondered if it’s too late to learn about your body, or felt embarrassed that you’ve never really explored what turns you on?
You’re not alone and you’re not broken.
Whether you’re post-divorce, navigating midlife, or just feeling that nudge to finally discover what pleasure means for you, this guide is your safe, welcoming starting point.
As a Sex Therapist who primarily works with women over 35, I hear it whispered all the time:
- “I’ve never touched myself before.”
- “I’ve only ever had sex one way and I’ve never orgasmed.”
- “I’ve never really felt turned on, I just fake it.”
This blog is here to say: yes, it’s normal. Yes, you deserve more. And no, it’s never too late.
Why So Many Women Haven’t Explored Their Pleasure
Many of us were raised in environments where touching ourselves was taboo. I work with women who have never touched themselves at all because they were told it was dirty. Others feared pregnancy so deeply that the idea of desire was always tied to anxiety. For many, being sexual was dangerous, risky, or just something that invited judgment. That programming doesn’t just vanish when we hit adulthood.
So, if you’re now exploring your body and desire for the first time, it’s not because you missed something, it’s because you’re finally giving yourself permission to heal and reconnect. That’s powerful.
When “Good Sex” Isn’t Actually That Good
Many clients tell me they’re having “good sex,” but when we dig deeper, it’s clear they’re following a script. Same moves, same positions, same routine. Often, it’s all they’ve ever seen or known. It’s almost always based on what people think sex should look like, not what they feel. There’s nothing wrong with those positions or that style of sex, but if it feels like a chore or just…meh, it’s a sign that your sensual landscape is craving more exploration.
Here’s the thing: there’s a whole world beyond vanilla sex and the missionary position. But first, you need to know what you enjoy and that starts with self-exploration.
First Steps Into Safe, Shame-Free Self-Touch
Forget the pressure to orgasm. Forget what you think sex is supposed to look like. Here’s how to start gently:
Giving Yourself Permission to Explore
If you’ve never explored your body before, or if it’s been a long time, the first and most important step is permission. Permission to be curious, to feel, to take your time, and to let go of the idea that pleasure must look a certain way.
One of the biggest misconceptions I encounter is the belief that arousal should happen instantly, within five minutes. We’re surrounded by movies and shows where couples go from kissing to orgasm in the blink of an eye, but that’s simply not how most bodies work, especially if you’re dealing with years of repression, shame, or disconnect from your sensual self. Arousal and desire are not light switches. They’re more like a pot of boiling water. It takes time, presence, and a sense of safety for your body to catch up to your mind.
Start With Curiosity, Not Pressure
If you’re new to self-touch, don’t start with orgasm as the goal. That’s too much pressure. Instead, think of this as research and reconnection. Get to know your body.
Creating the Right Environment
Dim the lights, light a candle, play music you love. Make it less about seduction and more about comfort. Your nervous system needs to feel safe to feel aroused.
Explore Beyond the Genitals
Touch your arms, thighs, chest, neck. Notice what feels good. What kind of touch do you enjoy on your skin? Do you like warmth, softness, pressure, stillness or humming? Use your hands or soft objects like a feather or scarf. Let this be play, not performance. Stay curious.
Slow Everything Down
You’re not trying to go from 0 to orgasm in 5 minutes. The slower you go, the more likely your arousal will build naturally, without expectation. Your brain needs time to learn what your body enjoys.
When you do move towards your vulva, remember this: you’re not doing it wrong if you don’t feel much at first. Don’t just touch your clitoris and expect miracles, move from your clitoris to your labia, to your vaginal opening and circle back around to clitoris again etc. Movement is actually key! You’re learning a new language. One your body has been waiting patiently for you to speak.
The Best (and Worst) Vibrators for Beginners
While suction or air-pulse vibrators are all the rage, I don’t recommend them for beginners. They work too quickly. If you’re just starting out, they skip over the delicious build-up that helps your brain learn how arousal works for you.
Instead try:
- Your hands, especially with some nourishing lubricant
- A soft, external or internal vibrator with gentle settings
- A wand massager on low, used externally, to explore different sensations
- If you find your body likes a little pain or zing with pleasure, try a pinwheel or nipple suckers/clamps as a starting point.
These tools let your brain and body reconnect slowly, safely, and naturally.
What to Do If You Want to Involve a Partner
Once you begin to understand what feels good for you, communication becomes easier. You don’t need to have all the answers.
You can say:
- “I’m learning new things about my body and want to explore together.”
- “Can we take things slower and focus on building desire and arousal?”
- “I’ve been trying new kinds of touch and would love to show you.”
Your partner doesn’t need to be perfect just open. And if you’re with someone who isn’t open to that? That’s information, too. Your pleasure is valid. Your curiosity is sacred. You deserve a space where that is nurtured, not dismissed.
There Is No Expiry Date on Desire
You’re not behind or broken. You’re awakening.
The truth is: many people reach midlife before they finally begin to understand pleasure in a real, embodied way. And that’s a beautiful thing. Your pleasure belongs to you, and you don’t need anyone’s permission to claim it.
Want More Support?
If this resonated with you, you’ll love my membership, Radiant You: Women’s Sensual Reset Collective. A gentle, supportive space to reawaken your sensual self at your own pace. You don’t need to go it alone.
Vanessa Tarfon
Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness
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