Why I Say No (At First) to People Wanting to Open Their Relationship
Vanessa Tarfon
1 Aug 2025 – 4 min read
It sounds like fun, right? Have your cake, eat it too, and maybe try a few cupcakes on the side? That’s the appeal of open relationships more freedom, more intimacy, more adventure. Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) has become a buzzword in the sex and relationship world, and I’m all for conscious exploration.
But here’s the thing: I often say “no” (at least initially) to people who want to open up their relationship. Not because I’m against ENM, but because too many people treat it like a solution for relationship problems that haven’t even been acknowledged, let alone resolved.
So if you’re considering it, here’s your essential guide to doing it in a way that’s physically, emotionally, and relationally healthy.
What Is ENM (Ethical Non-Monogamy)?
ENM or an “open relationship” is any relationship structure where all people involved consensually agree to explore romantic, emotional, or sexual connections with others.
There are many forms of ENM, including:
- Swinging
- Polyamory
- Open relationships
- Relationship anarchy
Not all ENM relationships look the same, and that’s the beauty of it, it’s flexible. But that also means you need to be really clear on what kind of open relationship works for you.
Are Open Relationships More Common Now?
Not exactly. It’s just becoming more visible. People are finally feeling safer to talk about their relationships without hiding in the shadows. And that’s wonderful. The shame that used to surround non-monogamy is giving way to curiosity, education, and community.
But here’s the real problem I see: people think opening their relationship will solve problems they haven’t even talked about yet. Spoiler alert: it won’t.
If something’s not working in your relationship, you need to fix that first. Otherwise, ENM will likely just fast-track the breakup.
What You Need Before Opening Your Relationship
If you’re wondering how to open your relationship in a healthy way, here’s what really matters:
Communication Is Non-Negotiable
Yes, it sounds like a cliché but in ENM, communication isn’t just important, it’s the whole damn game.
You need to have open, ongoing, real conversations about:
- Desires and fears (What do you each want to experience? What if one of you falls in love with someone else?)
- Time and scheduling (Do you want a shared calendar or total freedom?)
- Sexual and emotional boundaries (Who can you sleep with? Who can’t you?)
- Safer sex practices (Condoms, testing, all of it)
- Jealousy and insecurity (Yep, people get jealous how will you handle it?)
- What happens if one of you wants to stop?
And these chats don’t just happen once. They’re part of the lifestyle. If your communication isn’t solid now, opening your relationship won’t magically make you better talkers. In fact, it’ll likely bring unspoken resentments to the surface.
Sexual Health in Open Relationships Goes Beyond STI Testing
Yes, regular STI screening is essential in any open relationship. But sexual health in ENM also means:
- Being confident using protection
- Knowing your own limits and turn-ons
- Navigating consent with new partners
- Feeling empowered and safe, not confused or overwhelmed
ENM often brings a flood of new experiences and dynamics some hot, some confusing. Are you ready to speak up, say no, ask questions, and take responsibility for your pleasure and protection?
And be honest, are you looking to explore new desires, or are you just avoiding dissatisfaction in your current sex life?
Emotional Health: ENM Is Not a Quick Fix
ENM will not fix disconnection, revive a dead bedroom, or heal your self-esteem.
If you’re feeling lonely, bored, or resentful in your relationship, adding another person (or three) won’t solve it. It will just amplify what’s already there.
On the flip side, if you’ve done the inner work, if you know what you want, trust each other, and communicate clearly, ENM can be deeply fulfilling. But you’ve got to do the prep work first.
Every ENM Relationship Looks Different – Know What You Want
There’s no single way to “do” ENM. Some couples:
- Only have sexual experiences together
- Date separately with clear agreements
- Form deep romantic relationships with multiple partners
- Avoid labels altogether and practise relationship anarchy
The key question is: what do you want this to look like?
Ask yourself:
- Why do I want to explore ENM?
- What kind of relationships am I open to?
- Does this align with my values and lifestyle?
- How will I manage judgment from family or friends?
- Do I have the right emotional and community support?
Understanding your why will guide the how, and help you navigate the inevitable challenges that come with living outside traditional relationship norms.
Get Curious Before You Get Courageous
ENM isn’t about avoiding commitment, it’s about deepening it. To yourself. To your partners. To honesty. To integrity.
If you’re considering it, take time to reflect. Read. Talk to a therapist who understands ENM. Speak to people who’ve done it well and those who’ve struggled. Get real about what you want, what scares you, and what excites you.
Whether you stay monogamous, open up, or find something in-between, you deserve relationships built on clarity, care, and choice.
And yes, you can still have your cake. Just make sure you know where it came from, who baked it, and if it’s going to leave a mess in your kitchen.
After more information?
There’s plenty of websites and blogs online but here are just a couple starters to show you some options:
- https://polyamoryplusvictoria.au/
- https://polyoz.au/ – ideal for those living in regional Australia
- https://oursecretspot.com.au/ – Swingers Club Sydney
Vanessa Tarfon
Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness
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