The 12 Days of Pleasure: A Holiday Guide to Feeling Closer (Without More Effort)
Vanessa Tarfon
1 Dec 2025 – 4 min read
December is one of the most common times I hear people say:
“I want to feel connected and have sex…but I’m exhausted.”
If you’re over 40, navigating changes in your libido, feeling disconnected from your partner, or finding that sex feels harder to initiate when you’re stressed or overwhelmed, please know this is incredibly common.
Sexual desire doesn’t disappear. It often gets buried under responsibility, mental load, hormonal shifts, stress, and the never-ending to-do list.
And the holiday season (both festive and school) has a way of amplifying all of that.
Feeling less spontaneous, less interested, or like the spark has faded isn’t a personal failure. For many people over 40, intimacy shifts because your nervous system is running on empty. Not because you love each other any less.
Intimacy at this stage isn’t about wild, spontaneous sex or trying to “fix” anything.
It’s about small, meaningful, sensory moments that help your body and heart ease back into connection.
So instead of pressuring yourself with “we should be having sex” or “what’s wrong with us?”, here are 12 gentle, enjoyable micro-moments that rebuild closeness, emotional connection, and desire.
No performance, forcing a mood or shame! Just simple ways to reconnect whether you’re partnered or single.
The 12 Days of Pleasure
Day 1: The Long Hug
When you greet each other, hold the hug for 5 seconds longer than usual.
Let your shoulders drop. Exhale. This signals safety, the foundation for desire.
Single: Hug yourself or a pillow.
Day 2: A Shared Sensual Playlist
Create a playlist that feels warm, slow, playful, or slightly sultry. Play it while cooking, cleaning, driving whenever you like.
Music is one of the fastest ways to shift out of stress and into connection.
Day 3: A Real Good Morning Kiss
Not the rushed “quick peck” that barely registers. A real, slow 10 second kiss.
Single: Touch your body and tell yourself one thing you appreciate.
Day 4: Hands Only
Sit close either naked or in your underwear, and explore each other’s backs, arms, necks, shoulders, thighs with just your hands. Not sexual but sensual. Your skin is your largest organ.
Single: Touch your body while watching your reflection.
Day 5: Wear Something That Feels Delicious
Choose softness, silkiness, warmth, whatever your body says “mmm yummy” to because pleasure starts with sensation.
Day 6: A One-Line Love Note
Leave a simple one-liner somewhere surprising for your partner (or yourself) to find. It’s the unexpectedness that sparks connection.
Day 7: The Gentle Kitchen Touch
A slow hand on the back or waist as you pass. Presence creates desire more reliably than anything else.
Day 8: A Compliment That Goes Deeper
Try:
- “I love how your mind works.”
- “I feel so supported by you.”
- “I love your energy.”
Emotional connection is one of the biggest drivers of desire after 40.
Day 9: Slow Dance (Music Optional)
Sway. Breathe. Just two bodies remembering each other.
Single: Dance freely for yourself.
Day 10: Warm Water Ritual
Take a shower or bath, use a heat pack or hold a warm drink. Warmth signals your body to relax essential for libido.
Day 11: Share a Memory Where You Felt Close
Talk about a moment you felt connected, supported, or seen. This reactivates your emotional bond and desire grows from there.
Single: Write down a memory of pure happiness.
Day 12: Kiss Like You Mean It
No rushing. Just slow and present kissing.
Why These Tiny Moments Work (Especially When You’re Over 40)
If you’ve recently found yourself Googling things like:
- “low libido after 40”
- “we’ve lost our spark”
- “why don’t I want sex anymore?”
- “how to reconnect emotionally”
you’re not alone, and you’re definitely not broken!
Desire grows when the body feels:
- Safe
- Supported
- Not rushed
- Emotionally connected
Low libido in long-term relationships often has less to do with hormones and more to do with stress, mental load, and feeling emotionally or physically depleted.
Think of desire like boiling water if you stare at it, it takes forever. If you let it simmer gently with warmth and connection, it bubbles up naturally.
Pleasure in your 40s, 50s and beyond isn’t about trying harder. It’s about coming back to your senses, slowing down, and letting curiosity lead.
If You’re Feeling Disconnected, You’re Not Broken
Your libido didn’t vanish. Your body or relationship didn’t fail. You’re just tired, overstimulated, or emotionally overloaded and that is very human.
This is exactly the work I support women, men, and couples with every day. Helping them rebuild intimacy, feel close again, and find a version of sexuality that fits their life now, not the life they had 15 years ago.
Small moments create big shifts. And you absolutely deserve that pleasure.
Vanessa Tarfon
Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness
Related Posts
How best to introduce sex toys into your bedroom to boost sexual desire and arousal.
Discover the top 5 sex positions for mind-blowing pleasure. Enhance intimacy, safety, and excitement in your sex life with the ultimate guide for men and women.
A gentle, shame-free guide for women exploring their bodies and pleasure for the first time or in a long time, especially after 35.