Sex, Love, and Cancer: Rebuilding Intimacy and Desire During and After Treatment
Vanessa Tarfon
1 Mar 2025 – 4 min read
Can You Still Have a Fulfilling Sex Life After Cancer? Absolutely!
Cancer can alter many aspects of life, including how we view ourselves, our bodies, and our relationships. But it doesn’t have to take away the joy of intimacy.
Yet, so many people feel lost when it comes to rebuilding their sex lives after treatment.
They Google things like:
- “Why is my libido gone after chemotherapy?”
- “How can I feel sexy again after a mastectomy?”
- “Will sex ever feel good again after cancer?”
If these questions sound familiar, you’re not alone. The good news? This guide offers practical steps to rebuild your sex life during and after cancer treatment, addressing common concerns like low libido, painful sex, and body image changes.
How Cancer Affects Sexual Health (and What You Can Do About It)
Cancer and its treatments can create affect sexual desire, function, and confidence. Here are some of the most common challenges:
- Low Libido After Cancer – Fatigue, hormonal shifts, and the emotional toll of illness can leave you feeling “meh” about sex.
- Painful Sex After Cancer – Vaginal dryness, surgical changes, or anxiety around discomfort can make intimacy feel more stressful than pleasurable.
- Difficulty Reaching Orgasm After Cancer – Treatment side effects, nerve damage, or body image concerns can make it harder to relax and enjoy the moment.
While these changes are valid, they don’t have to define your sexual future. Let’s explore ways to reclaim control and enhance intimacy.
Step 1: Reconnect with Your Body
Your body may feel unfamiliar during and post-treatment, and that’s okay. Rebuilding intimacy starts with self-connection. Here’s how:
Mirror Work:
Stand in front of a mirror and gently touch different areas of your body. Instead of focusing on what’s changed, appreciate what’s still yours. Repeat affirmations like, “My body is strong, resilient, and still capable of pleasure”.
Self-Touch Exploration:
Use your hands (or a soft fabric) to explore what feels good now. You might be surprised by new areas of sensitivity.
Gentle Movement:
Try stretching, yoga, or dancing in your bedroom – any movement that makes you feel present in your body.
Step 2: Open Up the Conversation with Your Partner
Many couples struggle to talk about sex during and after cancer. Avoiding the topic can lead to distance, misunderstandings, and unmet needs. Try these conversation starters:
- “I want us to reconnect, but I feel nervous about how my body has changed. Can we explore this together?”
- “What does intimacy mean to you right now? Maybe we can focus on non-sexual closeness first?”
- “I’d love to try new ways of being intimate. Would you be open to experimenting with touch, massage, or different types of foreplay?”
These starters will help you dive into honest, pressure-free communication is the key to rebuilding intimacy together.
Step 3: Get Practical - Tools to Enhance Comfort & Pleasure
If pain, discomfort, or dryness is holding you back, there are solutions:
Lubricants:
A game-changer for vaginal dryness. Water-based (like YES WB) and silicone-based (like Uberlube) options help ease discomfort.
Ohnut:
If penetration is painful, these rings help control depth, making sex more comfortable.
Sensory Play:
Instead of focusing on penetration, explore erogenous zones like the neck, back, or thighs with gentle touch, feathers, or warm oils.
Waterproof Blankets:
If incontinence or post-surgery concerns make intimacy stressful, products like waterproof blankets (sold as “squirt blankets”) can ease your worries.
Step 4: Redefine Intimacy - It’s Not Just About Sex
Sometimes, the pressure to “get back to normal” can be overwhelming. But intimacy isn’t just about intercourse, it’s about connection.
Cuddling and Holding Hands:
Physical closeness boosts oxytocin (the “love hormone”), helping you feel more connected.
Massage and Sensate Focus:
Try non-sexual touch to rebuild comfort and trust with physical closeness.
Kissing and Flirty Moments:
A little bit of playfulness can go a long way in rekindling passion. Remember intimacy and sex is still FUN and laughter is the best medicine!
When sex doesn’t feel like a requirement, it becomes something you can enjoy again, at your own pace.
Step 5: Give Yourself (and Your Partner) Grace
Healing isn’t linear, and neither is your sexual journey. Some days, you may feel excited to explore and other days, you may just want a warm hug. Both are okay.
- Take the pressure off. Instead of aiming for a “perfect” sex life, focus on small moments of connection.
- Allow yourself to grieve. If intimacy feels different now, it’s okay to feel sad about the changes. But be curious about what’s still possible you’ll be amazed by the extent of what you find!
- Seek support. Whether it’s a sex therapist, a trusted friend, or an online community, you’re not alone in this journey.
You Are More Than Cancer – And So Is Your Sex Life
Cancer may have changed your body, but it doesn’t have to erase your sensuality, confidence, or ability to connect. With patience, communication, and a little exploration, you can rebuild intimacy and rediscover sexual pleasure on your terms.
And if you’re looking for more personalised support, I’m here to help. As a sex therapist, I work with women to reignite their confidence and pleasure after cancer treatment. Every woman deserves to feel desired, connected, and alive.
Reach out today for compassionate guidance on rediscovering intimacy after cancer.
Vanessa Tarfon
Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness
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