Why Sex Feels Like a Chore for So Many Women: And What It Does to Relationships
Vanessa Tarfon
1 Oct 2025 – 4 min read
We see it everywhere: in movies, TV shows, books, and casual conversations, that sex is something women suffer through rather than something they genuinely want or enjoy. The message is clear: women “give” sex to keep their partners happy, to stop them from straying, to maintain the relationship, or even to negotiate for something in return.
We’ve been taught that sex isn’t primarily about women’s pleasure, it’s about keeping men satisfied. The script goes something like this: put his needs first, make sure he gets his orgasm, and then maybe you’ll get what you want in other areas of life. For some women that means using sex as bargaining power. Whether that’s to keep the peace in the house, get help with the kids, or even land that $2000 bag he normally wouldn’t splurge on unless he’s in a particularly good mood after sex.
But where does this story come from and where does it lead us?
Where Does the “Sex Is a Chore” Message Come From?
This mindset hasn’t just appeared out of nowhere, it’s been drip-fed to us for generations through cultural, social, and media messages. Our grandmothers may have been told to do their “wifely duty.” Our mothers may have absorbed the idea that “good wives” provide sex regularly to keep a husband loyal. And today, women still hear the same themes, just wrapped in more modern packaging.
Take a film like My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2. It’s supposed to be funny and relatable, but what it really does is showcase the kind of conversations that happen in living rooms and kitchens everywhere. Women rolling their eyes, men groaning about not getting enough sex, and sex itself positioned as a duty rather than a delight “if your knees are open, shut your eyes“.
By laughing at it, we normalise it, and the message passes seamlessly onto the next generation.
So why do so many women feel that sex is a chore?
Because that’s the cultural script we’ve been handed: men want more, women give in, and women’s pleasure is secondary.
And here’s the kicker: this cultural script centres almost exclusively on penetrative sex. It side lines everything else that could be pleasurable and intimate. It positions intercourse as the “real” sex, the main event, while everything else is considered optional or lesser. This narrow view does a disservice to both women and men.
Why Sex as Duty Is Harming Women and Relationships
Women are bored. They’re going through the motions. They’re faking orgasms, not just occasionally, but as a routine. Research consistently shows that women fake orgasms at far higher rates than men realise, often to spare their partner’s feelings or to hurry things along. But here’s the problem: every faked orgasm teaches your partner that what they’re doing is working. So the cycle continues.
Meanwhile, many men genuinely want to please their partners. They take pride in it. They feel connected when they know their partner is enjoying herself. But when women hide their truth, an invisible wall goes up. On the surface, everything looks fine. Underneath, resentment, boredom, and loneliness begin to brew.
Rather than sex being a source of joy and connection, it becomes a wedge. The very act that’s supposed to bring partners closer is actually pushing them further apart. And because no one is saying anything, both partners feel disconnected without really knowing why. It’s a lose-lose situation.
What happens to relationships when sex feels like a duty instead of a desire?
Connection breaks down, honesty disappears, and both partners lose out on the intimacy they crave.
How to Break the Cycle of Chore Sex
The good news is: this story can change. You don’t have to keep playing a role that leaves you unfulfilled. And if you’re a parent, you don’t have to pass this script onto the next generation either.
Here are two powerful shifts you can start with:
Stop Passing on the Message That Women Don’t Enjoy Sex
This starts at home. If you have children, whether sons or daughters, be honest about intimacy, pleasure, and respect. Talk about relationships in a way that doesn’t shame desire or frame sex as a transaction. Normalise the idea that sex should be pleasurable for everyone, not just one partner.
If you grew up with silence or shame around sex, know that you can rewrite the story for yourself too. Challenge the cultural script. Seek out media, conversations, and education that celebrate women’s pleasure rather than side line it.
Flip the Switch in Your Own Relationship
If you want more connection, honesty is non-negotiable. Start by being truthful about your experiences. If sex feels like a chore, say it. If you’re faking orgasms, stop. If you crave more variety, exploration, or touch that isn’t intercourse, bring it up.
Yes, these conversations can feel vulnerable. But they’re also liberating. When you stop pretending, you create space for real intimacy. The kind where both partners feel seen, valued, and excited again.
And here’s something important: joy and exploration don’t have to be elaborate. They can be as simple as touching differently, slowing down, or experimenting with intimacy that isn’t goal-driven. The aim is to bring curiosity and pleasure back into the bedroom (and outside of it too).
How can couples move from chore sex to connection?
By embracing honesty, exploring beyond intercourse, and bringing curiosity and pleasure back into intimacy.
When women learn that sex is a chore, everyone loses. Women disconnect from their own bodies. Men miss out on genuine intimacy. And relationships that could be vibrant and joyful get weighed down by resentment, boredom, and silence.
It’s time to challenge these old messages and create a new narrative. One where sex is not a duty, but a shared experience of pleasure, connection, and joy. One where women’s desire is not only valid, but celebrated.
Your relationship, and your own sense of self, deserve more than “chore sex.”
So ask yourself: what story about sex do you want to keep living, and what story are you ready to rewrite?
Vanessa Tarfon
Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness
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