Why Stress Destroys Libido in Women Over 35 (and Their Partners)
Vanessa Tarfon
1 Jan 2026 – 5 min read
If you’re a woman over 35 and noticing a drop in libido, or if your partner’s sexual desire has changed, you’re not alone. Low libido in women in midlife is extremely common yet rarely spoken about honestly.
As a Sex Therapist working with women and couples across Australia, I see this daily. One of the biggest hidden contributors to low sexual desire isn’t hormones alone, ageing, or relationship failure.
It’s chronic stress.
Stress affects sexual desire, arousal, orgasm, and emotional connection for both women and men. The good news is that once you understand what’s happening in your body, desire can be gently and sustainably restored.
How Stress Affects Libido in Women Over 35
Women over 35 are often carrying a heavy mental and emotional load: careers, parenting, relationships, finances, perimenopause, menopause, and identity shifts. When stress becomes constant, the body produces higher levels of cortisol and adrenaline, which suppress the hormones needed for sexual arousal.
This can lead to:
- Low libido
- Reduced vaginal lubrication and physiological arousal changes
- Painful sex or discomfort during intimacy
- Difficulty reaching orgasm
- Feeling disconnected from your body or partner
This isn’t a personal failure, it’s a nervous system response.
During stress, your brain prioritises survival over pleasure. Sex simply drops down the priority list even in loving, healthy relationships.
How Stress Impacts Male Libido and Intimacy
Stress doesn’t only affect women. Many men in midlife experience changes in sexual desire and performance due to work pressure, financial stress, ageing, health changes, and unspoken emotional strain.
Stress can cause:
- Lower testosterone levels
- Reduced sexual interest
- Erectile difficulties
- Performance anxiety
- Emotional withdrawal from intimacy
This often leads couples to believe sex itself is the problem when really, stress is the underlying driver.
Why Sex Becomes Another Stressor in Midlife Relationships
When stress affects libido, sex can quickly become loaded with pressure:
- Pressure to initiate
- Pressure to perform
- Pressure to meet expectations
- Pressure to “fix” the relationship
For women, sex can start to feel like an obligation and for men, it can feel like a test.
This creates a cycle where intimacy increases stress rather than relieving it and desire continues to decline.
Pleasure Over Performance: The Key to Restoring Desire
One of the most effective ways to improve libido in midlife is shifting away from performance-focused sex and back to pleasure-based intimacy.
Sexual performance is socially conditioned.
When the focus is on Sensation, Safety, Connection and Enjoyment, the nervous system relaxes, cortisol lowers, and desire can return naturally.
Simple Ways to Reignite Libido (That Actually Fit Busy Lives)
You don’t need expensive supplements, complicated routines, or retreats. Small, consistent actions can make a powerful difference.
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Non-sexual touch
Hugging, holding hands, or cuddling for 30 seconds a day reduces stress hormones and rebuilds physical safety without sexual pressure.
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Nervous system regulation
Deep breathing, gentle stretching, or a warm shower helps calm the stress response. These practices are especially helpful when in in the middle of the chronic stressor (i.e. working, arguing with the kids).
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Reconnecting with pleasure
Self-pleasure and masturbation can support libido during stressful periods by allowing your body to experience pleasure without expectation or performance. This often enhances partnered desire (surprise!).
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Emotional connection rituals
Sending playful messages, sharing appreciation, or spending five minutes emotionally checking in strengthens intimacy and connection.
Even ten minutes a day can significantly improve sexual wellbeing and relationship satisfaction.
Is Low Libido Just Part of Ageing?
No. While hormonal changes in perimenopause, menopause and andropause can influence libido, stress, lifestyle factors, and emotional pressure are often the primary contributors.
Low libido in women and men over 35 is not inevitable, and it is highly responsive to the right support.
Low libido in women over 35, and in their partners, is rarely about lack of attraction or relationship failure. It is most often a sign of chronic stress and nervous system overload.
Pleasure is always more sustainable than performance, especially in midlife.
By understanding how stress affects sexual desire, you can take small, intentional steps toward deeper intimacy, renewed pleasure, and genuine connection.
If you’d like guided support, my Sensual Spark self-paced program is designed specifically for couples navigating midlife, stress, and changing desire to rebuild pleasure, connection and desire without shame, pressure, or unrealistic expectations.
Vanessa Tarfon
Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness
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