Mum’s often have “should” sex over “wanted” sex. “Should” sex comes from our socio-cultural influences telling us if we are in a relationship then we “should” have sex a certain amount of times a week. I saw this often in responses to the Mama’s Sex Survey where mum’s frequency of sex was often based on “normal” or “usual”.

 

The problem with this is “should” sex often doesn’t involve much sexual pleasure and mum’s time is vital! We don’t have time to waste on activities that are unenjoyable or serve no emotional or physical pleasure.

Sexual pleasure is crucial for mums

 

The World Association for Sexual Health accepted and defined sexual pleasure, only in 2019, as “the physical and/or psychological satisfaction and enjoyment derived from shared or solitary erotic experiences, including thoughts, fantasies, dreams, emotions, and feelings”.

But mums have a couple of obstacles when it comes to sexual desire and pleasure:

One – Mum’s are TIRED

Well, exhausted actually! Tiredness is the biggest barrier mums in my recent Mama’s Sex Survey found to sexual interest at 33%. 

 

Two – Mum’s are BUSY

12% of the Mama’s Sex Survey mum’s said being busy affected their sexual interest. The pandemic has increased women’s unpaid duties by more than double men’s (80% vs 39%). In December, “about 27% of women were doing more than 20 hours a week of unpaid childcare compared to 13% of men”.

 

An important fact about sexual pleasure: it can actually help solve tiredness and being overloaded. Sexual pleasure has far-reaching health benefits not just sexual enjoyment in the moment.

 

Physical health, mental health and overall wellbeing are all positively associated with sexual satisfaction, sexual self-esteem AND sexual pleasure

 

  • Pleasure boosts positive hormones circulating your body and can act as pain relief, stress relief and provide more energy
  • Pleasure and orgasm provide clarity and focus to see problems clearer, and feel lighter about organising or dealing with issues
  • Pleasure increases the emotional connection between people. When we love and care for someone we want to make life easier and more enjoyable, so burdens are more equally shared

 

How can you experience sexual pleasure if you have no sexual desire?

Sexual pleasure is a strong incentive to have sex. If you want to have sex more often then pleasure is your key to a strong desire and pleasure cycle. No one continues to do something that isn’t enjoyable…ever. Lack of pleasure also reduces your emotional connection as a couple because when you aren’t present, you aren’t focused on your partner, the touch of their body, or the waves of emotion.

 

Sexual desire needs a positive incentive to drive it

 

 

When you look at sexual desire in this way, and not something that comes from an internal spontaneous origin, it changes the way you think about sexual desire and your entitlements. 

  • Biologically and psychologically men and women have the same capacity for sexual pleasure.
  • The largest pleasure gap is between heterosexual women and heterosexual men. 65% of women usually or always orgasm during partnered sexual activity vs 95% of men.

 

The difference between sexual desire lies in the incentive of sexual pleasure. Women need more suitable context than men to overcome their desire sedatives. The incentive for men to have sex is stronger and more positive because sexual activity more often equals sexual pleasure.

 

How can you boost sexual pleasure and positively affect sexual desire? 

 

1. It’s partner-training time!

A technique and anatomy lesson is in order. The clitoris is the most sensitive part of a women’s genitalia so explore it, explore the labia, learn what feels good and what isn’t working

 

2. Variety is the spice of life!

Stop believing that penile-vaginal intercourse is the epitome of sexual activity. Only 15% of women orgasm through thrusting alone so change up your routine. You don’t have to have intercourse every time you have sex. There are lots of activities you can do that don’t involve penetration at all. Welcome warmly and proudly other sexual activities back into your bed.

 

3. Change the way you think about sex!

The primary goal is YOUR PLEASURE NOT reproduction. “Labeling the vagina a reproductive rather than a sexual organ would help women to no longer feel sexually dysfunctional when they have difficulty becoming sexually aroused, let alone experience orgasm”. 

 

Mum’s sexual pleasure is vital because it has an impact on mum and dad’s sexual satisfaction.

 

Be guided to more energy and confidence through the Mama’s Sensual Safari and discover the positive impacts of your sexual pleasure for you and your relationship.

Author: Vanessa Tarfon