How do I encourage spontaneity, passion and spice in our sex life?
Vanessa Tarfon
1 Oct 2022 – 3 min read
In the media, the best sex life is one that is spontaneous, passionate and spicy. Do you have it, or do you look at your partner and remember all that spontaneous pre-kid sex, compare it to your life now and wonder…is this my life now?
You are not alone.
Watch movies or tv shows and all the “good” sex is spontaneous, passionate and of course, both people orgasm.
We don’t see “everyday” sex often. When’s the last time you saw this scene on tv?
Partner 1: Hey…want to have sex tonight after the kids go to bed?
Partner 2: (thinks about everything they have to do and compares it to the last time they had sex)…yeh ok
Kids go to sleep
Partner 1: Meet you in the bedroom!
Partner 2: Ok (thinks ok do it now, it’ll only take 20 minutes and then I’ll get on with what I need to do)
Couple takes clothes off quickly. Spend a couple of minutes on foreplay. Intercourse until one or both people climax. Couple gets straight up and go about their regular tasks.
If I have just described something like your last encounter, keep reading!
What is Spontaneous Sex?
Spontaneous sex is where the couple doesn’t talk about having sex before it happens. Someone starts touching their partner or the couple starts kissing and it progresses to sex.
Yes, these scenarios happen in real life too. They may not be dramatic movie scenes. Do you want to jump your partner in the middle of a heated argument? But if you haven’t pre-arranged to have sex then you’ve had spontaneous sex!
Is Spontaneous Sex Better?
Maybe…maybe not.
It depends on whether you are sexually aroused and desire to have sex or just going with the flow. What’s happening around you at the time determines whether it’s going to be great or average.
Women in general, do not spontaneously experience sexual desire. Our sexual desire is much more responsive-based. We need something to happen for our body and mind to say, “yes let’s do more of this!”
Our sex life is boring and mundane, we need some spice to get things back on track.
How do we have spontaneous, passionate sex with kids?
Passion and spice you can have. Even some spontaneity might creep in but aim for passion first.
Find your peak time
We all want sex at different times, so it’s not unusual for you and your partner to have out of sync libidos. Find out when your libido is at its highest by following your cycle. Females are cyclical. Life is easier on all accounts when you work to your advantageous times. Find your sexual peak here.
Check your partner’s peak time
Now you know your peak libido times, let your partner in on your secret.
Check with your partner when their libido is highest. When are they busiest at work or with hobbies? These won’t be peak times because being busy and stressed reduces our libido in most cases.
Find the overlaps
You are winning if you can find overlaps. If you can’t find any overlaps agree to your best suitable times. Trust me it’ll still work.
Go ahead and literally write sex in your diaries! You can be as specific as you like whether it just be days or times too.
Scheduled sex is HOT! You know it’s coming so your brain gets excited. From days in advance, you’ll start automatically doing things to make yourself feel better as the anticipation grows.
The element of surprise
Add some spontaneity with surprises. Organise for one person to plan what will happen before, during and after sex on each occasion and keep it a secret from the other. It doesn’t need to be spontaneous for both to be exciting.
Once you have certain plans set, don’t stress about the spontaneity and spice. “If you build it, they will come!” Every time you have sex isn’t necessarily going to be spicy or spontaneous, that’s life. But what you can control is your enjoyment and connection by being present in the moment.
Vanessa Tarfon
Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness
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