What is the Normal Frequency of Sex in a Healthy Relationship?
Vanessa Tarfon
1 Oct 2024 – 3 min read
Let’s be real: we’ve all wondered about the normal sexual frequency in relationships. Whether you’re deep into a long-term relationship or just embarking on a new romantic journey, that nagging question of how often couples “should” be having sex seems to pop up. But why are we so fixated on sexual frequency and meeting some subjective norm?
Breaking Free from Sexual Norms
As humans, we’re wired to connect. We crave belonging, acceptance, and a sense of normalcy, even in the most intimate aspects of our lives. But when it comes to our sex lives, this desire to fit in can lead to unnecessary stress and self-doubt. We start to question: Are we normal? Is our relationship healthy?
This worry often comes from the fear that our partner might not be satisfied, pushing them to look elsewhere, or that we might feel unfulfilled and consider leaving. But here’s the truth: this anxiety is more about societal pressure than genuine personal fulfilment. Maintaining a healthy relationship is about more than just meeting random sexual norms.
Why Regular Sexual Activity and Sexual Satisfaction is a Game-Changer
So, why should we care about staying sexually active? It’s not just about ticking a box on a checklist. The truth is your current sexual frequency and sexual satisfaction have a powerful influence on your sex life as you age. Yes, even in your 60s, 70s, and beyond!
About 10% of people remain sexually satisfied well into their 90s – now, that’s something to aspire to!
Sex isn’t just about pleasure (although that’s a huge part of it). It’s also essential for maintaining sexual health. Regular sexual activity can help prevent erectile issues and keep vaginal health intact through menopause and beyond. And the benefits go beyond the physical. Your sexual satisfaction and pleasure have a direct, positive impact on your mental health too. So, what are you waiting for? It’s time to ignite that spark!
The Trap of Sexual Frequency Target Numbers
Here’s the catch: setting a specific weekly target can turn sex into a chore. We’ve all seen the headlines suggesting the “perfect” number of times couples should be having sex, but when you don’t hit that number, it can lead to disappointment and stress. Remember, sex is about connection, satisfaction, and enjoyment – quality over quantity every time!
Achieve Sexual Satisfaction: Your Blueprint for the Perfect Sexual Rhythm
Instead of chasing after a random number, let’s focus on what really matters – creating a sexual rhythm that resonates with both you and your partner.
Embrace Your Cycle: Women’s sexual desire is beautifully cyclical, influenced by your hormonal changes. So, when thinking about sexual frequency, consider it over a month rather than just a week.
Define What You Want: Start by asking yourself some key questions:
- How many times a month do I want oral sex?
- How often do I desire manual sex (e.g. hand jobs or genital massage)?
- What about penetrative intercourse – anal and/or vaginal?
- How often do I crave intimate, romantic moments with my partner, and what do those moments look like?
Once you’ve got your answers, invite your partner to do the same.
Share and Align: Sit down with your partner and share your responses. Remember, it’s normal for your answers to differ – this is known as desire discrepancy, and it’s part of every healthy relationship.
Agree on a Monthly Number: Together, decide on a number that reflects your shared desires. Remember, this number represents a combination of all sexual activities and is a guideline, not a rigid target. The questions in step 2 aren’t about setting targets for each category but getting you to understand what sex and intimacy in your relationship look like. It’s about being sexually active enough to boost satisfaction and connection without turning it into a stressor. Start with a lower number to keep expectations realistic. Some months, you’ll exceed it, other times you might fall short – and that’s perfectly okay. What matters is that the sex you do have is fulfilling and connecting.
Schedule if Needed: If your schedules are jam-packed, consider planning bedroom time. This can be especially helpful if you need organisation or if anticipation acts as an aphrodisiac. When the moment comes, discuss what you want to experience that day to ensure you’re both left smiling.
Act on Your Desires: When you feel your desire spark, don’t ignore it! Let your partner know and see if they’re in the mood to play. If not, no worries – masturbation is not only normal in relationships but encouraged. It’s your pleasure, and you have every right to it, so never feel ashamed to indulge yourself.
There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to normal sexual frequency in relationships. Remember, maintaining a healthy sexual frequency is crucial for sexual satisfaction and overall well-being as you age. Instead of stressing about what’s “normal,” focus on what feels right for you both. After all, the best sex is the kind that leaves you both feeling deeply connected, satisfied, and utterly happy.
Ready to take your sex life to the next level? Join the Sensual Spark: Relationship Reconnection Course for expert guidance in building a sex life that goes far beyond frequency.
Vanessa Tarfon
Sex Therapist, owner of Authentic Awareness
Related Posts
Are you tired of feeling like you’re missing out on the ultimate pleasure ride with your partner? Get ready to dive headfirst into a world of authentic ecstasy!
Sex in long-term relationships can get boring and libidos out of sync. Here’s how to get the spice and spontaneity back into your sex life after kids.
Discover the top 5 sex positions for mind-blowing pleasure. Enhance intimacy, safety, and excitement in your sex life with the ultimate guide for men and women.